Disclaimer: This post is part of this blog’s That Tiny Tirade series. It can (and likely will) contain not safe for work language, scenes and storylines not suitable for children, and some content that may be unacceptable to other readers. This post may also contain strobe lighting effects.
Hello there! You’re finally here. It’s great to see you around. But why are you here exactly((You know, other than the fact that you have a crippling addiction to my writing, as evidenced by the fact that you’re reading this at 4am on a Tuesday while sipping from a 40.))?
Oh, that’s right! I have a list post 7 reasons why you’ll read a blog post — this very one, as a matter of fact — with a click bait headline. I guarantee you’ll be shocked at #4.
#1. You’re a super attractive person
What? You don’t think you’re actually attractive? Fuck you, this is the internet. EVERYONE is hot on the internet. It doesn’t matter if you’re good-looking in real life, on the internet every man looks like a cross between all the good parts of Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, and Brad Pitt, while every woman is a mixture of Kate Upton, Beyonce, and whatever a Taylor Swift is((I’m presuming it’s an individual capable of fixing holes in my suit at lightning speed.)). Face it — everyone wants in your pants. Or kilt, if that’s what you’re into.
#2. This post has lots of pictures that have nothing to do with the article at hand, but are great for image search hits
Some of you likely clicked on this article thinking there would be substance for you to read. Perhaps you could find something to learn amid all the bullshit and terrible writing on the internet. You would be wrong. That’s not how the internet works. If your articles aren’t picture-filled, you’re fucked. Well, that’s presuming you don’t forget about the fact that…
#3. This blog post is a content marketing goldmine
You thought you needed to optimize your posts for SEO? You thought wrong! SEO is dead and content marketing is where it’s at. It’s not enough to add subliminal this post is sponsored by http://wrestlingoutofcontext.tumblr.com/ messaging to your posts, tweet bomb the shit out of your friends, family, and coworkers, or even to take out a second mortgage to promote yourself on Facebook. If your posts aren’t sponsored by someone, they’re not getting read. After all, it’s not like anyone actually clicks on ads anymore.
#4. You’d rather read an ad masquerading as an article than click on an ad.
Funny thing about bloggers (or websites) in 2014…no one actually clicks on your ads anymore. Why would we?((There are apparently people online who disagree with me and will click on any ad that interests them in order to help fund the ad companies. I call these people masochists.)) Not only are advertisements notorious for providing computer viruses/malware/spyware a pathway into your computer, they’re also incredibly annoying to look at. If your readers are clicking on your ads, there’s a decent chance they’ve been in a coma since 1996 and have just woken up. Say hi to them, then come back here and introduce them to how advertising works in the real internet.
#5. This post is short — just the way you like it.
No one has time for a lengthy blog post anymore. Gone are the days where bloggers could write 3000+ word long-form articles and be lauded by those around them before that blogger goes onto become a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle or the Cleveland Plain Dealer.((For the younger crowd, those were newspapers, an archaic way of delivering news to people. News was what journalism was called before large media networks decided to fuck it up the ass with a dildo of bias and sensationalism. Journalism is…ah fuck it…))
#6. People are suckers for lists
Everyone likes lists and everyone LOVES debating lists. Look at the success of sites like Cracked, Buzzfeed, and Bleacher Report. None of those sites would exist without the list post. Here, I’ll even give you a list to debate. Here are the Top Ten Things I Wrote Down In A List Format.
- Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog
- Testicular tortion
- A ban saw
- Tupelo, Mississippi
- Cesaro’s pepperoni nipples((This is a thing.))
- Scalene muscles
- Improper grammar
- Six women from Perth, Australia playing Twister against Duck Dodgers
#7. You can’t help but share this list
It’s an uncontrollable urge. With the rise of social media you want — nay, NEED — to click like on everything. You MUST comment. You WILL SHARE THIS POST.