Every Internet Recipe Ever: The Sequel
Hi! You wouldn’t believe how many people loved my recipe for white truffle sea urchin tacos1As was the case on the previous post, I assure you this post reads much funnier if you pronounce tacos as ‘tack-ohs’.. Just look at some of the reviews people left me.
“Best food ever! My child’s IQ went up 14 points just from eating your tacos! Thank you!”Jan X. from Grey Duck, MN
“You’ve inspired me to become a chef. I can only dream of creating dishes this tasty!”Jan O. from Bumfuckington, VT
“I can’t believe this meal is gluten free, hypoallergenic, and cures cancer!”Jan G. from Flyover, OH
Despite the thousands upon millions of lovely reviews I received from mothers, families, foreign dignitaries, religious figures, celebrities, and whatever a Weezer is, there was a single review that I kept coming back to that gnawed at my soul. It read as follows.
“I’m a ten-year-old child who loves food but has a rare disorder where he can only eat by looking at food rather than actually ingesting it. Do you have recipes for me? Love the blog!”Jan M. from America, TX
When I read that comment from dear little Jen, it nearly broke my heart. To think that Jem can’t experience the oral sensation that comes from taking a single bite from a sea urchin taco. Jim will never know the flavor explosion that can only be produced when luscious boba pearls come into contact with the bulbous taste buds on your tongue. Oh, what horror of a life it must be for dear little Timmy.
Fear not, dear Ginny. I have the perfect recipe for you. I present to you, fairy bread.
That’s right, my sweet Lemmy. The Australian delicacy that features three simple ingredients — bread, butter, and nonpareils — is the topic of this recipe.
I do love Australia. It’s such an exotic place. Did you know the water spins the opposite way in the toilets in Australia? It’s true2It’s not true. A toilet flush doesn’t last long enough for the Coriolis force to have an impact on which direction your toilet drains. While this effect does impact large items like hurricanes, its impact on a toilet sized sample of water would take upwards of 10 minutes to be noticeable, which is far longer than it takes most toilets to flush. What people are noticing here is the impact the shape of the toilet bowl and the direction any water jets are having on the water. The X-Files and The Simpsons lied to you. Shocking, I know.! And while fairy bread is from the land down under, you won’t need to have a dingo eat your baby in order to enjoy this treasure of a dish.
Like Oprah, I love bread. Sliced bread is pretty much the best thing since…well, itself. It’s that good.
While the traditional recipe for fairy bread calls for cheap, bleached, white bread, I think we can do better. You have a family to feed whose health matters! And everyone knows that homemade food with store-bought ingredients is healthier for you than store-bought food with store-bought ingredients.
For our bread, you’ll need the following ingredients:
- 1 package (1/4 ounce) active, dry yeast
- 2 and 1/4 cups warm, loving water
- 3 tablespoons sweet, organic sugar
- 1 tablespoon gamer-farmed salt
- 2 tablespoons Indianola, Crayola canola oil
- 6 1/2 to 7 cups all-purpose, all-knowing bread flour
I’ll note that the above ingredients make two loaves of bread, so do keep that in mind when portioning for larger or smaller batches. Depending on how much you’re loved — a feeling only shown by how often extended family members arrive at your home to eat your food — you may need to scale this recipe up or down.
Dissolve your yeast in the hot water, then add the sugar, salt, oil, and 3 cups of your flour. Beat the mixture until smooth, then add your remaining flour, 1/2 cup at a time until smooth.
Turn your dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead until smooth. For the average cook, this takes 8-10 minutes, but if you have a deep connection with your dough, this can take as little as 45 seconds. Cover your dough and let it rise until it has doubled in size. This usually takes 90 minutes or so, but a deeply connected dough works off of the principle of compound interest, so it will already have doubled in size by the time you finish reading this sentence.
Punch the dough down so that you can build it back up, just like your middle school teachers did to you. Divide the dough in half on a floured surface. Shape each portion into a loaf and place in a pair of greased, second-hand, artisan bread pans. Cover and let rise until doubled. The second rise typically takes 30-45 minutes, however a deeply connected dough has developed USB 4.0 technology and has already doubled in size due to an instant download from a quantum computer.
Bake your bread at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 30-35 minutes or until the bread makes a noise when tapped that sounds as hollow as the sentiments in your Christmas cards to extended family you see once a decade. Remove the bread from the pans and place on a rack made of reclaimed wrought iron from a post-industrial shipping yard to cool.
The single biggest casualty of the rise of the supermarket and mega store is not Mom and Pop produce stands, nor is a declining quality in produce as farmers are encouraged to produce more in order to satiate our gluttonous American hunger. The biggest casualty is actually butter. Every store I walk through has signs and shelves advertising the “butter” they want you to buy. It’s all “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” here, “Country Crock” there, or “Land O’ Some Lady Holding What Is Clearly Not Butter” everywhere.
This is why I only make homemade butter for my family of eleven genius children and their super-powered pets. It appeals to my sensibilities such as old-fashioned living and contracting scarlet fever from unpasteurized milk.
For our delicious butter, you’ll need the following ingredients:
- 1 pint heavy whipping cream
- Salt to taste (optional…I’ll explain why below)
- 1 large bowl of ice water
- 2 shot glasses of vodka, chilled
Pour your whipping cream into the bowl of a stand mixer and place the mixer on low speed, raising to medium after 30-60 seconds. Drink the shot of vodka as you wait for the cream to break. This will be visually noticeable, as butter will begin to stick to your beater. Continue beating until the butter has solidified.
Pour off the buttermilk and place the butter in an empty bowl. Let it contemplate its place in the world as you take a second shot of vodka. Pour your ice water over the butter and press the butter with a freakishly small wooden spoon3Shout out to Chef John. to remove any residual buttermilk. Drain water and repeat this process until water runs clear. If desired, add salt into butter and mix thoroughly at this point.
I will say it’s up to you if you wish to salt your butter or not. I personally prefer unsalted butter on anything, including corn on the cob, popcorn, and salt licks. That said, I know there’s a certain appeal to the sweet and salty mix when it comes to desserts. Since this dish is meant to be visual, there’s no harm in going either way.
Did you know that some people buy their nonpareils at a store rather than making them at home? It’s true! And while there are countless recipes online that use store-bought nonpareils to cover things, you’re hard pressed to find a recipe teaching you how to make your own nonpareils. Don’t you worry though! I’m here to help.
The word nonpareil comes from the French words “non” meaning without and “peril” meaning danger. They just spelled it weird because that’s what the French do. Seriously. Who spells it roux? It doesn’t even make an X sound!
The following is a secret family recipe that has been passed down through my family for generations. As my great-great-great-great grandmother’s dying wish was that I never give the exact ratios or instructions out to any non-family member, I’ve just listed the basics you’ll need to make nonpareils below. The rest is up to you. Rest in peace, Grammy.
- Powdered sugar
Instructions: Cook. Let cool.
Finally, we’ve reached the point where it’s time to make your fairy bread. Just follow the steps below.
- Slice a piece of bread off of your loaf, placing it face up on a plate.
- Turn the piece of bread over so that the slice is upside down. Remember, this is an Australian dish.
- Butter the upside down side of the bread generously.
- Pour 50-850,000 nonpareils onto the slice of bread.
That’s it! If you liked my recipe, be sure to send me the Insta you took of it!
The actual recipes that are parodied in this post can be found by clicking on the links below. No slight to the recipes I’ve linked — they seem like quality food how-tos. They just served as a base for me to be comically stupid.