I’ve spent a few posts talking about what my Pokemon gym would look like if I used different types of Pokemon as my specialty. It’s a theme I enjoy so much that I’ll be giving you yet another installment in the series tomorrow. That said, as I was writing tomorrow’s post, I came to a startling realization. I’ve written three1Well, two at that point. Three now. posts about what Pokemon I’d use in each of my single-type Pokemon gyms, yet I haven’t mentioned once what kind of equipment I’d have in my gym. It is a gym after all. And what’s a gym without the ability to get swole?
As is the case with the rest of the Pokemon gym series posts, I’ll have a six deep team, full with items, abilities, and moves. Images are from Pexels unless otherwise noted.
No gym — or building for that matter — team is worth trotting out without a gatekeeper to lead off your team. And for that, I have a door. Doors keep the heat or cold in depending on the time of year. You can lock them to keep intruders out. You can prop them to ensure steady flow of customers. Doors are a fantastic way to introduce your team.
Ability: Literally being a door (prevents opponent from using priority moves if Close or Slam was used last by door)
Item: Squeaky Hinge (sound based moves have a 10% chance of flinching the opponent)
Moves: Open, Close, Clopen2A mix between closed and open., Slam
Like running but hate nature? Have you ever wanted to feel like a hamster but get vertigo at the idea of using a wheel or ball to run? Try treadmills. They’re all the fun of running without the unnecessary distraction of scenery.
Ability: Maintenance Mode (treadmill will randomly stop working for 1-15 turns when you need it the most)
Item: Pulse Monitor (item stops functioning as soon as you equip it)
Moves: Extreme Speed, Extreme Slow, Extreme Incline, Team Xtreme
Once you get tired from all that running, you might want to cool down with a refreshing beverage. And while some fancy gym leaders might use a vending machine, I’m all about the water fountain life. Water fountains are a bit of a mystery (which is part of their appeal). What color is the water that comes out going to be? It’s a surprise! The pressure of the water will also catch you off guard, as the water will either barely trickle out of the fountain or it’ll hit someone in the next zip code. It’s like a spontaneous blind date, only with the added risk of cholera.
Ability: Variable Height (water fountain will always be at a height that will require you to bend over awkwardly to use it)
Item: Queue (item always forces the user to wait on everyone else before attacking)
Moves: Bubble, Cloudy Water, Weak Stream, Loose Handle
Overenthusiastic Gym Patron
AHHHHHHHHH! HOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OH YEAH! DO YOU SEE THAT? DO YOU SEE IT BRO? LOOK AT THAT VEIN! IT’S SICK, BRO. THAT’S MY THIRD VEIN POPPED THIS WEEK! YOU WANT A PROTEIN SHAKE? I’VE GOT CHOCOLATE COOKIE AND CARAMEL DREAM. NO? SUIT YOURSELF, BRO. AHHHHHHHHHH! HOOOOOO! GO BUCKS!
Ability: Big Voice (sound moves are six times louder than they need to be and may cause flinching)
Item: College T-Shirt (allows user to be nostalgic about an institution they’ve never attended)
Moves: Growl, Grunt, Sick Gains, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This notoriously low impact machine has gained a reputation for only being used in classes led by overly enthusiastic college grads and people going through mid-life crises, but it’s more fun than you’d expect. Much like the treadmill is meant to replace running, the elliptical is meant to replace cartoon running. Could you imagine how good Daffy Duck would be as a personal trainer running a spin class?
Ability: Personal Trainer (Elliptical will become 1 stage faster per each opposing Elliptical in horde battles)
Item: Neverending Spiral (holding this item will cause you to feel like you’re going somewhere, even though you’re not moving)
Moves: Fire Spin, Leg Spin, Spinny Spin, Ohgodwhenwillthisend?
Barbells and Dumbbells
Ability: Set Weight (barbells and dumbbells are immune to moves that impact their weight)
Item: Try Hard (equipping this item will cause the user to always look like they’re trying hard)
Moves: Clank, Clang, Clanggityclang, Rollout
Happy April Fools Day, all. Real content will be posted tomorrow.