Every Internet Recipe and the Goblet of Fuzzy Navel
Welcome back to my blog and yet another recipe post! It’s so good to have you all here! Praise be1Praise be.!
In the weeks since my culinary revival on this blog, adulation has come to me from every corner of the internet. Well, nearly every corner. And you know I’m one to leave no stone unturned. It’s about who likes me. It’s about everyone liking me. And anyone who doesn’t is wrong. But in my time on this great planet of ours, I’ve learned that the easiest way to figure out how right I am about something is to listen to someone tell me how wrong I am about something closely related to it.
For our carefully measured dose of people incorrectly telling me I’m wrong, I’ll share with you this comment from a recent reader.
Hi there! Love the blog! Your posts are great, but I feel like they’re missing something. See, I want to be the cool mom on my block and let my kids and their friends have alcohol, but I don’t know how to start introducing it to them. You’re the only one who can help me! What do you have in mind?
Jan T. from Caratburg, NY
First of all, Jan, allow me to be perfectly clear. There is no quid pro quo in my recipe blogging. If you choose to partake in my recipes instead of some other food blogger, that is your choice. There is no need to send money to my secret bank account in the Cayman Islands which in turn funnels money into a bank account in Switzerland which itself funnels money to a series of envelopes mailed to the address of Yaid G. Uruinil & Associates in exchange for these recipes. But if there were such an arrangement, it would be the best blogging for money arrangement ever. But there’s not.
Second, your concern seems to be that you want to get underage individuals to consume alcohol at your place of residence. Need I remind you that this is illegal and that no person should willfully do illegal things. Especially not in THE United States of America. Where there are things that are illegal. Having those who are beneath the legal age of consuming alcohol drink in your home is a bad thing. A very bad thing.
So here’s how you do it2Disclaimer: That Tiny Website does not advocate parents, children, elected officials, or anyone else doing something that is clearly illegal. You could (and likely will) get in trouble for your actions and would be held responsible. You know. If things made sense..
While I don’t typically like to link out to other blogs whose recipes aren’t my own, I am choosing to make an exception in this specific case in order to help provide some needed context to Jan, who has clearly never heard of flasks. There is a technique wherein someone with a lot of free time, ambition, and power tools can convert the inside of a watermelon to be a vessel to hold alcoholic beverages. The site Taste Made did a good explainer on how to do this if you want to carry around an entire watermelon in order to enjoy your poolside margaritas.
But this isn’t about you, Jan. This is about the children. Children don’t have as big of hands as adults. You can’t just hand them a watermelon full of Michelob Ultra and tell them to have at it. They’ll be crushed beneath the massive combined weight of the watermelon keg and the expectations of their friends peer pressuring them into having a good time.
That said, though a watermelon is an impractical choice for teens to tote their hooch in, I like the idea of putting mixed drinks in fruit shells as a way to hold them. It’s about combining something they’re unsure about — fruit — with something they’re going to binge on when they’re depressed for the rest of their lives — also fruit — and adding alcohol. But what fruit to use? As mentioned, watermelons are too big. Pineapples are too cliche. Cantalope and honeydew are too sexual. Coconuts aren’t real. That’s just a horse hoof with cotton balls stapled inside. That said, there is a fruit that I think is the perfect solution to helping introduce your child and their friends to alcohol.
We’re going to put our drinks in a peach.
I know what some of you might be thinking. Alcohol? In peach? What kind of heresy is this? What might not realize is that some of the most iconic alcoholic drinks of all time have peaches or peach-based liquors in them in some capacity. Sex on the beach? Peach schnapps. Catalina margaritas? There’s peach alcohol under the blue curaçao. Queens Mixer? It’s just Colt .45, the grease from a Big Mac, Diet Coke, and peach schnapps.
But those are all complex drinks with layers that the unrefined palaete wouldn’t understand. While your children and their chronies might want they best, they’re not the best. Not yet. We’re going to start them off with a more traditional drink you can serve in a peach — the fuzzy navel.
Like my previous recipes, I’m going to break this down into a couple of different sections. We’re going to look at how to make the drink itself, followed by how to make our peach container.
Over my many (but not too many!) years of being alive, I’ve encountered a good number of bartenders who have told me one single refrain. They say that the best drinks are not those that are well-measured with precise ratios and careful pairing of mixing ingredients and alcohol. The best drinks are those that are made by amatuers who have no idea what they’re doing but have a ton of self-confidence, who rely on their own beliefs to guide them rather than the advise of those more knowledgeable than them, and who have a bad bartender as a role model. Don’t believe me? Have you watched Cocktail? That guy was so bad at making drinks that he became a balding movie producer.
So how do we build our fuzzy navel with this in mind? We start like any other recipe — by gathering our ingredients.
- Peach schnapps
- Ice cubes
- A pure Russian vodka. Ukrainian will do in a pinch.
- Whole tangerines, juiced
You might have noticed that I haven’t given you exact measurements of any of the ingredients. Measurements are for losers. It’s up to you how much you decide to let each ingredient in this drink influence you. Some people really like a hearty vodka drink that hits them so hard their morals are compromised. Others prefer a stronger tangerine tint in their drink. Still others just want to sit alone in a room with a bunch of ice cubes — preferably as far away from the temptations of a member of the opposite sex as they can — whilst thinking fondly of their own maternal influences. Whatever your ratio is, pick it, stick with it, and do not, under any circumstances stray from that course. No matter what evidence that you made the wrong decision is brought against you, you stick with that drink mix. Remember, Jan, YOU’RE the one that’s right, not the precious snowflakes who you’re forcing to come along for the ride.
Put your ingredients together in a shaker. Shake, then strain into our peach goblet we’ll be creating in the next step.
Growing up in the humble nation of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, GREATEST NATION TO EVER EXIST ON THIS EARTH SO HELP ME GOD, I spent a significant amount of my childhood watching my grandfather peeling apples. It was inspiring to watch my grandfather, God rest his soul, start from the top of the apple, carefully removing the skin with his pocketknife in a single, unbroken strand, until the peel of the apple dangled from the fruit’s flesh like we hang on so tenuously to the steerings of life. It relaxed me to know that something so simple could become such a delicate, sensitive endeavor.
Making what is essentially a flask out of a peach has nothing to do with that.
To make your peach glass, you need the following.
- A paring knife
- A very small immersion blender
To begin, use your paring knife to cut off a very small amount of the top of the peach. You’ll want to cut enough to remove where the stem of the peach was, but not enough to impact the structural integrity of the outer wall of the peach. That wall is very important. The most important.
From there, take your immersion blender and place it in the hole you’ve just cut with your paring knife. Start the blender and blend up everything in the peach. This includes the pit. I know that you might think that the pit of the peach is bad and that it’ll corrupt everything else in your drink. Clearly not. The expression is one bad apple will spoil the bunch, not one shrivled stone will taint the vodka. Besides, you’ll need this peach puree for your drink.
Once everything is mixed together, use the now-pulverized peach juice from inside your peach as a base for your drink. Leave about 1/4 of your peach full of this liquid, while reserving the rest in a gold-plated, microwave-safe container. It must be gold-plated, as peaches will react with any other precious metal. Pour the drink mix from the previous section into the peach and enjoy.
As for those kids…do they really need a drink? You’ve earned it. So go sit back and relax. Enjoy your drink. Watch the world burn. It’s up to the kids to save you now anyway, Jan.
As always, the actual recipes that are parodied in this post can be found by clicking on the links below. No slight to the recipes I’ve linked — they seem like quality food how-tos. They just served as a base for me to be comically stupid.