Every Internet Recipe Ever

Hi! Welcome to my blog! I’m so excited to tell you how to make one of my favorite weeknight recipes, White Truffle Sea Urchin Tacos1I assure you, if you read the word “taco” with the pronunciation of “tack-oh” through the post, it’ll make this ten times better.! These tacos are even better than the takeout tacos you can get and you can make them with ingredients from your pantry! Not only that, but you can make this entire meal in under 30 minutes for under $20 by utilizing those common kitchen staples!

Photo by Amie Watson on Unsplash

Now the tacos in the picture aren’t my tacos, but they’re there to get you in the mood for taco goodness. I get the appeal to tacos, especially takeout tacos. They’re delicious2Fuck yeah tacos!! But when I’m cooking for my very picky family of children and parents, we don’t have time to go out. And why go out when you can make your own tacos at home — and have them taste better? Plus, if you make your food at home, you’re guaranteed to make food that is healthier for you and taste better than takeout food! Isn’t that great?

Now, this recipe may look complex at first, but that’s just because I’m explaining every step in detail. I promise, once you read through the recipe, it’ll be a breeze to make. There are three key steps: the salsa, the filling, and the tacos.

The Salsa

Salsa comes from the Spanish word “salsa” which is Spanish for salsa. And of course, salsa comes from the Latin “salsus”, which means salted. So our salsa for these cheap and easy White Truffle Sea Urchin Tacos will be salt-based.

For our salsa, we’ll need the following ingredients.

  • 36 sea urchin tongues
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons of pink Himalayan sugar
  • 3 canned chipotle chiles, minced
  • 1-2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
  • 1 shallot
  • 1 pound of Celtic Sea Salt

I don’t know about you, but I always have these ingredients on hand, so no trip to the grocery store for me! That said, this recipe is flexible if your pantry is bare. Just be sure to follow the YSAC’s RGOGSH salsa method if you can’t follow the recipe exactly.

To make your salsa, chop your shallot finely. Then, place the shallot in a bowl with your sea urchin tongues, pink Himalayan sugar, chipotle chiles, lime juice, and salt. Use two forks to mash all the ingredients together into a gelatinous paste.

The Filling

Everyone knows the best part of a taco is the filling. But what can you do when takeout tacos are filled with mystery meat and unhealthiness? I make my own3And so can you!. Not only do I know that there’s no industrial pink slime in my taco filling, I get to have as much of the holy grail of super foods as I want in my taco.

That’s right. The most wonderful food in the world is actually a large berry, not a fruit or a vegetable. In some locations, the avocado is referred to as the alligator pear, as its skin resembles that of the American alligator and its shape mirrors that of the tears of millennials who can’t afford housing because of the overwhelming student loan debt crisis in this country — a problem that has reached historic proportions — and definitely not because we like to spread some avocado on our breakfast toast4No, but seriously. If you’re not a millennial and you’re blaming your failing industry on millennials not spending money when we’re burdened under fucktons of debt that you never had to deal with, you should really learn how data works..

Wait. What was I talking about?

Right. If you need this recipe to be gluten-free, use gluten-free avocados. Otherwise, use the following ingredients.

  • 1 Hass avocado
  • 1 lamb Hass avocado
  • 1 Pinkerton avocado
  • 1 bacon avocado
  • 1 fuerte avocado
  • 1 Gwen a-v-o-c-a-d-o
  • 1 Reed avocado
  • 1 Zutano avocado
  • Gray salt, to taste

You might think that we need more ingredients in the filling, but I assure you that eight types of avocado is plenty. And even though gray salt is something that’s in everyone’s pantry, you don’t need much! Remember: your salsa is salt-based. It’s about balancing the delicate flavors of this dish. If you must add a little color to this filling — and believe me, you don’t need to — just buy an extra avocado and leave it out to brown a little bit before adding it to the filling.

I would go through how to cut, pit, and combine these avocados, but if you’re reading a recipe on the internet, you had to peel an avocado with dental floss to sign into this blog. I know you know how! I would never talk down to my readers about something they already know.

Just one step left. It’s time for the tacos.

The Tacos

Before we start, I know what you’re thinking! I really do! I was once like you. I heard the word taco and immediately assumed I could just pile whatever food on top of a soft or hard tortilla shell. How naive was I back then?

Here’s the thing. A taco, whether it’s encased in a soft, warm, flour tortilla, or a crunchy, crispy, corn shell is not just about the vessel that transports food to your mouth. It’s about the entire experience that goes along with the salsa and the filling! It’s about the fresh, farm-to-table farmer’s market vegetables that you put on top of your delicious avocados! It’s about the happiness that your family will derive from the fact that you’re helping them live longer, healthier lives from your cooking!

Also, if you don’t hand make your own blue corn tortillas, you’re disgracing your family’s stomachs.

I get it though. Not everyone has time to make a wholesome, delicious dinner for their family! We all have busy lives. I can make these mortar-and-pestle ground corn tortillas in 20 minutes. If that’s too much time, preservative-filled flour tortillas will have to do. I’ll even write the recipe for it.

  • 48 sea urchin tongues, cautiously cubed
  • 1/2 medium Spanish red onion, meticulously minced
  • 83 cilantro leaves, delicately diced
  • 2 limes, judiciously juiced
  • gold leaf, awaiting application
  • 12-18 tortillas, wonderfully warmed and welcoming5Sorry, the Marvel universe started writing these instructions for a while.
  • 3 white truffles, untouched until you’re ready to serve, you uncouth heathen

If you do have the time to make the wonderful blue corn tortillas, you can get the recipe for free if you donate to my Paetron.

The Assembly

Finally, we’ve reached the moment of truth! It’s time to make your taco. It’s as simple as these steps.

  1. Lay a warm tortilla out on a pre-heated serving plate.
  2. Place a loving spoonful of your guacamole filling on each tortilla.
  3. Add a layer of the cubed sea urchin tongues.
  4. Place another loving spoonful of your guacamole filling on each tortilla.
  5. Season with red onion, cilantro, lime juice, and gold leaf to taste.
  6. Add 1-2 spoonfuls of your salsa.
  7. Shave 2-3 paper-thin slices of white truffle onto each taco.

That’s it! If you loved this recipe, be sure to Instagram how it looked once you made it!

Note: The style of this post is based off of home cook recipe I’ve ever come across. The recipe in this parody post is loosely based off of this recipe from Food Republic. Except not exactly. Partly because parody. But also partly because everyone except me is apparently obsessed with avocado. Avocado? How about Avocad-no.

What Your Favorite Type of Pie Says About You

I love pie. Pie is everything cake wants to be without all of the disappointment of being terrible 30 minutes after you cut it. When people ask me what kind of cake I want for my birthday, I say ice cream cake. But when they tell me ice cream cake is too expensive, I say I want pie. And because my birthday is close to Thanksgiving, nearly every year someone obliges.

Everyone has their own favorite kind of pie. I’m a fan of pecan myself. But did you know that your favorite pie can tell other people a lot about you1It can’t.?

It can’t2Nope.?

You’re saying I’m just using Buzzfeed-like listicle science to get you to keep reading3Yes. Stop it, Tim. You’re better than this.?

Have you had pie4Well, yes. But that’s not the point.?

Well then come along on a journey wherein I help you learn what your favorite kind of pie says about you5Goddammit..

Cherry Pie

You’re a simple person who enjoys simple pleasures. You love how a warm, flaky, buttery crust tastes when it’s pressed up against tart cherries encased in a sweet, sticky sauce. You also giggle when someone mentions pie because you listened to too much Warrant and wanted to sample the People’s Strudel. You’re straightforward, yet complex. Just like this classic pie.

Pecan Pie

You love Thanksgiving and you’re not ashamed to admit it. In fact, you’re so unashamed of your love for Thanksgiving that you’re more than willing to tell your dentist that the reason your temporary crown broke for the third time in six weeks is because you managed to get your hands on a pecan pie not only for your birthday, but also for Thanksgiving. Black Friday visits to the dentist are so fun. Wait. What was I talking about again?

Rhubarb Pie

You’ve been lost in the wilderness for 16 years and are trying to readjust to society. As someone who has been in society for the last 16 years, I can promise you’re better off not knowing what’s going on out here.

Lemon Meringue Pie

On the outside, you’ve got a bubbly, airy personality. People want to be you because you look like you have the most glamorous life. On the inside, you’re a mess of all the ingredients that went into making your what you are today — and you’re not sure if the sum of all the parts is better than the ingredients by themselves. On the plus side, you’re awesome at making small children cry.

Apple Pie

You’re an American and you love your country. You want nothing more than baseball, Coca-Cola, and a hot dog after a long day at the business factory. Like America, your pie could be improved by being Dutch. And even if you know there could be better alternatives out there to your hobbies or favorite pie, you stick with what you know. Because you dislike change. And the Dutch.

Pumpkin Pie

Your favorite pie is Cool Whip.

Banana Cream Pie

You’re health conscious, but you love to indulge from time to time. You want to find the best of both worlds between taste and restraint. You want to integrate more fruit into your diet, but you hate the texture of berries and the smell of citrus fruit. You own stock in Nilla Wafers and loved Bananas in Pajamas. Above all, you’re confused why some pies have top crusts.

Key Lime Pie

You like your coffee black, your chili spicy, and your beer ice cold. If food could punch you in the face, you’d welcome it with open arms, then suplex it the fuck over your head for trying. One day, you plan to retire to a small fishing village in Spain where you can harpoon your own octopus for breakfast. You’re also very confused why anyone would waste a lime on tequila when there’s pie to make.

Pot Pie

You’re not a fan of sweet food, but are smart enough to know rhubarb tastes like a leather sandal in a slimy mud puddle feels. You may have your preferences to filling — be it chicken, turkey, veggies, or beef — but you just want the sugar kept as far away as possible. You think a tomato is a vegetable and will politely debate anyone who thinks otherwise. Your middle child is named Gravy.


You like pie but don’t own a fork or spoon. Either that or the business factory made your life very stressful and you have to eat your lunch at your desk. I should really look into getting some empanadas for work.

Peach Pie

You love everything about peaches except for the fuzzy outer skin. At birthday parties, you’re the person who walks up to the magician after their show and tries to show them your magic tricks. You have a Super Mario Brothers fetish, but only a little bit. Your iPhone actively suggests the peach emoji to you when you type butt.

W(h)oopie Pie

You don’t understand what pie is. Please reload your page and try again6To those unfamiliar with woopie pie, it’s essentially two pieces of cake and some icing or marshmallow fluff made into a sandwich. It’s a cake..

Moravian Chicken Pie

While your brother/sister/cousin named their middle child Gravy, you were busy going to culinary school and getting your degree in saucery. You don’t think of gravy as a topping for mashed potatoes, but an art form meant to be shared with all of humanity. You’re likely from North Carolina and have never left the state. Colonel Sanders once sued your grandmother.


Okay…that’s neither a pie nor a tart…but it’s part of the same pastry family. So…sure. Why not. Flan’s delicious. Your blood alcohol content is 65% caramel color. House eggings upset you because it’s a waste of good food. You spent one semester in Spain and now all of your friends want to kill you in your sleep because you keep pronouncing Zaragoza with a ‘th’ in it.


Okay, smart ass.

Pinkie Pie

I mean, probably best pony7The Great and Powerful Trixie is also an acceptable answer here.. But not pie.

Pizza Pie

Again, not a pie.

Cookie Cake Pie

Now you’re just listing three desserts in a row to see if I’ll buy it8This is actually a pie. I’m just as shocked as you are. But I’ve never had it, so I can’t comment..


No. Wait…actually, that is a tart, so that works. You consider yourself to be so adventurous, but have bought the same brand of white bread for 37 years. You’re really into telling people that you’re Taurus-Gemini Cusp any time the month of May comes up in conversation. Your favorite alcohol is rubbing and your favorite dehumidifier setting is Sahara. The best way to eat ice cream to you is to pick all of the chunks out and to leave the creamy parts in the carton for everyone else.

Chess Pie

How are you even reading this? Your favorite pie is literally baked sugar and butter. Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing. But you can only have one piece every ten years or you’ll go into a coma. Chess pie is a family event because feeding one pie to your entire extended family is the only way to avoid mass casualties. The bottle of corn syrup you’re hallucinating is telling you to chill the fuck out with the sugar.

Blueberry Pie

You’re just happy to be included.

The Definitive (Read: Completely Subjective) Halloween Candy Rankings

I love sugar. It’s my friend. If I could survive and be properly nourished by ice cream, brownies, and chocolate milk, I would be. But alas, sugar is bad for you. Or something.

Yet despite that known fact that copious amounts of sugar are not great for humans, we’re about to reach the biggest candy day of the year[1]. Halloween is next Monday, which means that children — and adults — everywhere are about to begin a sugar filled binge that last until approximately Nicolas Cage’s birthday.

While I’m an adult who has the fortunate position where I can go to the store and purchase my own candy freely at Halloween, I was not so lucky as a kid. I didn’t go trick or treating for the first time until I was 12, meaning I only got two years to experience the joy of ignoring the “don’t take candy from strangers” rule for one night a year. On top of that, the people in my hometown weren’t very good at giving out quality candy.

That’s why I’m making this list. There are a lot of lists on the internet telling you that one candy is better than another. And while some of those thoughts are good[2], others promote terrible candies that I found myself giving to any family member who would take them.

Instead of doing a lengthy list of individually ranked candies, I’ve divided candies into groups. Each of these candy groups has a target audience. If you’re passing out candy, know what group you want to belong to and purchase candy accordingly.

The “I’m Buying Candy I Like, But Don’t Want Any of It Around to Tempt Me” Candies

Examples: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Take 5

If you’re buying from this group, you’re probably picking an occasional treat out of the bag throughout the night to eat if for yourself. That said, when you tell the neighborhood kids that they can have two if they want, they’ll actually take two.

Tiny Candies In Tiny Packaging

Examples: M&Ms (all kinds), Skittles, Bottle Caps, Pez, Nerds

Similar to the previous category, these candies will be quickly picked up by whatever grubby little hands are showing up at your door. Just one word of caution if you’ve got leftovers. You’ll be finding trash from any of these candies in various corners of your house for months after Halloween. If you’re okay with that, go for it.

You’re Buying For Your Kid Who Doesn’t Like Normal Candy

Examples: Dots, Good and Plenty, Fireballs, Warheads, Charleston Chew

Read: All the candies I hoped to get every Halloween. With the exception of Warheads, I know most of these candies are hated, But I didn’t want anything out of the top two groups as a kid. While I’ll eat most of them now, there’s still a soft spot in my stomach for a box or two of Dots at Halloween. Plus, they’re easy to come by. No one else wants them.

The Store Was Out Of Everything Else

Examples: Spree, York Peppermint Patties, Twizzlers/Red Vines, Pop Rocks, Fun Dip

You might be a bit hesitant to purchase these candies when you walk into Walmart at 4pm on Halloween and see a desolate candy aisle with only these options left. The thing is, you’re not doing too bad for yourself. No one else bought these things. Every kids likes each of the items on the list enough to have one of them in a year[3]. You could have done worse.

You Think You Know What Kids Like, But You Really Don’t

Examples: Jolly Rancher, Starburst, literally anything with a Tootsie Roll in it, Airheads, Sixlets

Look. I get it. Jolly Ranchers are classics. Starburst has great marketing. The Tootsie Pop was huge at the same time Sonny and Cher were. Same goes for Airheads for that six month span when Hanson mattered. If your trick or treaters are adults[4], you’ve got a decent collection of candies. For kids and their pickier palates, avoid these candies. Also, if you’re buying Sixlets, don’t. Just spend the extra dollar and get a similar sized bag of M&Ms.

You Want To Buy Candy People Say They Like But Actually Don’t

Examples: Nestle Crunch, Twix, Pixy Stix, Smarties (American version), SweetTarts

Walk up to nearly anyone and ask them if they like any of the five candies stated above. They’ll say yes to at least three out of the five, if not all five. Then give them one. That candy will sit on their kitchen counter for six months, then get thrown out during the bi-yearly purging of the fridge.

You Got Lost On the Way Out of the Store and Just Grabbed the First Thing You Saw

Examples: Any gum, Cow Tales, Circus Peanuts,  Candy Cigarettes, Mallo Cups

Why are you doing your Halloween candy shopping in a rural Ohio gas station at 2am in 2004? Leave me those Mallo Cups and get out of here[5].

You’re A Dentist, A Lawyer, or Allergic To Everything

Example: Toothbrushes

Sure. Remind me that I’m going to have astronomical dental bills all throughout my twenties because I saw the dentist one time between birth and age 20. See if I care.

You’re My Mom

Examples: There are none. Halloween is the Devil’s holiday and an abomination unto the Lord.


You’re An Asshole

Example: Zero Bars

Fuck off.

A Childhood Song Analysis

Shortly before my wedding, I was hard at work getting my lunch ready to take with me to work. On this particular day, I was making a batch of soup beans to go with ham and cornbread((I’ll share the recipe in another post if people are interested, but it’s one of the easiest things to make ever.)) when a childhood diddy got stuck in my head. By now, I’m sure most of you already know which song I’m talking about, however if not, here it is in its entirety.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
So let’s eat beans for every meal!

I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself a little bit when I realized what song was going through my head. I was instantly transported back to late elementary school when my cousins and I would sing said song while camping with my grandparents, as there was typically a significant amount of soup beans made on the trip. But then adult me realized that something wasn’t right with the song. For that matter, there are quite a few childhood songs that leave some major gaps in their storytelling — or worse, have inaccurate information. I’m here today to help clean that up.

Beans, Beans, The Musical Fruit

Let’s start right away with the beans song mentioned above. Surprisingly, the first line is not the line I take issue with. After all, according to the Mayo Clinic, beans are a fruit, just like corn, avocado, pea pods, and nuts. That’s right. Technically speaking, when you’re eating a handful of almonds, you’re eating fruit. To me, intelligence is understanding that tomatoes, beans, and nuts are fruits, but wisdom is realizing that they belong nowhere near a fruit salad.

I’m also not going to dispute the natural ability of beans to induce flatulence on those who consume them. I mean, this song has its own Wikipedia page for heaven sakes. No, my issue is with the final line of the song. I am certainly not the type of person who believes that foods have set times of day you must eat them. I’m a strong believer that you can have ice cream for breakfast, pancakes for lunch, and cold cereal for dinner, and you’ll be a champion at adulting for it. That said, if there’s one food that really doesn’t sound appealing in the morning, it’s beans. I’ll take my traditional breakfast of a root beer float with a side of strawberries and call it a day.


Our second song is a derisive playground song typically directed at any weird/nerdy kid who has an interest of a member of the opposite sex. The song goes something like this.

Eric and Amy((Obviously the names of the two parties in question will replace the names of Eric and Amy.)), sittin’ in a tree

First comes love
Second comes marriage
The comes baby in a baby carriage

I can recall to this day the first time I heard this song jeered at me. It was third grade, late in the year. I had barely talked to anyone for most of the year, and had just started making friends a couple of months prior. My first female friend was a girl named Ashley who would play football at recess with me and a few of our friends. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she had a crush on me. In addition to this, neither of us were particularly popular. It was only a matter of time before a couple of popular kids in our homeroom would sing this at us at recess. It was extremely annoying.

That said, the song has a lot of errors. First and foremost, it has a very pro-religious slant by assuming that love and marriage must come before having a baby. I’ve met a few people((including potentially a member of my immediate family, depending on whose story you believe.)) who got married because there was a baby and a baby carriage on the way. Furthermore, what if the married couple doesn’t want kids? What if they’re only getting married so that one person can get a green card and move to a country with new opportunities? What if it’s an arranged marriage? I have so many questions.

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring

Finally, let’s take a look at a song that predates my elementary school time, though I can certainly imagine it being sang in pre-K/kindergarten classrooms.

It’s raining, it’s pouring
The old man is snoring
He went to bed
And bumped his head
And couldn’t get up in the morning

First of all, fuck limericks.

Secondly, I didn’t realize this as the time as a child, but this song is terribly morbid. I mean, I have to believe that the old man in this song is dead. Not only that, but no one knows about his death until the morning after. Let’s look at the facts here.

  • At one point in time, the man is alive, as evidenced by the fact that it’s snoring.
  • Likewise, he’s elderly. That may not seem important, but stay with me here.
  • It’s raining outside…quite heavily as indicated by the usage of the word pouring.
  • We know that the man suffered some sort of head trauma either in his sleep or as he went to bed.
  • It’s unclear what the specific trauma was or who caused it. We’re left to presume it’s accidental.
  • The trauma is serious enough to cause the man not to be able to rise from his bed in the morning.

It’s possible that said trauma is paralysis, however since the fact that the old man couldn’t get up is where the song ends, I’m lead to believe he has died. That said, how didn’t his family hear him hit his head? On one hand, the bumping of the old man’s head could easily be muffled out by the rain outside, however I have a different opinion. Since the song itself is not found in books prior to the 1930s, I have to believe that the family let the old man die so they wouldn’t have to feed another mouth admist the Great Depression.

Not going to want to sing that song to your kids anymore, are you?

How To Make People Hate You While Driving: A Primer

Congratulations. You are capable of operating a motor vehicle on the road. You’re awesome. You know the rules of the road, the etiquette you’re supposed to follow, and the ways to stay safe in any situation. But you have a burning desire to be something more. You want to be a dickhead to other drivers. The problem is, you don’t know how. You’re a nice person who loves following rules, but you’re looking to change the way you behave to others.

Never fear. I’m here to help you. I’ve compiled five tips from years of watching other drivers be idiots on the road. If you follow these five suggestions, you’ll be hated by your fellow commuters in no time.

1. Don’t Use Your Turn Signal While Changing Lanes

Electric turn signals were first installed in cars in 1907 and were widely installed in cars in the 1940s. They’ve widely been proven to increase safety on the roads and are an invaluable resource to communicating with other drivers on the roads. If you really want to start making people hate you on the roads, the first thing you need to do is to stop using them. Remember that turn signals aren’t about remembering where you need to go. You obviously know where you’re going. Turns signals are used to help other people realize your intentions about where your car will be going next. You don’t need these. This is especially true if you’re driving a crotch rocket-style motorcycle on a crowded highway at rush hour, as you don’t need to obey lanes. You’re better than lanes, so why signal?

2. Merging Like A Dick Is A Fine Art

Ever heard of the asshole lane? Most people know exactly what I’m talking about, however if you’re truly talented at making other drivers hate you, this term is likely lost on you. That’s because it’s known as a passing lane to you. If you’re still unaware, see the picture below.

Image credit: evapohler.com

To most, the fact that the lane on the right is ending means that you should zipper merge with the traffic in the lane immediately to your left. But if you want other drivers to truly hate you, this means you should go as fast as you can to pass as many cars as you can before asserting your dominance and cutting in front of drivers in the lane to your left. Bonus points if you commit this action immediately after a stoplight.

3. Speed Limit > Flow of Traffic

Becoming a driver hated by their fellow drivers is not merely about going fast at all times. In some instances, it’s a matter of carefully following the laws set forth by local jurisdictions. Let’s say that you’re on a major highway. The speed limit on this highway is 60 miles per hour, however flow of traffic is routinely 70-75 MPH. You can’t let other people break the law! It’s time for you to make sure you’re going exactly 60. In the left lane. With your hazard lights on. After all, safety first.

4. Animals Are Targets

Some of you have been reading this list and likely thinking to yourselves, “Hey…I want people to hate me while I drive, but I don’t live near a ton of people for the first three items on this list to be relevant to me. How can you help me be an asshole?” Never fear. I have a solution.

Growing up, I lived in an area where wildlife made its way onto roads on a very regular basis. Occasionally, your vehicle would make contact with a bird/raccoon/deer/etc, and most sane human beings would feel bad. After all, you don’t want to hit an animal with your car, right? If you want people to hate you while driving, this is exactly what you want to do. Not only should you try to hit animals, you should go out of your way to try to run over that groundhog skittering its way off the road. I mean, doing so in no way makes you a deplorable human being or anything of the sort.

5. Assured Clear Stopping Distance Is Overrated

When all else fails and the other items on this list aren’t applicable to your driving situation, there will always be one never-fail item that will make other drivers on the road hate you with the fiery passion of a thousand suns: not obeying the rules of assured clear stopping distance. While that term is a fairly objective term to anyone with common sense and basic human decency, to the asshole driver, if a space is large enough for his or her car to fit into, then the car belongs there. Never mind being able to stop without hitting that person. Never mind that rain and snow change the distance needed to stop a car. Never mind that it takes a lot longer to safely stop a car from 70 MPH than 15 MPH. You’re the most hated driver on the road. Go right ahead and shove your car into a space that would barely fit your car in a parallel parking scenario. It’s the least you can do in order to cement your place in the underbelly of society.