Category: Humor

What Your Favorite Type of Pie Says About You

I love pie. Pie is everything cake wants to be without all of the disappointment of being terrible 30 minutes after you cut it. When people ask me what kind of cake I want for my birthday, I say ice cream cake. But when they tell me ice cream cake is too expensive, I say I want pie. And because my birthday is close to Thanksgiving, nearly every year someone obliges.

Everyone has their own favorite kind of pie. I’m a fan of pecan myself. But did you know that your favorite pie can tell other people a lot about you1It can’t.?

It can’t2Nope.?

You’re saying I’m just using Buzzfeed-like listicle science to get you to keep reading3Yes. Stop it, Tim. You’re better than this.?

Have you had pie4Well, yes. But that’s not the point.?

Well then come along on a journey wherein I help you learn what your favorite kind of pie says about you5Goddammit..

Cherry Pie

You’re a simple person who enjoys simple pleasures. You love how a warm, flaky, buttery crust tastes when it’s pressed up against tart cherries encased in a sweet, sticky sauce. You also giggle when someone mentions pie because you listened to too much Warrant and wanted to sample the People’s Strudel. You’re straightforward, yet complex. Just like this classic pie.

Pecan Pie

You love Thanksgiving and you’re not ashamed to admit it. In fact, you’re so unashamed of your love for Thanksgiving that you’re more than willing to tell your dentist that the reason your temporary crown broke for the third time in six weeks is because you managed to get your hands on a pecan pie not only for your birthday, but also for Thanksgiving. Black Friday visits to the dentist are so fun. Wait. What was I talking about again?

Rhubarb Pie

You’ve been lost in the wilderness for 16 years and are trying to readjust to society. As someone who has been in society for the last 16 years, I can promise you’re better off not knowing what’s going on out here.

Lemon Meringue Pie

On the outside, you’ve got a bubbly, airy personality. People want to be you because you look like you have the most glamorous life. On the inside, you’re a mess of all the ingredients that went into making your what you are today — and you’re not sure if the sum of all the parts is better than the ingredients by themselves. On the plus side, you’re awesome at making small children cry.

Apple Pie

You’re an American and you love your country. You want nothing more than baseball, Coca-Cola, and a hot dog after a long day at the business factory. Like America, your pie could be improved by being Dutch.¬†And even if you know there could be better alternatives out there to your hobbies or favorite pie, you stick with what you know. Because you dislike change. And the Dutch.

Pumpkin Pie

Your favorite pie is Cool Whip.

Banana Cream Pie

You’re health conscious, but you love to indulge from time to time. You want to find the best of both worlds between taste and restraint. You want to integrate more fruit into your diet, but you hate the texture of berries and the smell of citrus fruit. You own stock in Nilla Wafers and loved Bananas in Pajamas. Above all, you’re confused why some pies have top crusts.

Key Lime Pie

You like your coffee black, your chili spicy, and your beer ice cold. If food could punch you in the face, you’d welcome it with open arms, then suplex it the fuck over your head for trying. One day, you plan to retire to a small fishing village in Spain where you can harpoon your own octopus for breakfast. You’re also very confused why anyone would waste a lime on tequila when there’s pie to make.

Pot Pie

You’re not a fan of sweet food, but are smart enough to know rhubarb tastes like a leather sandal in a slimy mud puddle feels. You may have your preferences to filling — be it chicken, turkey, veggies, or beef — but you just want the sugar kept as far away as possible. You think a tomato is a vegetable and will politely debate anyone who thinks otherwise. Your middle child is named Gravy.


You like pie but don’t own a fork or spoon. Either that or the business factory made your life very stressful and you have to eat your lunch at your desk. I should really look into getting some empanadas for work.

Peach Pie

You love everything about peaches except for the fuzzy outer skin. At birthday parties, you’re the person who walks up to the magician after their show and tries to show them your magic tricks. You have a Super Mario Brothers fetish, but only a little bit. Your iPhone actively suggests the peach emoji to you when you type butt.

W(h)oopie Pie

You don’t understand what pie is. Please reload your page and try again6To those unfamiliar with woopie pie, it’s essentially two pieces of cake and some icing or marshmallow fluff made into a sandwich. It’s a cake..

Moravian Chicken Pie

While your brother/sister/cousin named their middle child Gravy, you were busy going to culinary school and getting your degree in saucery. You don’t think of gravy as a topping for mashed potatoes, but an art form meant to be shared with all of humanity. You’re likely from North Carolina and have never left the state. Colonel Sanders once sued your grandmother.


Okay…that’s neither a pie nor a tart…but it’s part of the same pastry family. So…sure. Why not. Flan’s delicious. Your blood alcohol content is 65% caramel color. House eggings upset you because it’s a waste of good food. You spent one semester in Spain and now all of your friends want to kill you in your sleep because you keep pronouncing Zaragoza with a ‘th’ in it.


Okay, smart ass.

Pinkie Pie

I mean, probably best pony7The Great and Powerful Trixie is also an acceptable answer here.. But not pie.

Pizza Pie

Again, not a pie.

Cookie Cake Pie

Now you’re just listing three desserts in a row to see if I’ll buy it8This is actually a pie. I’m just as shocked as you are. But I’ve never had it, so I can’t comment..


No. Wait…actually, that is a tart, so that works. You consider yourself to be so adventurous, but have bought the same brand of white bread for 37 years. You’re really into telling people that you’re Taurus-Gemini Cusp any time the month of May comes up in conversation. Your favorite alcohol is rubbing and your favorite dehumidifier setting is Sahara. The best way to eat ice cream to you is to pick all of the chunks out and to leave the creamy parts in the carton for everyone else.

Chess Pie

How are you even reading this? Your favorite pie is literally baked sugar and butter. Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing. But you can only have one piece every ten years or you’ll go into a coma. Chess pie is a family event because feeding one pie to your entire extended family is the only way to avoid mass casualties. The bottle of corn syrup you’re hallucinating is telling you to chill the fuck out with the sugar.

Blueberry Pie

You’re just happy to be included.

The Definitive (Read: Completely Subjective) Halloween Candy Rankings

I love sugar. It’s my friend. If I could survive and be properly nourished by ice cream, brownies, and chocolate milk, I would be. But alas, sugar is bad for you. Or something.

Yet despite that known fact that copious amounts of sugar are not great for humans, we’re about to reach the biggest candy day of the year[1]. Halloween is next Monday, which means that children — and adults — everywhere are about to begin a sugar filled binge that last until approximately Nicolas Cage’s birthday.

While I’m an adult who has the fortunate position where I can go to the store and purchase my own candy freely at Halloween, I was not so lucky as a kid. I didn’t go trick or treating for the first time until I was 12, meaning I only got two years to experience the joy of ignoring the “don’t take candy from strangers” rule for one night a year. On top of that, the people in my hometown weren’t very good at giving out quality candy.

That’s why I’m making this list. There are a lot of lists on the internet telling you that one candy is better than another. And while some of those thoughts are good[2], others promote terrible candies that I found myself giving to any family member who would take them.

Instead of doing a lengthy list of individually ranked candies, I’ve divided candies into groups. Each of these candy groups has a target audience. If you’re passing out candy, know what group you want to belong to and purchase candy accordingly.

The “I’m Buying Candy I Like, But Don’t Want Any of It Around to Tempt Me” Candies

Examples: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Take 5

If you’re buying from this group, you’re probably picking an occasional treat out of the bag throughout the night to eat if for yourself. That said, when you tell the neighborhood kids that they can have two if they want, they’ll actually take two.

Tiny Candies In Tiny Packaging

Examples: M&Ms (all kinds), Skittles, Bottle Caps, Pez, Nerds

Similar to the previous category, these candies will be quickly picked up by whatever grubby little hands are showing up at your door. Just one word of caution if you’ve got leftovers. You’ll be finding trash from any of these candies in various corners of your house for months after Halloween. If you’re okay with that, go for it.

You’re Buying For Your Kid Who Doesn’t Like Normal Candy

Examples: Dots, Good and Plenty, Fireballs, Warheads, Charleston Chew

Read: All the candies I hoped to get every Halloween. With the exception of Warheads, I know most of these candies are hated, But I didn’t want anything out of the top two groups as a kid. While I’ll eat most of them now, there’s still a soft spot in my stomach for a box or two of Dots at Halloween. Plus, they’re easy to come by. No one else wants them.

The Store Was Out Of Everything Else

Examples: Spree, York Peppermint Patties, Twizzlers/Red Vines, Pop Rocks, Fun Dip

You might be a bit hesitant to purchase these candies when you walk into Walmart at 4pm on Halloween and see a desolate candy aisle with only these options left. The thing is, you’re not doing too bad for yourself. No one else bought these things. Every kids likes each of the items on the list enough to have one of them in a year[3]. You could have done worse.

You Think You Know What Kids Like, But You Really Don’t

Examples: Jolly Rancher, Starburst, literally anything with a Tootsie Roll in it, Airheads, Sixlets

Look. I get it. Jolly Ranchers are classics. Starburst has great marketing. The Tootsie Pop was huge at the same time Sonny and Cher were. Same goes for Airheads for that six month span when Hanson mattered. If your trick or treaters are adults[4], you’ve got a decent collection of candies. For kids and their pickier palates, avoid these candies. Also, if you’re buying Sixlets, don’t. Just spend the extra dollar and get a similar sized bag of M&Ms.

You Want To Buy Candy People Say They Like But Actually Don’t

Examples: Nestle Crunch, Twix, Pixy Stix, Smarties (American version), SweetTarts

Walk up to nearly anyone and ask them if they like any of the five candies stated above. They’ll say yes to at least three out of the five, if not all five. Then give them one. That candy will sit on their kitchen counter for six months, then get thrown out during the bi-yearly purging of the fridge.

You Got Lost On the Way Out of the Store and Just Grabbed the First Thing You Saw

Examples: Any gum, Cow Tales, Circus Peanuts,  Candy Cigarettes, Mallo Cups

Why are you doing your Halloween candy shopping in a rural Ohio gas station at 2am in 2004? Leave me those Mallo Cups and get out of here[5].

You’re A Dentist, A Lawyer, or Allergic To Everything

Example: Toothbrushes

Sure. Remind me that I’m going to have astronomical dental bills all throughout my twenties because I saw the dentist one time between birth and age 20. See if I care.

You’re My Mom

Examples: There are none. Halloween is the Devil’s holiday and an abomination unto the Lord.


You’re An Asshole

Example: Zero Bars

Fuck off.

In Lettero 3: Reminisce With a Vengeance

I was dumb once. Well, not just once. Mostly I was dumb in my past. I’m also dumb at times now, but hopefully less so.

A while back, I wrote a pair of blog posts with a series of letters to myself (you can find them here and here, respectively…all inspired by a post from Samantha at Comic Wisdom). The basic premise of those posts was to give my past self advice, as I’ve done some stupid things before. If time travel ever happens, I’d love to be able to give my younger self advice to help me avoid stupid decisions that make my life more difficult[1].

To Tim, Age 7

This is going to sound really weird, but in early April of this year, you’re going to see something on television that’s going to be your first long-term memory. Some idiots with a truck are going to blow up a building in Oklahoma City, killing a lot of people. You won’t know or have any connection to anyone in that bombing. But your parents are going to get divorced starting later that year, and pretty much every memory prior to the divorce starting will get wiped out. Except seeing the Murrah building in shambles on TV. Memory is weird. Focus on trying to remember as much as you can growing up. You won’t have a lot of artifacts around to help you.


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 12ish

For about a year, you’re going to live in a two bedroom house with ten other people[2]. You’re going to hear and see A LOT of things that are going to shape the way you form your political/societal opinions from now until you get to college. Let me clarify a few things to help you out.

  • Confederate flags don’t actually stand for someone being a good ol’ boy.
  • The majority of people do not consume tobacco, despite what you see on a daily basis.
  • 2Pac wasn’t rapping about white empowerment.
  • Just because you can hear multiple people having sex while you’re trying to sleep doesn’t mean that’s normal.
  • Not everyone who’s registered as a Democrat[3] is a bad person.

On the bright side, at least you quickly realize that someone having two kids with two separate moms less than a month apart generally isn’t a good thing.


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 19

Stop growing that mustache. You look like a fucking moron.


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 20

You’re going to meet a girl who you’re going to crush on. Hard. While this is not a new development for you at this stage in your life, this particular girl is going to get you heavily involved in a church. Said church has some positive points, but is full of extremely manipulative people. I’d love to tell you not to talk to this girl at all, but it’s unavoidable[4]. Instead, when she tells you she really doesn’t want a relationship with someone who doesn’t attend her church, just say okay. Drop it there. It’ll save you six months of religious confusion, people trying to control your lives, and a $600 deposit you won’t get back.


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 21

You managed to get tickets to see Paramore and Gwen Stefani just a few days before your 22nd birthday. You won’t go though. Your overwhelming infatuation with Hayley Williams aside, a friend tells you it’s a great show. You should go. Don’t cancel going to the concert and waste the $80 you spent buying the tickets. It’s not worth it. The date really doesn’t go well.


Future Tim

To Tim, Also Age 21

There’s a girl who is going to spend the better part of two and a half weeks trying to schedule a date with you. Don’t go on it. She used a false picture online, she’s not a nice person, and she literally punches you in the face for no reason other than “she wants to see a girl hit a guy for once”.

While this isn’t your dating low point[5], it’s damn close.


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 25

In a three month span, you’re going to write six of the ten stories that become part of the book you’re going to publish in a few years[6]. This is a period of creativity that is unprecedented before and since then (at least as of writing this post). Please take advantage of it the best that you can. The stories that come out of this time are going to be dark, they’re going to be passionate, and they’re (mostly) going to be very difficult for you to write. Do continue writing. Even though you’re not going to make a ton of money off of your book, it’s still an incredibly exciting experience.


Future Tim

A Childhood Song Analysis

Shortly before my wedding, I was hard at work getting my lunch ready to take with me to work. On this particular day, I was making a batch of soup beans to go with ham and cornbread((I’ll share the recipe in another post if people are interested, but it’s one of the easiest things to make ever.)) when a childhood diddy got stuck in my head. By now, I’m sure most of you already know which song I’m talking about, however if not, here it is in its entirety.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
So let’s eat beans for every meal!

I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself a little bit when I realized what song was going through my head. I was instantly transported back to late elementary school when my cousins and I would sing said song while camping with my grandparents, as there was typically a significant amount of soup beans made on the trip. But then adult me realized that something wasn’t right with the song. For that matter, there are quite a few childhood songs that leave some major gaps in their storytelling — or worse, have inaccurate information. I’m here today to help clean that up.

Beans, Beans, The Musical Fruit

Let’s start right away with the beans song mentioned above. Surprisingly, the first line is not the line I take issue with. After all, according to the Mayo Clinic, beans are a fruit, just like corn, avocado, pea pods, and nuts. That’s right. Technically speaking, when you’re eating a handful of almonds, you’re eating fruit. To me, intelligence is understanding that tomatoes, beans, and nuts are fruits, but wisdom is realizing that they belong nowhere near a fruit salad.

I’m also not going to dispute the natural ability of beans to induce flatulence on those who consume them. I mean, this song has its own Wikipedia page for heaven sakes. No, my issue is with the final line of the song. I am certainly not the type of person who believes that foods have set times of day you must eat them. I’m a strong believer that you can have ice cream for breakfast, pancakes for lunch, and cold cereal for dinner, and you’ll be a champion at adulting for it. That said, if there’s one food that really doesn’t sound appealing in the morning, it’s beans. I’ll take my traditional breakfast of a root beer float with a side of strawberries and call it a day.


Our second song is a derisive playground song typically directed at any weird/nerdy kid who has an interest of a member of the opposite sex. The song goes something like this.

Eric and Amy((Obviously the names of the two parties in question will replace the names of Eric and Amy.)), sittin’ in a tree

First comes love
Second comes marriage
The comes baby in a baby carriage

I can recall to this day the first time I heard this song jeered at me. It was third grade, late in the year. I had barely talked to anyone for most of the year, and had just started making friends a couple of months prior. My first female friend was a girl named Ashley who would play football at recess with me and a few of our friends. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she had a crush on me. In addition to this, neither of us were particularly popular. It was only a matter of time before a couple of popular kids in our homeroom would sing this at us at recess. It was extremely annoying.

That said, the song has a lot of errors. First and foremost, it has a very pro-religious slant by assuming that love and marriage must come before having a baby. I’ve met a few people((including potentially a member of my immediate family, depending on whose story you believe.)) who got married because there was a baby and a baby carriage on the way. Furthermore, what if the married couple doesn’t want kids? What if they’re only getting married so that one person can get a green card and move to a country with new opportunities? What if it’s an arranged marriage? I have so many questions.

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring

Finally, let’s take a look at a song that predates my elementary school time, though I can certainly imagine it being sang in pre-K/kindergarten classrooms.

It’s raining, it’s pouring
The old man is snoring
He went to bed
And bumped his head
And couldn’t get up in the morning

First of all, fuck limericks.

Secondly, I didn’t realize this as the time as a child, but this song is terribly morbid. I mean, I have to believe that the old man in this song is dead. Not only that, but no one knows about his death until the morning after. Let’s look at the facts here.

  • At one point in time, the man is alive, as evidenced by the fact that it’s snoring.
  • Likewise, he’s elderly. That may not seem important, but stay with me here.
  • It’s raining outside…quite heavily as indicated by the usage of the word pouring.
  • We know that the man suffered some sort of head trauma either in his sleep or as he went to bed.
  • It’s unclear what the specific trauma was or who caused it. We’re left to presume it’s accidental.
  • The trauma is serious enough to cause the man not to be able to rise from his bed in the morning.

It’s possible that said trauma is paralysis, however since the fact that the old man couldn’t get up is where the song ends, I’m lead to believe he has died. That said, how didn’t his family hear him hit his head? On one hand, the bumping of the old man’s head could easily be muffled out by the rain outside, however I have a different opinion. Since the song itself is not found in books prior to the 1930s, I have to believe that the family let the old man die so they wouldn’t have to feed another mouth admist the Great Depression.

Not going to want to sing that song to your kids anymore, are you?

In Lettero

A while back, I was reading through the work of Samantha over at Jill of All Trades, when I came across her post writing letters to her younger self (which was inspired by a section of Allie Brosh’s book, Hyperbole and a Half). Past me was a bit boring at times, though I figured I would try my best to address younger me in a manner befitting to the stupid shit I’m sure I did at various points in my life. As a point of order, I’d like to note that no time travelers were harmed in the making of this post.

Note: For those of you familiar with my footnoted posts in the past, I’ve changed how they work with this post. Just hover over the footnote link and you’ll see the footnote, rather than having to bounce back and forth.

To Tim, Age 6

Hi. Because you’re a kid, you’re equal parts dumb and daring. Just because you can jump off of the lowest two steps of the stairs at grandma’s house onto carpet does not mean that jumping down an entire flight of stairs onto concrete is a good idea. In addition to not being able to walk right for a few months, your mom is going to make up a story saying your dad abused you, which will then turn a fairly civil divorce into an extremely messy, three-year ordeal with multiple custody changes.

It’s just not worth it[1].


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 11

You know how you didn’t think it seemed right that your first stepmom had both of her kids in her wedding to your dad, but you weren’t allowed to do anything? Yeah. That shit is foreshadowing. She’s a maniacal, freeloading bitch who takes your dad for all he’s worth emotionally and nearly as much as your mom did financially. When she gets out of the car and threatens to leave your dad two weeks after they got married, don’t try to stop her.

On an unrelated note, this is the age you gave up baseball to play basketball. While you’ll think both sports suck as an adult, you were actually really good at baseball. Stick with baseball. It’ll be better than repeatedly screwing up your ankles running track on cinders in high school[2].


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 14

Your stepmom is about to call you a “fucking liberal pussy grass fag” because you give up playing football because you’d rather run cross country. The only thing you were good at was kick returning, so it’s not like you were going to see the field anyway. Besides, the other kid in your grade who also returned kicks breaks his arm on his first kick return in high school, while you get to play trumpet and hang out with your friends.


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 16

Sophomore English sucks[3]. You have a horrible teacher who favors football players without question, and after you question her definition of first-person perspective (which, even looking back 10 years later, is still horribly incorrect), she WILL seek any opportunity to make you feel like a shitty student.

Stick it out. You’re going to get two things out of that class that you won’t get anywhere else. First, you’ll take 15-20 grammar tests in the semester, which are the only thing that keep you afloat GPA wise. These will come in extremely handy when you work to become an author later in life. Oh…and about that author thing. When said teacher tells you that you’re a terrible writer and that you should never attempt to write or go to college, it’ll piss you off enough that you’ll consider dedicating your book to her[4].

Fun fact: you’ll never find motivation quite like someone telling you that you can’t do something.


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 18

Your senior year is going to suck, as is your first semester in college. For that matter, it’s the only year in high school you’re going to hate, while that first semester in college is going to become one of the darkest points in your early life. Allow me to save you some trouble. When your high school sweetheart breaks up with you the first of 5-10 times senior year (none of which were for longer than a week), let her.

You’ll have a better chance of being productive in your first two semesters of college. You likely won’t date a rebound girl who your best friend calls “SEVER”[5] because of how much he wants you to break up with her (and her lack of brains, personality, and fiscal responsibility). Maybe you’ll get to talk to your middle school best friend for longer than five minutes without worrying if she’s jealous. The sweetheart, not the best friend. Said best friend goes away forever when you stop talking to her.

On a semi-related note, you’re really, really going to want to go to Northwestern. You don’t need to go there (after all, your eventual college choice works out pretty well), but at least consider it for longer than three minutes. At least tell someone you’re considering it.


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 19

When you’re in Spain as part of your study abroad program, you barely leave your guest family’s apartment because you’re too busy emailing/Skyping with SEVER. Go see sights. In consecutive weekends, you turn down a trip to Portugal with three guys in your group, a night of drinking with Swedish twins[6] in Granada[7], and a trip to Italy and Slovenia with the aforementioned three guys in your group. At least take advantage of one of the opportunities. It may well be the last time you go to Europe.


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 22-23

You’re about to run through four of the five worst relationships you’ve been in within the span of eight months. They’re all going to suck, but they’re all going to serve a purpose.

The first will teach you that there are some people in the world who will only make you happy if it’s in their best interests. These aren’t the people you’ll want to associate yourself with. Fortunately, the end of this relationship will be part of what spurs you to move to Arizona, which is a short-term setback for a long-term benefit.

The second one will teach you that there are wonderful people in the world who truly can treat you great. Sounds awesome, right? It is briefly, but then you realize that just because someone is a friend doesn’t mean you like each other as relationship partners. It’ll even ruin this friendship. But it will restore your faith that not everyone in the world is a dick.

The third will show you that you are capable of ending a relationship for reasons other than fear. You’ll realize you have standards and want to live up to them.

The last one will show you that just because someone has the same life goals and enjoys the same things as you doesn’t mean they’re a good fit to be with you. Much like your senior year with your high school sweetheart, this one goes on and off for a while. Get out earlier rather than later.[8]

The good news to all of this? There’s something better that comes down the path just months after relationship four ends.


Future Tim

To Tim, Age 24

Keep the cat. Your neighbor is a cockwomble.

Also, just because you lose your job doesn’t mean you’re a failure. If anything, it’s a blessing in disguise. That university you worked for? It shuts down less than a year later and rumor has it that all the employees got screwed while all the investors made off like bandits. You’ll end up working for a company that recognizes that education is just as important as experience when furthering someone’s career. You’re going to go a lot of places with them in a span of two years.

Oh, and that nerdy girl you’re dating? Start saving money for shiny things for her now.[9]


Future Tim