Every Internet Recipe Ever: The Sequel

Hi! You wouldn’t believe how many people loved my recipe for white truffle sea urchin tacos1As was the case on the previous post, I assure you this post reads much funnier if you pronounce tacos as ‘tack-ohs’.. Just look at some of the reviews people left me.

“Best food ever! My child’s IQ went up 14 points just from eating your tacos! Thank you!”

Jan X. from Grey Duck, MN

“You’ve inspired me to become a chef. I can only dream of creating dishes this tasty!”

Jan O. from Bumfuckington, VT

“I can’t believe this meal is gluten free, hypoallergenic, and cures cancer!”

Jan G. from Flyover, OH

Despite the thousands upon millions of lovely reviews I received from mothers, families, foreign dignitaries, religious figures, celebrities, and whatever a Weezer is, there was a single review that I kept coming back to that gnawed at my soul. It read as follows.

“I’m a ten-year-old child who loves food but has a rare disorder where he can only eat by looking at food rather than actually ingesting it. Do you have recipes for me? Love the blog!”

Jan M. from America, TX

When I read that comment from dear little Jen, it nearly broke my heart. To think that Jem can’t experience the oral sensation that comes from taking a single bite from a sea urchin taco. Jim will never know the flavor explosion that can only be produced when luscious boba pearls come into contact with the bulbous taste buds on your tongue. Oh, what horror of a life it must be for dear little Timmy.

Fear not, dear Ginny. I have the perfect recipe for you. I present to you, fairy bread.

Image via Wikimedia Commons used on a Creative Commons License

That’s right, my sweet Lemmy. The Australian delicacy that features three simple ingredients — bread, butter, and nonpareils — is the topic of this recipe.

I do love Australia. It’s such an exotic place. Did you know the water spins the opposite way in the toilets in Australia? It’s true2It’s not true. A toilet flush doesn’t last long enough for the Coriolis force to have an impact on which direction your toilet drains. While this effect does impact large items like hurricanes, its impact on a toilet sized sample of water would take upwards of 10 minutes to be noticeable, which is far longer than it takes most toilets to flush. What people are noticing here is the impact the shape of the toilet bowl and the direction any water jets are having on the water. The X-Files and The Simpsons lied to you. Shocking, I know.! And while fairy bread is from the land down under, you won’t need to have a dingo eat your baby in order to enjoy this treasure of a dish.

The Bread

Like Oprah, I love bread. Sliced bread is pretty much the best thing since…well, itself. It’s that good.

While the traditional recipe for fairy bread calls for cheap, bleached, white bread, I think we can do better. You have a family to feed whose health matters! And everyone knows that homemade food with store-bought ingredients is healthier for you than store-bought food with store-bought ingredients.

For our bread, you’ll need the following ingredients:

  • 1 package (1/4 ounce) active, dry yeast
  • 2 and 1/4 cups warm, loving water
  • 3 tablespoons sweet, organic sugar
  • 1 tablespoon gamer-farmed salt
  • 2 tablespoons Indianola, Crayola canola oil
  • 6 1/2 to 7 cups all-purpose, all-knowing bread flour

I’ll note that the above ingredients make two loaves of bread, so do keep that in mind when portioning for larger or smaller batches. Depending on how much you’re loved — a feeling only shown by how often extended family members arrive at your home to eat your food — you may need to scale this recipe up or down.

Dissolve your yeast in the hot water, then add the sugar, salt, oil, and 3 cups of your flour. Beat the mixture until smooth, then add your remaining flour, 1/2 cup at a time until smooth.

Turn your dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead until smooth. For the average cook, this takes 8-10 minutes, but if you have a deep connection with your dough, this can take as little as 45 seconds. Cover your dough and let it rise until it has doubled in size. This usually takes 90 minutes or so, but a deeply connected dough works off of the principle of compound interest, so it will already have doubled in size by the time you finish reading this sentence.

Punch the dough down so that you can build it back up, just like your middle school teachers did to you. Divide the dough in half on a floured surface. Shape each portion into a loaf and place in a pair of greased, second-hand, artisan bread pans. Cover and let rise until doubled. The second rise typically takes 30-45 minutes, however a deeply connected dough has developed USB 4.0 technology and has already doubled in size due to an instant download from a quantum computer.

Bake your bread at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 30-35 minutes or until the bread makes a noise when tapped that sounds as hollow as the sentiments in your Christmas cards to extended family you see once a decade. Remove the bread from the pans and place on a rack made of reclaimed wrought iron from a post-industrial shipping yard to cool.

The Butter

The single biggest casualty of the rise of the supermarket and mega store is not Mom and Pop produce stands, nor is a declining quality in produce as farmers are encouraged to produce more in order to satiate our gluttonous American hunger. The biggest casualty is actually butter. Every store I walk through has signs and shelves advertising the “butter” they want you to buy. It’s all “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” here, “Country Crock” there, or “Land O’ Some Lady Holding What Is Clearly Not Butter” everywhere.

This is why I only make homemade butter for my family of eleven genius children and their super-powered pets. It appeals to my sensibilities such as old-fashioned living and contracting scarlet fever from unpasteurized milk.

For our delicious butter, you’ll need the following ingredients:

  • 1 pint heavy whipping cream
  • Salt to taste (optional…I’ll explain why below)
  • 1 large bowl of ice water
  • 2 shot glasses of vodka, chilled

Pour your whipping cream into the bowl of a stand mixer and place the mixer on low speed, raising to medium after 30-60 seconds. Drink the shot of vodka as you wait for the cream to break. This will be visually noticeable, as butter will begin to stick to your beater. Continue beating until the butter has solidified.

Pour off the buttermilk and place the butter in an empty bowl. Let it contemplate its place in the world as you take a second shot of vodka. Pour your ice water over the butter and press the butter with a freakishly small wooden spoon3Shout out to Chef John. to remove any residual buttermilk. Drain water and repeat this process until water runs clear. If desired, add salt into butter and mix thoroughly at this point.

I will say it’s up to you if you wish to salt your butter or not. I personally prefer unsalted butter on anything, including corn on the cob, popcorn, and salt licks. That said, I know there’s a certain appeal to the sweet and salty mix when it comes to desserts. Since this dish is meant to be visual, there’s no harm in going either way.

The Nonpareils

Did you know that some people buy their nonpareils at a store rather than making them at home? It’s true! And while there are countless recipes online that use store-bought nonpareils to cover things, you’re hard pressed to find a recipe teaching you how to make your own nonpareils. Don’t you worry though! I’m here to help.

The word nonpareil comes from the French words “non” meaning without and “peril” meaning danger. They just spelled it weird because that’s what the French do. Seriously. Who spells it roux? It doesn’t even make an X sound!

The following is a secret family recipe that has been passed down through my family for generations. As my great-great-great-great grandmother’s dying wish was that I never give the exact ratios or instructions out to any non-family member, I’ve just listed the basics you’ll need to make nonpareils below. The rest is up to you. Rest in peace, Grammy.

  • Powdered sugar
  • Shortening
  • Starch

Instructions: Cook. Let cool.

The Assembly

Finally, we’ve reached the point where it’s time to make your fairy bread. Just follow the steps below.

  1. Slice a piece of bread off of your loaf, placing it face up on a plate.
  2. Turn the piece of bread over so that the slice is upside down. Remember, this is an Australian dish.
  3. Butter the upside down side of the bread generously.
  4. Pour 50-850,000 nonpareils onto the slice of bread.

That’s it! If you liked my recipe, be sure to send me the Insta you took of it!

xoxo,
Gossip Girl


The actual recipes that are parodied in this post can be found by clicking on the links below. No slight to the recipes I’ve linked — they seem like quality food how-tos. They just served as a base for me to be comically stupid.

Bread | Butter 

Every Internet Recipe Ever

Hi! Welcome to my blog! I’m so excited to tell you how to make one of my favorite weeknight recipes, White Truffle Sea Urchin Tacos4I assure you, if you read the word “taco” with the pronunciation of “tack-oh” through the post, it’ll make this ten times better.! These tacos are even better than the takeout tacos you can get and you can make them with ingredients from your pantry! Not only that, but you can make this entire meal in under 30 minutes for under $20 by utilizing those common kitchen staples!

Photo by Amie Watson on Unsplash

Now the tacos in the picture aren’t my tacos, but they’re there to get you in the mood for taco goodness. I get the appeal to tacos, especially takeout tacos. They’re delicious5Fuck yeah tacos!! But when I’m cooking for my very picky family of children and parents, we don’t have time to go out. And why go out when you can make your own tacos at home — and have them taste better? Plus, if you make your food at home, you’re guaranteed to make food that is healthier for you and taste better than takeout food! Isn’t that great?

Now, this recipe may look complex at first, but that’s just because I’m explaining every step in detail. I promise, once you read through the recipe, it’ll be a breeze to make. There are three key steps: the salsa, the filling, and the tacos.

The Salsa

Salsa comes from the Spanish word “salsa” which is Spanish for salsa. And of course, salsa comes from the Latin “salsus”, which means salted. So our salsa for these cheap and easy White Truffle Sea Urchin Tacos will be salt-based.

For our salsa, we’ll need the following ingredients.

  • 36 sea urchin tongues
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons of pink Himalayan sugar
  • 3 canned chipotle chiles, minced
  • 1-2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
  • 1 shallot
  • 1 pound of Celtic Sea Salt

I don’t know about you, but I always have these ingredients on hand, so no trip to the grocery store for me! That said, this recipe is flexible if your pantry is bare. Just be sure to follow the YSAC’s RGOGSH salsa method if you can’t follow the recipe exactly.

To make your salsa, chop your shallot finely. Then, place the shallot in a bowl with your sea urchin tongues, pink Himalayan sugar, chipotle chiles, lime juice, and salt. Use two forks to mash all the ingredients together into a gelatinous paste.

The Filling

Everyone knows the best part of a taco is the filling. But what can you do when takeout tacos are filled with mystery meat and unhealthiness? I make my own6And so can you!. Not only do I know that there’s no industrial pink slime in my taco filling, I get to have as much of the holy grail of super foods as I want in my taco.

That’s right. The most wonderful food in the world is actually a large berry, not a fruit or a vegetable. In some locations, the avocado is referred to as the alligator pear, as its skin resembles that of the American alligator and its shape mirrors that of the tears of millennials who can’t afford housing because of the overwhelming student loan debt crisis in this country — a problem that has reached historic proportions — and definitely not because we like to spread some avocado on our breakfast toast7No, but seriously. If you’re not a millennial and you’re blaming your failing industry on millennials not spending money when we’re burdened under fucktons of debt that you never had to deal with, you should really learn how data works..

Wait. What was I talking about?

Right. If you need this recipe to be gluten-free, use gluten-free avocados. Otherwise, use the following ingredients.

  • 1 Hass avocado
  • 1 lamb Hass avocado
  • 1 Pinkerton avocado
  • 1 bacon avocado
  • 1 fuerte avocado
  • 1 Gwen a-v-o-c-a-d-o
  • 1 Reed avocado
  • 1 Zutano avocado
  • Gray salt, to taste

You might think that we need more ingredients in the filling, but I assure you that eight types of avocado is plenty. And even though gray salt is something that’s in everyone’s pantry, you don’t need much! Remember: your salsa is salt-based. It’s about balancing the delicate flavors of this dish. If you must add a little color to this filling — and believe me, you don’t need to — just buy an extra avocado and leave it out to brown a little bit before adding it to the filling.

I would go through how to cut, pit, and combine these avocados, but if you’re reading a recipe on the internet, you had to peel an avocado with dental floss to sign into this blog. I know you know how! I would never talk down to my readers about something they already know.

Just one step left. It’s time for the tacos.

The Tacos

Before we start, I know what you’re thinking! I really do! I was once like you. I heard the word taco and immediately assumed I could just pile whatever food on top of a soft or hard tortilla shell. How naive was I back then?

Here’s the thing. A taco, whether it’s encased in a soft, warm, flour tortilla, or a crunchy, crispy, corn shell is not just about the vessel that transports food to your mouth. It’s about the entire experience that goes along with the salsa and the filling! It’s about the fresh, farm-to-table farmer’s market vegetables that you put on top of your delicious avocados! It’s about the happiness that your family will derive from the fact that you’re helping them live longer, healthier lives from your cooking!

Also, if you don’t hand make your own blue corn tortillas, you’re disgracing your family’s stomachs.

I get it though. Not everyone has time to make a wholesome, delicious dinner for their family! We all have busy lives. I can make these mortar-and-pestle ground corn tortillas in 20 minutes. If that’s too much time, preservative-filled flour tortillas will have to do. I’ll even write the recipe for it.

  • 48 sea urchin tongues, cautiously cubed
  • 1/2 medium Spanish red onion, meticulously minced
  • 83 cilantro leaves, delicately diced
  • 2 limes, judiciously juiced
  • gold leaf, awaiting application
  • 12-18 tortillas, wonderfully warmed and welcoming8Sorry, the Marvel universe started writing these instructions for a while.
  • 3 white truffles, untouched until you’re ready to serve, you uncouth heathen

If you do have the time to make the wonderful blue corn tortillas, you can get the recipe for free if you donate to my Paetron.

The Assembly

Finally, we’ve reached the moment of truth! It’s time to make your taco. It’s as simple as these steps.

  1. Lay a warm tortilla out on a pre-heated serving plate.
  2. Place a loving spoonful of your guacamole filling on each tortilla.
  3. Add a layer of the cubed sea urchin tongues.
  4. Place another loving spoonful of your guacamole filling on each tortilla.
  5. Season with red onion, cilantro, lime juice, and gold leaf to taste.
  6. Add 1-2 spoonfuls of your salsa.
  7. Shave 2-3 paper-thin slices of white truffle onto each taco.

That’s it! If you loved this recipe, be sure to Instagram how it looked once you made it!


Note: The style of this post is based off of home cook recipe I’ve ever come across. The recipe in this parody post is loosely based off of this recipe from Food Republic. Except not exactly. Partly because parody. But also partly because everyone except me is apparently obsessed with avocado. Avocado? How about Avocad-no.

What Your Favorite Type of Pie Says About You

I love pie. Pie is everything cake wants to be without all of the disappointment of being terrible 30 minutes after you cut it. When people ask me what kind of cake I want for my birthday, I say ice cream cake. But when they tell me ice cream cake is too expensive, I say I want pie. And because my birthday is close to Thanksgiving, nearly every year someone obliges.

Everyone has their own favorite kind of pie. I’m a fan of pecan myself. But did you know that your favorite pie can tell other people a lot about you9It can’t.?

It can’t10Nope.?

You’re saying I’m just using Buzzfeed-like listicle science to get you to keep reading11Yes. Stop it, Tim. You’re better than this.?

Have you had pie12Well, yes. But that’s not the point.?

Well then come along on a journey wherein I help you learn what your favorite kind of pie says about you13Goddammit..

Cherry Pie

You’re a simple person who enjoys simple pleasures. You love how a warm, flaky, buttery crust tastes when it’s pressed up against tart cherries encased in a sweet, sticky sauce. You also giggle when someone mentions pie because you listened to too much Warrant and wanted to sample the People’s Strudel. You’re straightforward, yet complex. Just like this classic pie.

Pecan Pie

You love Thanksgiving and you’re not ashamed to admit it. In fact, you’re so unashamed of your love for Thanksgiving that you’re more than willing to tell your dentist that the reason your temporary crown broke for the third time in six weeks is because you managed to get your hands on a pecan pie not only for your birthday, but also for Thanksgiving. Black Friday visits to the dentist are so fun. Wait. What was I talking about again?

Rhubarb Pie

You’ve been lost in the wilderness for 16 years and are trying to readjust to society. As someone who has been in society for the last 16 years, I can promise you’re better off not knowing what’s going on out here.

Lemon Meringue Pie

On the outside, you’ve got a bubbly, airy personality. People want to be you because you look like you have the most glamorous life. On the inside, you’re a mess of all the ingredients that went into making your what you are today — and you’re not sure if the sum of all the parts is better than the ingredients by themselves. On the plus side, you’re awesome at making small children cry.

Apple Pie

You’re an American and you love your country. You want nothing more than baseball, Coca-Cola, and a hot dog after a long day at the business factory. Like America, your pie could be improved by being Dutch. And even if you know there could be better alternatives out there to your hobbies or favorite pie, you stick with what you know. Because you dislike change. And the Dutch.

Pumpkin Pie

Your favorite pie is Cool Whip.

Banana Cream Pie

You’re health conscious, but you love to indulge from time to time. You want to find the best of both worlds between taste and restraint. You want to integrate more fruit into your diet, but you hate the texture of berries and the smell of citrus fruit. You own stock in Nilla Wafers and loved Bananas in Pajamas. Above all, you’re confused why some pies have top crusts.

Key Lime Pie

You like your coffee black, your chili spicy, and your beer ice cold. If food could punch you in the face, you’d welcome it with open arms, then suplex it the fuck over your head for trying. One day, you plan to retire to a small fishing village in Spain where you can harpoon your own octopus for breakfast. You’re also very confused why anyone would waste a lime on tequila when there’s pie to make.

Pot Pie

You’re not a fan of sweet food, but are smart enough to know rhubarb tastes like a leather sandal in a slimy mud puddle feels. You may have your preferences to filling — be it chicken, turkey, veggies, or beef — but you just want the sugar kept as far away as possible. You think a tomato is a vegetable and will politely debate anyone who thinks otherwise. Your middle child is named Gravy.

Empanadas

You like pie but don’t own a fork or spoon. Either that or the business factory made your life very stressful and you have to eat your lunch at your desk. I should really look into getting some empanadas for work.

Peach Pie

You love everything about peaches except for the fuzzy outer skin. At birthday parties, you’re the person who walks up to the magician after their show and tries to show them your magic tricks. You have a Super Mario Brothers fetish, but only a little bit. Your iPhone actively suggests the peach emoji to you when you type butt.

W(h)oopie Pie

You don’t understand what pie is. Please reload your page and try again14To those unfamiliar with woopie pie, it’s essentially two pieces of cake and some icing or marshmallow fluff made into a sandwich. It’s a cake..

Moravian Chicken Pie

While your brother/sister/cousin named their middle child Gravy, you were busy going to culinary school and getting your degree in saucery. You don’t think of gravy as a topping for mashed potatoes, but an art form meant to be shared with all of humanity. You’re likely from North Carolina and have never left the state. Colonel Sanders once sued your grandmother.

Flan

Okay…that’s neither a pie nor a tart…but it’s part of the same pastry family. So…sure. Why not. Flan’s delicious. Your blood alcohol content is 65% caramel color. House eggings upset you because it’s a waste of good food. You spent one semester in Spain and now all of your friends want to kill you in your sleep because you keep pronouncing Zaragoza with a ‘th’ in it.

Pi

Okay, smart ass.

Pinkie Pie

I mean, probably best pony15The Great and Powerful Trixie is also an acceptable answer here.. But not pie.

Pizza Pie

Again, not a pie.

Cookie Cake Pie

Now you’re just listing three desserts in a row to see if I’ll buy it16This is actually a pie. I’m just as shocked as you are. But I’ve never had it, so I can’t comment..

Cheesecake

No. Wait…actually, that is a tart, so that works. You consider yourself to be so adventurous, but have bought the same brand of white bread for 37 years. You’re really into telling people that you’re Taurus-Gemini Cusp any time the month of May comes up in conversation. Your favorite alcohol is rubbing and your favorite dehumidifier setting is Sahara. The best way to eat ice cream to you is to pick all of the chunks out and to leave the creamy parts in the carton for everyone else.

Chess Pie

How are you even reading this? Your favorite pie is literally baked sugar and butter. Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing. But you can only have one piece every ten years or you’ll go into a coma. Chess pie is a family event because feeding one pie to your entire extended family is the only way to avoid mass casualties. The bottle of corn syrup you’re hallucinating is telling you to chill the fuck out with the sugar.

Blueberry Pie

You’re just happy to be included.

The Definitive (Read: Completely Subjective) Halloween Candy Rankings

I love sugar. It’s my friend. If I could survive and be properly nourished by ice cream, brownies, and chocolate milk, I would be. But alas, sugar is bad for you. Or something.

Yet despite that known fact that copious amounts of sugar are not great for humans, we’re about to reach the biggest candy day of the year[1]. Halloween is next Monday, which means that children — and adults — everywhere are about to begin a sugar filled binge that last until approximately Nicolas Cage’s birthday.

While I’m an adult who has the fortunate position where I can go to the store and purchase my own candy freely at Halloween, I was not so lucky as a kid. I didn’t go trick or treating for the first time until I was 12, meaning I only got two years to experience the joy of ignoring the “don’t take candy from strangers” rule for one night a year. On top of that, the people in my hometown weren’t very good at giving out quality candy.

That’s why I’m making this list. There are a lot of lists on the internet telling you that one candy is better than another. And while some of those thoughts are good[2], others promote terrible candies that I found myself giving to any family member who would take them.

Instead of doing a lengthy list of individually ranked candies, I’ve divided candies into groups. Each of these candy groups has a target audience. If you’re passing out candy, know what group you want to belong to and purchase candy accordingly.

The “I’m Buying Candy I Like, But Don’t Want Any of It Around to Tempt Me” Candies

Examples: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Take 5

If you’re buying from this group, you’re probably picking an occasional treat out of the bag throughout the night to eat if for yourself. That said, when you tell the neighborhood kids that they can have two if they want, they’ll actually take two.

Tiny Candies In Tiny Packaging

Examples: M&Ms (all kinds), Skittles, Bottle Caps, Pez, Nerds

Similar to the previous category, these candies will be quickly picked up by whatever grubby little hands are showing up at your door. Just one word of caution if you’ve got leftovers. You’ll be finding trash from any of these candies in various corners of your house for months after Halloween. If you’re okay with that, go for it.

You’re Buying For Your Kid Who Doesn’t Like Normal Candy

Examples: Dots, Good and Plenty, Fireballs, Warheads, Charleston Chew

Read: All the candies I hoped to get every Halloween. With the exception of Warheads, I know most of these candies are hated, But I didn’t want anything out of the top two groups as a kid. While I’ll eat most of them now, there’s still a soft spot in my stomach for a box or two of Dots at Halloween. Plus, they’re easy to come by. No one else wants them.

The Store Was Out Of Everything Else

Examples: Spree, York Peppermint Patties, Twizzlers/Red Vines, Pop Rocks, Fun Dip

You might be a bit hesitant to purchase these candies when you walk into Walmart at 4pm on Halloween and see a desolate candy aisle with only these options left. The thing is, you’re not doing too bad for yourself. No one else bought these things. Every kids likes each of the items on the list enough to have one of them in a year[3]. You could have done worse.

You Think You Know What Kids Like, But You Really Don’t

Examples: Jolly Rancher, Starburst, literally anything with a Tootsie Roll in it, Airheads, Sixlets

Look. I get it. Jolly Ranchers are classics. Starburst has great marketing. The Tootsie Pop was huge at the same time Sonny and Cher were. Same goes for Airheads for that six month span when Hanson mattered. If your trick or treaters are adults[4], you’ve got a decent collection of candies. For kids and their pickier palates, avoid these candies. Also, if you’re buying Sixlets, don’t. Just spend the extra dollar and get a similar sized bag of M&Ms.

You Want To Buy Candy People Say They Like But Actually Don’t

Examples: Nestle Crunch, Twix, Pixy Stix, Smarties (American version), SweetTarts

Walk up to nearly anyone and ask them if they like any of the five candies stated above. They’ll say yes to at least three out of the five, if not all five. Then give them one. That candy will sit on their kitchen counter for six months, then get thrown out during the bi-yearly purging of the fridge.

You Got Lost On the Way Out of the Store and Just Grabbed the First Thing You Saw

Examples: Any gum, Cow Tales, Circus Peanuts,  Candy Cigarettes, Mallo Cups

Why are you doing your Halloween candy shopping in a rural Ohio gas station at 2am in 2004? Leave me those Mallo Cups and get out of here[5].

You’re A Dentist, A Lawyer, or Allergic To Everything

Example: Toothbrushes

Sure. Remind me that I’m going to have astronomical dental bills all throughout my twenties because I saw the dentist one time between birth and age 20. See if I care.

You’re My Mom

Examples: There are none. Halloween is the Devil’s holiday and an abomination unto the Lord.

[6]

You’re An Asshole

Example: Zero Bars

Fuck off.

A Childhood Song Analysis

Shortly before my wedding, I was hard at work getting my lunch ready to take with me to work. On this particular day, I was making a batch of soup beans to go with ham and cornbread((I’ll share the recipe in another post if people are interested, but it’s one of the easiest things to make ever.)) when a childhood diddy got stuck in my head. By now, I’m sure most of you already know which song I’m talking about, however if not, here it is in its entirety.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
So let’s eat beans for every meal!

I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself a little bit when I realized what song was going through my head. I was instantly transported back to late elementary school when my cousins and I would sing said song while camping with my grandparents, as there was typically a significant amount of soup beans made on the trip. But then adult me realized that something wasn’t right with the song. For that matter, there are quite a few childhood songs that leave some major gaps in their storytelling — or worse, have inaccurate information. I’m here today to help clean that up.

Beans, Beans, The Musical Fruit

Let’s start right away with the beans song mentioned above. Surprisingly, the first line is not the line I take issue with. After all, according to the Mayo Clinic, beans are a fruit, just like corn, avocado, pea pods, and nuts. That’s right. Technically speaking, when you’re eating a handful of almonds, you’re eating fruit. To me, intelligence is understanding that tomatoes, beans, and nuts are fruits, but wisdom is realizing that they belong nowhere near a fruit salad.

I’m also not going to dispute the natural ability of beans to induce flatulence on those who consume them. I mean, this song has its own Wikipedia page for heaven sakes. No, my issue is with the final line of the song. I am certainly not the type of person who believes that foods have set times of day you must eat them. I’m a strong believer that you can have ice cream for breakfast, pancakes for lunch, and cold cereal for dinner, and you’ll be a champion at adulting for it. That said, if there’s one food that really doesn’t sound appealing in the morning, it’s beans. I’ll take my traditional breakfast of a root beer float with a side of strawberries and call it a day.

K-I-SS-I-N-G

Our second song is a derisive playground song typically directed at any weird/nerdy kid who has an interest of a member of the opposite sex. The song goes something like this.

Eric and Amy((Obviously the names of the two parties in question will replace the names of Eric and Amy.)), sittin’ in a tree
K-I-SS-I-N-G

First comes love
Second comes marriage
The comes baby in a baby carriage

I can recall to this day the first time I heard this song jeered at me. It was third grade, late in the year. I had barely talked to anyone for most of the year, and had just started making friends a couple of months prior. My first female friend was a girl named Ashley who would play football at recess with me and a few of our friends. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she had a crush on me. In addition to this, neither of us were particularly popular. It was only a matter of time before a couple of popular kids in our homeroom would sing this at us at recess. It was extremely annoying.

That said, the song has a lot of errors. First and foremost, it has a very pro-religious slant by assuming that love and marriage must come before having a baby. I’ve met a few people((including potentially a member of my immediate family, depending on whose story you believe.)) who got married because there was a baby and a baby carriage on the way. Furthermore, what if the married couple doesn’t want kids? What if they’re only getting married so that one person can get a green card and move to a country with new opportunities? What if it’s an arranged marriage? I have so many questions.

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring

Finally, let’s take a look at a song that predates my elementary school time, though I can certainly imagine it being sang in pre-K/kindergarten classrooms.

It’s raining, it’s pouring
The old man is snoring
He went to bed
And bumped his head
And couldn’t get up in the morning

First of all, fuck limericks.

Secondly, I didn’t realize this as the time as a child, but this song is terribly morbid. I mean, I have to believe that the old man in this song is dead. Not only that, but no one knows about his death until the morning after. Let’s look at the facts here.

  • At one point in time, the man is alive, as evidenced by the fact that it’s snoring.
  • Likewise, he’s elderly. That may not seem important, but stay with me here.
  • It’s raining outside…quite heavily as indicated by the usage of the word pouring.
  • We know that the man suffered some sort of head trauma either in his sleep or as he went to bed.
  • It’s unclear what the specific trauma was or who caused it. We’re left to presume it’s accidental.
  • The trauma is serious enough to cause the man not to be able to rise from his bed in the morning.

It’s possible that said trauma is paralysis, however since the fact that the old man couldn’t get up is where the song ends, I’m lead to believe he has died. That said, how didn’t his family hear him hit his head? On one hand, the bumping of the old man’s head could easily be muffled out by the rain outside, however I have a different opinion. Since the song itself is not found in books prior to the 1930s, I have to believe that the family let the old man die so they wouldn’t have to feed another mouth admist the Great Depression.

Not going to want to sing that song to your kids anymore, are you?