The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Play Through Ever: Chapters 1 and 2

The following post is part of my series “The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Playthrough Ever”. Spoilers ahead for a six year old game.


Welcome back to the worst Fire Emblem Awakening play through ever. When we last left Chrom, Christopher Robin, and the rest of the Shepherds, they were busy saving a burning village from a man with an axe and a match. We’ve learned that Chrom is a prince and his home kingdom, Ylisse, is at war with its neighbor, Plegia.

In this post, we’ll be going through chapters 1 and 2 of the game. Pretty much everything through chapter 4 is — like last post’s chapters — a glorified tutorial, so we’re going to somewhat breeze through these chapters while still giving the shitty text play through you’ll come to know and love.

Chapter 1: Unwelcome Change

Chrom, Lissa, Frederick, and Christopher are venturing down a dark road when Lissa realizes a change to an insect based diet might give us more protein, but at a terrible cost. The group clears a campsite with limited background objects, a la RWBY season 1, wherein Frederick feeds everyone but Lissa bear meat, all while being smart enough not to eat it himself. The group dozes off, only for Chrom and Lissa to wake up and realize THE WHOLE GODDAMN FOREST IS EXPLODING. A cut scene from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood drops in and Chrom and Lissa are attacked by extras from The Walking Dead. A masked figure who in no way will be central to the story’s plot saves Lissa’s life, beginning the chapter itself (though our masked friend is no where to be found).

We learn that the zombies are called Risen and we’re going to have to kill them to get out of Smokey the Bear’s worst nightmare. Fortunately, we can hole up some of our units in conveniently placed forts that would totally be in a forest in any other situation besides learning the game. Chrom finds a fancy staff that Lissa will be able to use later in the game as our first turn ends.

Our second turn begins with the introduction of two new characters. The first is Sully, a woman who fights better than any man and speaks like an angry white pensioner from Tennessee. She’s quickly followed by Virion, a shitty ladies’ man wannabe who we’ll be benching as soon as I can select units because good fucking god he’s annoying. Sure, he’s not as annoying as Azama in Fire Emblem: Birthright, but he’s also not as useful. Virion tries to flirt with Sully, only to get shut down faster than a sixteen year old’s internet browser when their parents walk in to him watching porn. And yet, this dialogue still goes on for way too long.

Sully, Chrom, and Christopher do some zombie slaying, while Frederick hits a Risen archer so hard with a critical hit that he’s demoted to a bit part in World War Z. We don’t get the best critical hit line in the game on this hit, but when we do, you can bet your ass I’ll be showing a video of it. Lissa gains some XP solely by stepping on a shiny space, making the grind of leveling up a healer slightly less painful. As was the case in the last chapter, we’re going to let Frederick kill the boss, because I like watching the heads of Fire Emblem purists explode for giving kills to The Jagen of this story.

The chapter ends with Zorro — who is clearly a girl — being referred to by everyone as sir and insisting they be called Marth. Even though Fire Emblem is progressive as a game series, something tells me this isn’t a matter of gender identification and instead may lead us to a plot twist. Marth gives a warning that the world is about to go to shit before walking off into the still burning forest all dark and brooding like.

We arrive at the Ylissian capital of Ylisstol where the peasants walking around the streets are unaware of the fire just outside of the city. Chrom’s older sister, Emmeryn, begins walking through the streets. Considering she’s both the leader of a nation and a spiritual leader, you’d think she’d be in an armored car like the Pope. Instead, she’s just walking around with the equivalent of the medieval Secret Service at her side. Christopher finally makes the connection that Chrom and Lissa are royalty.

Chrom introduces Christopher to Emmeryn, both he and Lissa praising Christopher’s help. Frederick says that Christopher could be a spy, but Emmeryn shrugs him off because this cut scene really needs to move along already. Chrom runs off to join Emmeryn at a council of leaders, mercifully ending my endless mashing of the A button.

Chapter 2: Shepherds

We’ve unlocked Support Conversations, but have none to do at this point. In future posts, I’ll have a section of the post dedicated to that feature, for reasons that’ll become clear when we get there1Spoiler: I’ve already called this Fire Emblem: Shipping Simulator once.. That said, we’re not going to dive into the support conversations in great detail, as I don’t want to permanently scare off all my readers.

We start chapter two with Lissa in a room with a bunch of people we haven’t met yet, telling Christopher to feel comfortable around strangers. I personally find this strange, but our amnesiac friend clearly hasn’t forgotten how to make small talk with strangers. Rarity from My Little Pony is here, only her name is Maribelle and you will quickly learn that we’ve been sent the Equestria Girls version, not the Friendship is Magic version. We’re also introduced to Vaike, who has the IQ of a bag of hammers, and Sumia, who nearly everyone hates despite the fact that Intelligent Systems basically preordains her to be Chrom’s wife. Sumia is the stereotypical horse-loving country girl from a romance novel, only she doesn’t speak like it. It’s very confusing, but will come in useful down the road for about three seconds. Vaike burps.

Chrom enters the scene and Sumia tries to run toward him, only to fall flat on her face. Chrom then asks if Sumia has tripped and fallen again because of her boots, which would make total sense if any character in Awakening actually had feet. Seriously. Look at this shit.

Image courtesy @AustinEruption on Twitter

We’re off to Regna Ferox, which is another kingdom that isn’t Ylisse or Plegia. Everyone’s excited to go on this trip, as is an empty suit of armor that begins talking and is promptly ignored by everyone. The suit of armor is apparently named Kellam, which is weird, because his name should be Alphonse or John Cena.

After even more talking, we leave the bunkhouse and are introduced to Stahl, who is a fat man in a skinny man’s body. Vaike has forgotten his axe because he’d forget his own head if it weren’t attached. Frederick teaches us about the game’s weapon triangle, which is basically rock paper scissors for 14th century warfare. Our first turn is spent baiting out some of the forward enemies while we wait on the Shepherd’s mage, Miriel, to bring Vaike his axe. We have to waste an entire turn on her giving him his axe, which is extra annoying because Miriel is already squishy and underleveled compared to the rest of the team. Lissa starts going around healing people because I’m going to get tired of her not being able to attack pretty soon.

We advance on the bridge in the middle of the map, only for Frederick to talk about the auto battle feature that I’ve never once used. I’d genuinely forgotten it’s in the game. We bait some more enemies out with Sully and Christopher, Chrom and Stahl kill some people, and Vaike get swole from some XP laying on the ground. Risen go down quickly and easily and, as is tradition at this point, we let Frederick kill the boss. Just kidding. Stahl actually gets the kill this time.

The chapter finishes up with a cut scene with Chrom, Lissa, and Christopher encountering a pegasus. It’s angry, but Sumia is there to calm it down because of course she is. Sumia falls on her face yet again for reasons that still don’t make sense when you take science or logic into consideration.

End of Level Recap

  • Christopher – Level 4 Tactician
  • Lissa – Level 4 Cleric
  • Vaike – Level 4 Fighter
  • Sully – Level 3 Cavalier
  • Stahl – Level 3 Cavalier
  • Chrom – Level 2 Lord
  • Virion – Level 2 Archer
  • Frederick – Level 1 Great Knight
  • Miriel – Level 1 Mage

My Pokemon Gym: Ice

A couple of months ago, I wrote a blog post where I shared what my Pokemon gym would be if I were the gym leader of a Fighting type gym. As I mentioned in that post, Fighting isn’t a type that’s particularly high on my list of types I like, though I did want to write the post at the request of one of my blog followers. With my birthday coming up later this month, I wanted to take the opportunity to revisit this gym concept, only this time looking at my favorite Pokemon type. That type would be Ice type Pokemon.

Ice type Pokemon are a much maligned type in the Pokemon universe. While it’s a great attacking type, dealing super effective damage to some of the most frightening offensive types, Ice types are defensive liabilities. Defensively, Ice types are weak to Fire, Fighting, Rock, and Steel Pokemon, nearly all of which feature on most common Pokemon teams in some capacity. This is what makes trainers like Lorelei, Wulfric, and Candice much easier to battle than other gym leaders or Elite Four members. Even with that in mind, my goal is to do my best to represent my favorite Pokemon typing well as a gym leader for it.

As I’ve done on previous Pokemon team/gym style posts, I’ll be sharing the six Pokemon on my team, along with their held items and moves. I’ll also be giving a little additional background into why I’ve chosen each of these Pokemon. I won’t be using legendary Pokemon on my team, despite the fact that the very first Ice type I loved is the original Ice type legendary, Articuno. I’ve tried to limit the number of Pokemon I’ve taken from any single generation, however, since Ice types have a fairly limited pool to pull from — and many of those Pokemon get evolutions in later generations randomly — I have a team that’s largely comprised of Gen I and Gen IV Pokemon.

Alolan Ninetales

Alolan Ninetales courtesy Bulbapedia

One of the critical components of getting any Ice type team to work is setting up Hail for sake of Aurora Veil and residual damage. Enter Alolan Ninetales, which combines both of these into one easy package. I chose to make Alolan Ninetales my lead Pokemon rather than my ace for this reason, as its primary purpose is to protect the rest of my team the best it can. I really wish I had five move slots on this set, as I’d love to run the Toxic/Hex combo that amuses me so much. But alas, that’s not Alolan Ninetales’ job with this set.

Ability: Snow Warning
Item: Icy Rock
Moves: Aurora Veil, Mist, Blizzard, Toxic

Lapras

Lapras courtesy Bulbapedia

Because Ice types have so many weaknesses, part of my strategy as a leader is that I need to have specific counters to those weaknesses. This means that as much as I wanted to bring Cloyster on the team, Lapras is the much smarter choice as my anti-Fire counter. Lapras can be a shockingly good mixed attacker with the right moveset, though I’ve chosen to boost its survivability over attacking power, as it is one of the bulkier creatures on my team.

Ability: Shell Armor
Item: Assault Vest
Moves: Whirlpool, Perish Song, Curse, Protect

Froslass

Froslass courtesy Bulbapedia

Can you tell I like troll-y Ice type Pokemon? Between a screen setting Ninetales, a trapping Perish Song Lapras, and now the queen of Destiny Bond in Froslass, my first three Pokemon on this list are meant to take out major threats to the three Pokemon that end this list. I’ve used Froslass as a lead when I’ve battled online, however her purpose on this team is to cripple the other team’s hard hitters, as well as to take them out with self-sacrifice if needed.

Ability: Cursed Body
Item: Focus Sash
Moves: Destiny Bond, Confuse Ray, Will-O-Wisp, Ominous Wind

Weavile

Weavile courtesy Bulbapedia

And thus begins the hard hitters of my team. Weavile hopes that any Fighting Pokemon are dealt with before it comes in, however it’s set up to start wrecking the other team if that’s the case. As much as I want to justify using Pickpocket on Weavile, there’s no good reason to do so when Pressure exists. Not that anything will live long enough for Pressure to truly matter if all goes well.

Ability: Pressure
Item: Darkium-Z
Moves: Snatch, Icicle Crash, Bite, Dark Pulse

Mamoswine

Mamoswine courtesy Bulbapedia

While Weavile is meant to take advantage of its speed and flinching capabilities, Mamoswine is my glacier. Sure, it doesn’t move as fast as my other Pokemon2Though Mamoswine has shockingly good speed., but it’s going to hit like a truck when it does. I considered putting Mega Glalie in this spot to give me a mega Pokemon, but then I remembered how much I detest Glalie. So no.

Ability: Thick Fat
Item: Muscle Band
Moves: Thrash, Earthquake, Superpower, Avalanche

Jynx

Jynx courtesy Bulbapedia

My ace for this team is a much-maligned Pokemon that I’ve found I’m one of the few people who loves. Jynx is one of my favorite Pokemon to use, both in the mainline games and in Pokemon Go. Yes, it has horribly frail defenses, but the hope is that most of its threats are taken out early by the first few Pokemon on my team — or by Weavile and Mamoswine if not. While I was tempted to do a full kiss moves team with Jynx3As it can learn Draining Kiss, Lovely Kiss, and Sweet Kiss., only one of those made my final moveset. Jynx is oblivious to your team’s wiles, and is the anchor of my Ice type gym because of it.

Ability: Oblivious
Item: Wide Lens
Moves: Lovely Kiss, Blizzard, Dream Eater, Hyper Voice

10 New Mega Evolutions I Want to See on Pokemon Switch

The hype train for Pokemon Switch keeps chugging along. Seriously. Go on YouTube and look at nearly any PokeTuber’s channel. It’s all a lot of people want to talk about. And why wouldn’t fans of the game want to speculate about it? Between the 2017 E3 Nintendo Direct mentioning that Nintendo has a core Pokemon game in development for Switch, the announcement of a new Pokemon as part of the Let’s Go Eevee/Let’s Go Pikachu releases, as well as various other sources reporting a release date of mid-2019 for a core series game, there’s reason to get excited.

One of the more recently introduced game mechanics that I believe will have a greater amount of usage in any Pokemon game on the Nintendo Switch is the concept of Mega Evolutions. There are currently 46 Pokemon capable of mega evolving, which is a particularly low number when considering that there are now 807 Pokemon in the game4I started writing this post thinking there were 806 Pokemon in the game. I’m glad I doublechecked. Apparently a new one got announced in April. Who knew?. In addition to expanding the usage of Z-moves that was introduced in Generation VII, I expect us to see some new Pokemon capable of mega evolution.

So, which Pokemon will we see mega evolutions for? I’ve created a list of 10 Pokemon I’d personally like to see get mega evolutions. For this post, I’ll share with you which ten Pokemon I’d most want to see get mega evolutions in a Pokemon game for the Nintendo Switch, a little information about how I imagine the new evolution playing out, as well as why I want that specific Pokemon to get a mega evolution. All images are courtesy Bulbapedia.

Honorable mentions that missed the cut: Dragonite, Toucannon, Ledian5Yes, the king of garbage Pokemon would be a ridiculous Pokemon to consider for mega evolution. Yet…would it really be all that shocking?, Vikavolt, Delibird, Raichu6*insert tears from Pikachu fans here*, Gothitelle, and Parasect

10. Hawlucha

Mega evolutions were introduced in Gen VI of the Pokemon games. One of the game’s gym leaders, Korrina, knew the secrets behind mega evolutions, yet doesn’t carry a single mega evolving Pokemon in her main gym team. The best way to remedy that is to give one of Korrina’s signature Pokemon, Hawlucha, a mega evolution. Mega Hawlucha would remain a dual type Flying/Fighting Pokemon, but does pick up some additional Defense (20 points), Attack (30 points), and Speed (40 points)7Mega evolved Pokemon tend to gain around 90 points to their attributes overall, generally spread across 3 stats, not including HP. I’ll be using 90 points of gain as the standard amount for all Pokemon on this list.. Instead of retaining its Limber, Unburden, or Mold Breaker abilities, Mega Hawlucha would gain the Motor Drive ability, which would boost its formidable speed even further if it’s hit by an electric attack.

9. Gogoat

Our second (and final) Gen VI Pokemon on the list might be a bit unexpected, as Gogoat is not a particularly standout Pokemon in the game in terms of usage. With that said, its appearances in Super Smash Brothers for WiiU caused Gogoat to grow on me. Mega Gogoat would be our first type changing Pokemon on this list, going from a pure Grass type to a dual Grass/Fighting type, picking up a massive amount of additional Attack (50 points), as well as some Defense and Special Defense (20 points each). Mega Gogoat would also be the first Pokemon with the Grass-type version of Aerilate, turning its wide pool of hard-hitting Normal attacks into STAB-Grass attacks.

8. Fearow

I’d have to imagine that if there’s new mega Pokemon in Generation VIII, at least a handful of them will be from Gen I, particularly with Pokemon Let’s Go on the horizon. As such, I’m going to hope that Fearow gets a mega evolution. Fearow was one of the most underrated Pokemon in Gen I, particularly with how its speed stat combined with Drill Peck to abuse Red/Blue/Yellow’s broken critical hit mechanics. Mega Fearow pays homage to that, as its current hidden ability, Sniper, would become the mega’s ability. Most of Fearow’s growth as a mega would come in Attack (30 points) and Speed (45 points), but a small amount of growth in its Defense (15 points) would make it a slightly bulkier bird to battle. Fearow would retain its Normal/Flying typing as a mega evolution.

7. Mamoswine

With all the hype surrounding the pending8It was pending when I originally wrote this post. The post just got rescheduled a few times. announcement of Generation IV in Pokemon Go, I thought it’d be fitting to include two Pokemon from that Generation in this list. Mamoswine is a beast of a Pokemon, however it’s not the tank of a Pokemon that it looks like it would be. Yes, its Thick Fat ability removes two of its weaknesses, but it’s not a particularly good defensive Pokemon. Its Ice/Ground mega evolution would change that, as Mega Mamoswine would pair the Thick Fat ability with an additional 40 points in both its Defense and Special Defense, with a small boost going to its Attack (10 points) as well. It’s about time this woolly mammoth became a defensive behemoth in its own right.

6. Toxapex

I know what you’re thinking. Does Toxapex really need a mega evolution? It’s one of the best Generation VII Pokemon. And yes, I hear that argument. My counter argument to that is Rayquaza, Grodon, Kyogre, Salamance, Mewtwo, and Scizor. Just because a Pokemon is really good does not mean it shouldn’t get a mega evolution. Toxapex is the lone Gen VII entry on this list, but it’s one of the most standout Pokemon from Sun and Moon, making it one of the most deserving of this spot9Apologies to Mimikyu, the Tapus, Salazzle, Toucannon, and Vikavolt, the last two of which were the hardest debates.. Mega Toxapex would trade out its overpowered Merciless ability for an ability currently unique to Salazzle — Corrosion. Though Toxapex would retain its Poison/Water typing, its stats would see a small jump in Attack (10 points) to go along with massive jumps in its Special Defense (30 points) and Defense (50 points). That 202 base Defense stat would give Mega Toxapex the fifth highest Defense in the game, becoming a wall on the level of Shuckle, just with more power to hit back. More on that in a bit though.

5. Flygon

Allegedly Flygon was supposed to get a mega evolution in Generation VI, but didn’t due to artist’s block. As a writer, I’ve been there. That said, Flygon is overdue for a mega evolution. Despite its massive move pool, Mega Flygon would retain the original’s Dragon/Ground typing, along with its Levitate ability. Due to how overdue this mega evolution is, Mega Flygon becomes our only exception to the 90 point rule, getting an astounding 120 points spread out amongst its Speed (30 points), Attack (45 points), Special Attack (35 points), and Special Defense (10 points). It might be two generations too late, but Flygon would finally get the place it deserves along other mega evolutions, leaving another Dragon type Pokemon as the most asked for mega evolution10Sorry Dragonite fans. Your favorite Pokemon was one of my final two cuts from this list, along with Toucannon..

4. Mismagius

We now begin a two entry run on this list with Pokemon I personally love to use in the main games, and therefore would love to see get mega evolutions. We begin with Mismagius, who is my favorite Pokemon to use a Rest/Sleep Talk moveset with. Mismagius is already a great Special Attack Pokemon, so Mega Mismagius would see a natural furthering of that trait, with a 35 point boost to Special Attack, along with boosts to its Special Defense (30 points) and Speed (25 points). Mega Mismagius would see one of the more drastic changes of any one this list, both with an ability change from Levitate to a new ability similar to Thick Fat which reduces damage from Dark types, as well as a new dual typing of Ghost/Psychic. Yes, that would make Mega Mismagius four times weak to Ghost and Dark, but its ability is meant to mitigate some of that weakness.

3. Shuckle

The beauty of Shuckle is that it’s the most extreme stat Pokemon in the game, boasting the top non-legendary values in Defense and Special Defense, while having bottom five HP, Attack, Special Attack, and Speed stats. That begs the question…how could you make Shuckle even more of a stalling Pokemon? Mega Shuckle is the only Pokemon on this list to not get the full 90 points in stat boosts from its mega evolution, gaining a mere 40 points, split evenly between its Defense and Special Defense. That said, Mega Shuckle changes types from Bug/Rock to Bug/Steel and changes abilities to the Heatproof ability. This means that the only four times weakness Mega Shuckle would have suddenly becomes a regular weakness. Have fun killing Mega Shuckle, especially now that you can’t poison it.

2. Leavanny

Over the years, the Bug typing has gone from one of my least favorite types in the game to one that I actually really like. Yes, Bug has some terrible Pokemon in it, but it also has some really fun Pokemon. In my playthrough of Pokemon Black, one of my favorite Pokemon to use was Leavanny. It was a shockingly adept battler, thanks in part to the combination of Fell Stinger and Leaf Blade in its arsenal. Mega Leavanny remains a Bug/Grass dual type, but does get the Super Luck ability to help raise its critical hit rate, making it an even more dangerous offensive threat. Since Leavanny is losing the Chlorophyll ability as part of its mega evolution, the bulk of Mega Leavanny’s stat boosts go to its Speed stat (40 points), with the remainder going toward Attack (30 points), Defense (10 points), and Special Defense (10 points). With those boost, you might not even need Swords Dance or Fell Stinger on Mega Leavanny, but good luck if it gets the boost from either of them up.

1. Lapras

Finally, we come to the Generation I Pokemon that I feel has most deserved an evolution or mega evolution since its inception. Its bulk has always been its calling card, however Lapras’ ability to deal with Dragon types can’t be understated either. Mega Lapras retains its normal form’s Water Absorb ability, though its growths in Special Attack (45 points) and Special Defense (35 points) make those values the same for the first time since Generation I. The remaining points go into Mega Lapras’s Defense (20 points). Mega Lapras does retain its Ice typing, however thanks to its reputation as an anti-Dragon unit, Mega Lapras gets a type change from dual Water/Ice to Fairy/Ice, further solidifying its niche in that realm.

What do you think of the list? Which Pokemon do you most want to get a mega evolution? Let us know in the comments.

The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Play Through Ever: Premonition and Prologue

The following post is part of my series “The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Playthrough Ever”. Spoilers ahead for a six year old game.


Hi! If you’re here, you’re likely here for one of three reasons.

  1. You’re a new school Fire Emblem super fan and want to geek out about Awakening.
  2. You’re an old school Fire Emblem super fan and want to shit on Awakening.
  3. You’re looking for a walk through of Awakening and took a very wrong turn.11You could also be here for the shipping and shitposting. That’s fine.

Welcome to my play through of of Fire Emblem: Shipping Simulator…er…Awakening. We begin by creating our avatar unit for the game. I’m choosing to do this play through as the male version of the avatar as unlike in Birthright, you’re not essentially forced to play as one gender just to obtain all the child units.

The default name for your avatar is Robin, but that’s a last name, not a first name. And if our character’s last name is Robin, it’s clear his first name must be Christopher. I’m setting Christopher Robin’s asset12The stat that you get bonus growth to. to Resistance and his flaw13The stat that you have the weakest growth in. to Magic. Since Christopher is a tactician class, it might not make sense to limit our magic growth, but My Little Pony has taught me that friendship is magic. If Christopher develops enough friendship in the game, he’ll overcome his magical limitations and become the Princess of Friendship.

Once we save, we’re taking to our first chapter, Premonition.

Premonition

We’re treated to a cinematic cut scene of a blue-haired man who is clearly a protagonist and Christopher fighting Jafar from Aladdin’s spiky-haired brother. Following the cut scene, we learn the blue-haired man is named Chrom. Chrom is telling Christopher how this is their final battle. I really hope the chapter title is right about being a premonition, otherwise this game is going to be much shorter than I paid for.

Chrom and Christopher move towards dollar store Jafar (whose name is Validar), but he doesn’t attack our heroes. Whether it’s because he realizes he’s outnumbered two to one and he’s taking up defensive positions or if it’s because Premonition is a glorified tutorial mode is irrelevant. Validar clearly went to the Action Movie School of Bad Guy Strategy, which means none of the bullets from his gun can hit us. Also, because Fire Emblem uses medieval weaponry with magic as its combat tools, Validar’s guns are so bad at hitting us that they’re not even invented yet.

Our heroes advance on Validar, with Chrom dealing a strong blow with his signature weapon, Falchion. Validar rambles something about how we can’t change what’s already written, but he must not be aware of the invention of the erasable pen. Christopher deals a critical hit with a strong lightning magic attack, killing Validar and ending the level. Magic flaw, my ass.

We get another cut scene with Validar crumbling to the floor before exploding into a ball of gas. Chrom comes over to congratulate Christopher when — SHOCK AND SURPRISE — Christopher turns on Chrom and impales his intestines with what appears to be a literal lightning bolt. Chrom crumples to the ground dead and we get a save screen.

No. I don’t want to save this, Awakening. I’ve played three minutes and you’ve already killed off the main character. Just who in the hell do you think you are, Gurren Lagann?

Prologue

Nope. Just kidding. Chrom is back, this time with some girl with pigtails. Chrom helps a very unconscious Christopher Robin up off the ground, unaware that Christopher just gutted him like a fish moments ago. Chrom is concerned about the well-being of Christopher, but doesn’t seem to know him, confirming that everything we witnessed was, in fact, a dream. The theme song to St. Elsewhere briefly starts playing as the conversation continues.

Christopher introduces himself to Chrom. Well, sort of. It’s clear Christopher is now an amnesiac. Fortunately, Chrom’s cleric sister, Lissa, and his overly protective man-servant, Frederick, are here to help move the plot along and get us moving forward in the cut scene hell that is the first fifth of this game. Chrom and Frederick keep talking about Shepherds, yet there are not sheep around. Considering no one aside from Lissa has a staff and there’s not a sheep dog to be seen for miles, I’m confident Chrom’s true destiny is not as a farm hand.

Chrom and Christopher give some exposition to let the player know they’re in the Halidom of Ylisse which is ruled by Chrom’s older sister, the Exalt Emmeryn. Chrom explains he’s the leader of the Shepherds, which is actually a guardian group. Frederick is his protector and might be the most cautious person known to man. Lissa is also here.

Christopher suddenly remembers his name just in time for Lissa to notice a nearby town is on fire. Great. Christopher his replaced amnesia with pyrokinesis. At this rate, I won’t have to play the game at all, as my avatar is learning overpowered skills just by leveling up through cut scenes. Chrom decides saving the town is important or something, meaning we’re finally taken in to the actual level.

We begin the level by meeting a toothless man with face paint eye marks drawn on by a drunken eight-year-old. His name is Garrick and he wants to burn it down. Some village girl is crying and that’s enough for the blue-haired hero to say someone has to do som…

Wait. Lissa is the first to say someone should do something? Huh.

The level starts and Frederick tells everyone to be cautious, lest you get hurt. In older Fire Emblem games, permadeath was a very real, very terrifying prospect, but with the advancements in modern technology, Nintendo and Intelligent Systems finally designed a turn-based video game that’s more forgiving to someone who doesn’t have the time to invest 400 hours into a video game. Chrom notices Christopher wielding a tome and — instead of having ‘Nam-like flashbacks — decides to encourage him to kill bad guys with it. But since Christopher is only level one, he can only use Thundershock and Tail Whip, meaning it won’t be a one-turn knockout, even on simple baddies. Lissa teaches us how healing works because this is also a tutorial level and our first turn ends.

Our second turn begins with Chrom telling Christopher that he should heal any wounds he has. This is because Chrom has no sense of adventure. So Lissa heals him just to shut him up. Frederick steps on something sparkly and suddenly becomes better at using his weapons. We get more tutorial nonsense as our units move across the map — an action taken slowly because healers like Lissa take far too long to level up in the early game. Chrom doesn’t want me to rush into danger, however I’m being so deliberate in my movements that I never bothered to tell you we’re actually on the fourth turn now and even Frederick thinks we should pick up the pace. This means it’s time for a lightning round.

Lissa heals Frederick. Christopher Robin assumes a defensive position by Chrom. Everyone waits. Christopher kills a guy with lightning. Er. Thunder. It’s basically a lightning round.

Finally, our protagonists advance on Garrick, who is too busy playing with fire to notice we’ve killed his troops. Frederick steps on something else shiny and gains XP. Some people will tell you this is the only useful way to give Frederick XP and those people might be correct. But this play through isn’t being led by our brains. So I let Frederick kill Garrick just to make the lone person who played Thracia 776 who is still reading this slam their laptop shut. The level mercifully ends, but now we have to listen to more expositional talking.

Chrom accepts Christopher into the Shepherds. Frederick is wary, but Chrom is smitten. We get a true cut scene where our heroes stare at a church that’s still smoking, but doesn’t have flames coming out of the windows anymore. I’m very confused how this fire works, as the church seems to be significantly less damaged than when we first saw it.

We get some backstory about how Ylisse is constantly sparring with its neighbor, Plegia. It’s not a war according to Chrom, it’s a police action. Frederick insists they get a move on and Lissa has to be restrained from calling him a poophead.

End of Level Recap

  • Christopher – Level 2 Tactician
  • Lissa – Level 2 Cleric
  • Chrom – Level 1 Lord
  • Frederick – Level 1 Great Knight

Pokemon Who Can’t Learn Obvious Moves

Pokemon has some weird game mechanics at times. Between the natural level up process, TMs and HMs, move tutors, and breeding, most Pokemon have a bevy of moves at their disposal. Sometimes, this means that a Pokemon can learn a move that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, like Kantonian Raticate learning Icy Wind or Flame Wheel14Kantonian Raticate is the poster child for this phenomenon, and that’s not even taking into account that it learns Jump Kick in the anime. That’s a move that actual makes some form of sense.. Sometimes, a Pokemon’s entire gimmick is the breadth of the movepool it can learn, such as Clefairy or Delcatty15Or, if you want the most extreme case, Mew..

That said despite all of the flexibility in ways that a Pokemon can learn moves, there’s still some glaring misses for logical moves that Pokemon should be able to learn. A glaring example of this that was fixed in Generation VII was the fact that Luvdisc — the heart shaped Pokemon — wasn’t able to learn Heart Stamp until the release of Sun and Moon16It still can’t learn Heart Swap, but this is progress.. While this omission has been resolved, there’s still quite a few missing move pairings that haven’t been addressed. This blog post will take a look at a few of those Pokemon and move matchup that Game Freak has overlooked through seven generations of the game.

Are there any moves and Pokemon pairings that I missed? Be sure to share them in the comments. All images are credited to Bulbapedia.

Growlithe

Let’s begin with one of the two Pokemon that inspired this post idea. Growlithe, a Pokemon that has been around since the original generation of the game, has never been able to learn the move Growl. The puppy Pokemon. The one with growl as the first five letters of its name. It can’t learn Growl. Togepi, the least intimidating Pokemon in existence, has been able to learn it since Generation II. Yet Growlithe cannot.

Everyone good on the premise of this list now? Good. Let’s get into some of the progressively weirder examples.

Mew

If you’re one of the people who actually reads my footnotes, you might have noticed that I mentioned Mew as being the most extreme case of a Pokemon whose entire gimmick is its movepool. Notice how I didn’t say it can learn every move in the game. That has never been its exact role. In Generations I and II, Mew was capable of learning all of its level up moves, as well as every TM, HM, and move tutor move in the game17Since Mew is a Pokemon that cannot be bred, it can’t learn any moves via breeding.. But beginning in Generation III, Mew can no longer learn every move tutor move, as it is locked out of the three starter-only moves, Frenzy Plant, Blast Burn, and Hydro Cannon. As of Generation VII, there are now ten moves that Mew can’t learn via move tutor. Since many of those moves are signature moves for certain Pokemon, it makes sense to limit them from most Pokemon. But not Mew. I want Dragon Ascent Mew, dammit.

Jigglypuff

When you think of Jigglypuff, what comes to mind? Is it the singing one that follows Ash and his gang around in the anime, only to draw all over their faces with a marker when they fall asleep from its singing? Maybe it’s the Smash Brothers edition and its insistence on trying to one-hit KO you with Rest. That said, what you’re likely not thinking of is Jigglypuff as the balloon Pokemon, even though that’s how the Pokedex classifies it. You would think that the balloon Pokemon would get a move that would keep it off of the ground, yes? But that’s not the case. Not only does Jigglypuff not get the Levitate ability, it also is incapable of learning the only move in the game that allows for levitation, Magnet Rise. And while you’re likely thinking ‘yeah…but that’s a move for Electric Pokemon’, remember Vanillite and Larvesta — two Pokemon that are neither Electric nor Steel — can learn it via breeding. What’s worse is that Jigglypuff learns the only move in the game capable of helping an ally levitate, Telekinesis, via move tutor.

Steelix

Steelix is a snake. A really big iron snake, but a snake nevertheless. And what do snakes do, other than wear silly hats to be fancy? They coil up. Need proof? In the link earlier in the paragraph, I count seven coiled snakes on the first page alone. Yet, despite the fact that Steelix is a snake, it can’t learn the most basic action in all of snakery, Coil. Steelix can learn Dragon Breath despite not being a dragon, Aqua Tail in spite of its weakness to water, and Stomping Tantrum despite not having legs. But it can’t learn Coil. Dunsparce learns Coil, and Dunsparce has never done anything useful. Why can’t Steelix learn Coil?

Chesnaught

Lest you think I’m only choosing Pokemon that were introduced in the Game Boy generations, here’s an entry from Generation VI. It usually takes a generation or two for a Pokemon to get their movesets fully realized18Unless you’re talking Gen I Pokemon, in which case that number is closer to 3 or 4., so you might be able to forgive the fact that Chesnaught is missing a logical move or two here and there. But the fact that Chesnaught is missing the move Spike Cannon from its arsenal is strange on two separate levels. First off, it already learns an array of moves where it hurls pointy barbs at other Pokemon, such as Pin Missile, Needle Arm, and Spikes. Second, I find it peculiar that only Water type Pokemon can learn the Normal type move Spike Cannon, despite the fact that it’s not a Water move. Yeah, this hedgehog gets Spiky Shield, but something’s missing.

Mimikyu

For a Pokemon that disguises itself as an Electric type Pokemon while itself being a combination Ghost and Fairy type, Mimikyu has a movepool littered with Normal type moves. Which is fine. Nearly all of them make a ton of sense for Mimikyu to learn19I could make an argument that Splash makes no sense, but I’m not going to be picky.. But why is it that a Pokemon built around a disguise and fooling people can’t learn Fake Out? There are so many Pokemon that can learn Fake Out. Squirtle can learn it. Sableye can learn it. Spinda — whose entire thing is that it falls over itself — can learn Fake Out. Yet the one Pokemon that is pretending to be another one can’t learn it. Because reasons.

Jynx

I really like Jynx. It has one of the more interesting movepools of any Generation I Pokemon, both now and in previous generations. That said, there’s a move out there — one that Jynx shares the typing of — that I’m befuddled how Jynx doesn’t learn. That move would be Synchronoise. For those unfamiliar with the move, Synchronoise is a high-powered move that can only deal damage if the Pokemon you’re battling shares a type with the Pokemon using the move. It’s almost as if they’re synchronized. You know what else is a punishment for synchronization? A jinx. How this move has been overlooked from Jynx’s movepool since Generation V is beyond me.

Ariados

At the start of this post, I mentioned that Growlithe was one of two Pokemon that inspired the creation of this list. Ariados is the other. Ariados has a giant movepool that includes some moves that might make you wonder how a spider can learn them. How Ariados learns Night Shade, Psychic, Psybeam, or Sonic Boom is beyond me. And yet, Ariados is missing the one obvious move it should have had from its creation in Generation II — Sing. Yes. The move that is synonymous with Jigglypuff actually belongs on Ariados. The long leg Pokemon has aria in its name for a reason. It was meant to create beautiful melodies for anyone in earshot to listen to. If Generation VIII gives us a growling Growlithe and a singing Ariados, the Pokemon world will be a better place.

 

Like my list? Disagree with me? Do you have your own thoughts as to what obvious moves a Pokemon should learn that it doesn’t? Tell me about them in the comments.