Why Your Super Smash Bros Ultimate Main Sucks

Super Smash Brothers Ultimate (SSBU) has been out for a little over a month now. In the time I’ve had the game, I’ve come to an irrefutable conclusion.

Your SSBU main sucks.

It’s true. It doesn’t matter who you use. Whoever you use as your Smash Ultimate main1The primary character you use in battle. is terrible. You hate them, I hate them, everyone hates them. I considered writing a review for the game itself2I still might. I have strong feelings about World of Light and the character unlock processes for SSBU., however, I felt this was a much more important topic to address.

With there being 74+ characters that are playable in SSBU, writing a blog post talking about each and every one of these characters would be an arduous task, both to write and for you to read. That said, this blog wasn’t built off of writing short posts just for the sake of getting interaction. I write long fucking posts, dammit. So let’s do this. Here’s why each of you uses a garbage main for Super Smash Brothers Ultimate. Characters are listed below by the order they appear on Smash’s character selection screen.

Top Row

Mario – Mario is only picked by people who haven’t played video games since the 1980s or who like platformers. Peach has been trying to leave this guy for YEARS. Why do you think she keeps ending up with Bowser. You’re playing as the villain in Mario games. He’s a stalker and Peach is just trying to live happily with her new man…er…dinosaur. Cape is not OP, no nerf is needed.

Donkey Kong – So you know how Mario was actually based off of Jumpman — a character from an earlier Nintendo game? That Nintendo game’s main star was Donkey Kong. If this large ape couldn’t even character the hopes and dreams of an entire company, how could you expect him to carry you to Smash glory?

Link – For five generations of Smash now, Nintendo has made the same mistake. They keep labeling this character as Link, but all of the games he’s in are called The Legend of Zelda. This is a massive oversight on Nintendo’s part. You’re playing as a walking typo.

Samus – For being one of the earliest female protagonists in video game history, you’d think that she would have been written much more poorly. But no. Samus has been a pretty awesome character throughout her existence. Could she be the lone character on this list without flaws? Nope. The only people who main Samus are doing so in order to rub in your face that they’re playing as a female character who doesn’t look stereotypically female and isn’t oversexualized. While they’re right, those type of people are insufferable, making Samus one of the worst mains anyone could have.

Dark Samus – Yes, you’re playing as a female villain. But why would you play as Dark Samus when Wendy exists? I mean, at least you didn’t pick the shitty Metroid villain introduced in SSBU to play as your main3I detest Ridley. So much..

Yoshi – Why would you use a cute cuddly dinosaur as a fighter? That’s an oxymoron. Dinosaurs are evil killing machines, which is literally the antithesis of cute and cuddly. Plus, you’re playing as a character that Mario throws away like garbage every time he needs to make an extra long jump. You’re just a disposable camera that poops eggs.

Kirby – Kirby gets a cool role in SSBU, being the character you start with in World of Light mode. As a result, there’s a ton of players who are learning to play as Kirby — some of them even possibly learning to play him well. This might make Kirby the most common main to have in Smash Bros Ultimate. No one likes a frontrunner.

Fox – There has only been one good Fox player ever. His name was Mad Dawg. None will ever surpass him. Just stop trying.

Pikachu – Being the face of a franchise does not make you good. If Pikachu were really good, Ash would have won a major tournament by now. But do you know how many he’s won? Zero. Pikachu is so bad that they had to make a second Let’s Go game with Gary Oak’s signature Pokemon just so consumers would have a choice to have a real starter Pokemon.

Luigi – This isn’t Mario Kart. In Mario Kart, Luigi is the baddest man in the planet. He’s essentially an Italian Dale Earnhardt. In SSBU, Luigi’s signature move is to trip you — just like a sixth grade bully. Luigi’s final smash is a vacuum cleaner for a reason. He sucks.

Ness – Huh. That’s really neat. I didn’t realize Backyard Baseball got characters into Smash. When were they on Ninten…oh. Ness isn’t from Backyard Baseball? Then why are you using him? Justice for Pablo Sanchez.

Captain Falcon – Captain Falcon shouts his own name during sex.

Jigglypuff – In the Pokemon anime, Jigglypuff tries to sing a beautiful song, only for everyone around who hears the song to fall asleep. Jigglypuff then draws all over those same people with a marker, humiliating them for failing to stay awake during her beautiful aria. In Smash Brothers, Jigglypuff does not attack its opponents with a marker. This is an oversight that will be your undoing.

Second Row

Peach – I’m sure there’s a joke here about how Peach really loves Bowser and not Mario, but I make it several other times in this post, so we’re not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to mention the fact that Peach uses Toad as a meat shield to protect her from attacks. How can you do that to Toad?

Daisy – You have a character named Daisy and she doesn’t come with a Lip’s Stick built in as part of her starting appearance. It’s a missed opportunity. While her black attire might be the single best alternate attire in the game4While Lucina’s Cordelia art, purple Charizard, and dalmatian Duck Hunt have valid arguments, I think they all fall slightly behind., you are still playing as an echo fighter. And who really wants to main an echo fighter? Just play the main fighter they’re based on5Also, as was pointed out to me after publishing this post, Daisy’s voice is bad. Nails on a chalkboard bad..

Bowser – Peach has been running away with Bowser for decades now. Yet, despite being a massive dragon with some massive coffers to build giant castles and employ an entire workforce of guards, he can’t keep a plumber away from the woman he loves. Bowser is the worst protector in the history of protectors. Do you really want to be associated with this loser?

Ice Climbers – When your team is completely useless because half of it falls off stage, you probably weren’t worth bringing back just for the sake of everyone being here.

Sheik –  Ah yes. Sheik. That’s a real fucking hero6Shout out to Kilian.7I would like to take a moment to point out that Sheik’s new final smash for SSBU is AMAZING.. Why aren’t all the Legend of Zelda games based around Sheik? The problem with being a Sheik main in Smash isn’t that Sheik is a bad character — far from it actually. Sheik’s only problem is that she has a move called Bouncing Fish. How can you take someone seriously when one of their most threatening attacks is named after what happens when marine wildlife is taken out of its habitat?

Zelda – That’s not Zelda. That’s Sheik fan art.

Dr. Mario – Dr. Mario is not a licensed medical professional. Despite this, he is frequently seen dispensing medicine throughout Smash matches, While there are a ton of villains in this game, some of whom have allegedly killed people and/or are are the mayors of towns filled with animals, Dr. Mario skirts the reputation of being a bad guy because he’s still Mario. Justice should be served by not playing as Dr. Mario, as it’s the only way to keep him from giving out pills to unsuspecting children.

Pichu – Everything I said about Pikachu above applies here, only you’re playing as a weaker, more frail, though slightly faster version of it. Pichu hurts itself any time it uses electricity, which is a terrible trait to have both as an Electric Pokemon and while living in 2018. Pichu also takes passive damage from WiFi signal, stiff breezes, napping, using an item, not using an item, being near an item, and existing.

Falco – I’ve always found it odd that the Star Fox series chose to include a replacement player from the Washington Sentinels in its games. That said, good on Keanu Reeves for getting those Smash royalty checks. Plus he got to end up with Brooke Langton at the end of the fi…wait. This isn’t that Falco? Then why is he even in the game?

Marth – You’re only maining Marth because you’re a Fire Emblem purist who thinks giving the option not to have permadeath ruins the game. I bet you only play one stock, one-on-one battles in Smash too, right? No? Hypocrite.

Lucina – For being the character who is clearly the actual protagonist for their game, Lucina doesn’t manage to get her own game until more than half way in. For the first half of the game, you just know her as Marth. In Smash, she’s just a clone of Marth — and arguably the laziest clone in the game. If you main Lucina, you’re really just saying that you wish Marth was a hot girl with better customization skins who speaks English8For the record, I’m a Lucina main..

Young Link – Link, but with an overworked teenage sex drive.

Ganondorf – There are so many ways that Ganon has been made to be terrifying in the Zelda series. Yet, for his Smash Brothers character, Ganondorf is depicted as a shitty Klingon wizard cosplay hybrid. The only thing scary about him is the inevitable con-croup you’ll get from spending too much time in his presence.

Third Row

Mewtwo – Sure. Play as a genetically engineered Pokemon specifically designed to be superior to all other fighters. You’re clearly bad enough that you need the help.

Roy – While Roy may or may not be our boy, it’s clear that he’s using a sword coated in some sort of flammable material when fighting. This is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention. You’d think Eliwood would have raised his son better than that.

Chrom – Chrom is so forgotten that he still has to be part of Robin’s final smash despite getting his own character in the game. You don’t main Chrom. No one does.

Mr. Game and Watch – The only valid reason to play Mr. Game and Watch is to get the badge where you KO a character by hitting a 9 on his Judge move. Once you’ve done that, there’s no reason to ever play him again.

Meta Knight – There was a point in the Smash Brothers series where Meta Knight was a broken, near deity level character that likely should have been banned from the game. Those days are long gone. In modern Smash, Meta Knight is fine, but trying to relive its former glory. Meta Knight mains are the cool kids in high school that still talk about their four touchdown performance in the city championship game despite the fact that their own kids are in college.

Pit – There aren’t a ton of characters in fighting games whose powers rely on another character’s powers. Pit can’t fly without Palutena’s assistance. There’s plenty of characters in SSBU that can’t fly, but it’s a critical part of who Pit is. You’re really just a Palutena main but don’t feel comfortable fighting as a girl.

Dark Pit – Pit for posers.

Zero Suit Samus – You like playing as Samus, but only when you can see her boobs. Come on, man. Grow up. Besides, if you want boobs, the internet exists.

Wario – Wario’s entire offense is based off of farting, which sounds cool until you realize that South Park made a whole game based off of this very gimmick. If you want to play as a character who farts all day, there are much better creative outlets out there for you. Go. Be free. Just like a fart.

Snake – I get that Snake is the right player to put in the game because Snake was in the game before and they were trying to bring everyone back. But why is Snake your choice when Revolver Ocelot is a thing? His name is Revolver Ocelot. Revolver. Ocelot. Snake is such a terrible name in comparison.

Ike – One of my favorite things to do is to encourage people who have never played Smash to use Ike’s up special move. With an unskilled player, it’s pretty much an instant self-destruct. With a skilled player, it’s deadly. If you’re reading this article, it’s because you’re currently sitting watching your friends play Smash because you can’t harness the power of Ike’s up special.

Pokemon Trainer – This trainer isn’t Gary Motherfucking Oak.

Diddy Kong – I remember Diddy Kong Racing too. It was like Mario Kart, only not quite as good. Diddy Kong in Smash is the same way. Like a real fighter, but not as good. But hey, at least you don’t have creepy teeth like Donkey Kong.

Fourth Row

Lucas – Ness’ blonde best friend features all the same flaws as Ness does, but you don’t have a baseball bat. Lucas’ recruitment level in SSBU is annoying as hell if you’re going into it blind, but those items aren’t why Lucas sucks. Lucas sucks because he’s just Ness, only crappy. The entire premise to playing Ness is to keep away from everyone in massive battles, then to pick off other fighters when you get the chance. Too bad the dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge strategy only works for so long before you die. And when you do, you don’t even get to do so while wearing a cool hat.

Sonic – God. I’ve got nothing insulting to say about Sonic. Nintendo already buried Sega so hard that the Game Gear is talked about in the same breath as the Commodore 64 and rotary phones. Playing as Sonic is like talking to your childhood imaginary friend as an adult. It’s sweet, but kind of sad.

King Dedede – The best thing King Dedede has ever done is dressing up as King K. Rool in said character’s reveal trailer. It was one of the funniest things I’ve seen. That said, you’ve chosen to main as a Victoria’s Secret model which, while an interesting choice, is not a particularly good choice when considering how few lingerie models go on to be fighting tournament champions.

Olimar – I love watching my wife play the Pikmin games. It’s an oddly calming game to watch, particularly when my wife’s normal fare is X-rank Clam Blitz in Splatoon 29This is the same reason why I love watching The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker.. That said, the lack of the black Pikmin as part of Olimar/Alph’s Pikmin Pluck is disappointing. You can’t blow other fighters up with Pikmin. At that point, why even have Olimar in the game?

Lucario – When you think Fighting Pokemon, what do you think of? If you were around the game in Gen I, it’s likely the Hitmonchan/Hitmonlee duo. If you’re a fan of Pokemon Go, Machamp and Hariyama likely come to mind. If you’ve played some of the middle generation games, Heracross, Blaziken, or Gallade might be your first thought. But the only reason anyone thinks of Lucario is because of the Smash series. While Lucario’s aura ability is pretty neat, to say this Pokemon is iconic would be a gross overstatement. You’re playing as a forgettable fighter whose signature move is a knockoff of Mewtwo’s Shadow Ball. Just play as Mewtwo. It’s better to be feared than forgotten.

R.O.B. – R.O.B. is the real Mad Dawg.

Toon Link – I mean, yes, it’s cool we got representation from Wind Waker, which is the single best Zelda game ever created. But why couldn’t it be Salvatore? Toon Link’s existence means there’s more versions of Link in Smash than Mario…and Mario is the face of Nintendo. Sure, Toon Link is the only acceptable version of Link to play as, but are you really sure you want to say you’re playing as a character who deserves to be represented more often than Mario?

Wolf – At least you’re not Slippy?

Villager – The eyes are dead on the outside, but the soul is even emptier on the inside. But it isn’t because the Villager is a heartless killer like has been stated since it’s inclusion in Smash. It’s because the Villager is actually a hostage of Isabelle and the other townsfolk in the Animal Crossing games. Don’t believe me? Why else would you constantly have to take out loans in order to make your home better — even when you’re happy with the home as it is? You’re not fighting to win Smash. You’re fighting for your life. Best of luck with that weight on your shoulders.

Mega Man – Mega Man is finnnnnneeeee, I guess. Sure, Mega Man’s final smash inspired a lot of later final smashes done in the same vein. And yes, Capcom has to make money somehow. But when given the option to play a game with Mega Man or listen to an epic album that tells the story of Mega Man, why would you play the game? Go listen to The State vs. Thomas Light and have yourself a good cry.

Wii Fit Trainer – Wii Fit Trainer is a flawless character that cannot be criticized by anyone.

Rosalina and Luma – On the plus side, Nintendo figured out how to make the Ice Climbers correctly. If you’re going to make one of the characters of a duo useless, go all the way. The downside here is that so few people played Super Mario Galaxy that most people don’t realize that of the two characters Rosalina is actually the useless character, not Luma. Smash created them backwards. No one should main this duo out of principle until this injustice is fixed.

Little Mac – Little Mac’s recovery is so bad that Nintendo had to give him what amounts to a second final smash (in the form of his KO punch) just to make him balanced. I can jump higher than Little Mac. True, now that the Belmonts are in the game Little Mac isn’t the easiest person to dunk on in the game. But he is the one Nintendo gave players the most handicaps to help.

Fifth Row

Greninja – Greninja’s whole gimmick in its Pokemon games is that it changes typing based off of the move it’s using, thereby always giving it a super effective move. SSBU Greninja doesn’t do this.

Palutena – I appreciate the various buffs Palutena got in SSBU, particularly combining her Counter with her Reflect moves. And yes, her up smash is one of my favorite moves in the entire game. But…you could have had Viridi. She’s clearly the funnier character in all of the Palutena’s guidance cut scenes. She even gives Pit flight instead of Palutena in Kid Icarus: Uprising. And don’t give me that she looks too much like a child to be in the game — Villager, Young Link, Toon Link, and Mega Man exist. Palutena is in the game solely because she has Family Guy legs. And she can’t even kick with them.

Pac-Man – Congratulations. You’re playing as a circle with eyes. You are a sand dollar.

Robin – It’s not often than the fourth most plot important character in their own game10Chrom, Lucina, and Emmeryn, in that order, are before Robin. gets a spot on the Smash Brothers roster, but usually when it happens, their name is Luigi.

Shulk – Did anyone actually know who Shulk was before Smash 411My brother-in-law did and was incredibly excited for Shulk to end up in Smash. I contend that he didn’t actually know anything about Shulk’s games and just acted excited, much like I did when I got Cordelia as a modded leader in Civilization V despite never having played Fire Emblem: Awakening at the time.? SSBU fixed the most glaring problem with using Shulk in Smash 4, giving you quick access to change his arts on the fly. That said, Shulk mains still fall prey to the overprediction that they did in the game’s previous iteration, meaning you’re better off working as a college football analyst for ESPN than trying to predict what your art is best to counter your opponent.

Bowser Jr. – I didn’t realize the kids from The Waltons got their own Smash fighters12The target audience for this joke — one that plays Smash regularly and was subjected to the torture that was The Waltons — is approximately six people worldwide..

Duck Hunt – *Sarah McLachlan’s Angel plays* This entry has been removed at the request of Sarah McLachlan and the ASPCA who wants you to cry while looking at sad animals on television instead of playing video games.

Ryu – I have a family member who grew up in the 1990s as a fan of the Dallas Cowboys, Chicago Bulls, Ohio State, and the New York Yankees. He refused to play as anyone else but Ryu in Street Fighter II Turbo and would scream at anyone who tried to use Ryu against him. Don’t be a Ryu main. No one likes Ryu mains.

Ken – I was so excited to get a second character from Street Fighter. That said, instead of getting the character we clearly deserved, we got Owen Wilson throwing fireballs. Wow.

Cloud – As someone who didn’t play the Final Fantasy series prior to Smash 4 coming out, I didn’t get the appeal to Cloud. Now that I’ve played FFVII, I can definitively say that people only play as Cloud because he has a big fucking sword. It’s like driving a Hummer.

Corrin – You’d think a character that’s part hero, part dragon, part prince/princess would not suck, but Corrin’s only in the game because Camilla’s inclusion would have caused Smash Brothers to get a mature rating.


Inkling – Splatoon and Splatoon 2 are amazing games created by Nintendo that provided a fresh faced intellectual property to its portfolio. By adding the Inkling to Smash, it’s proof that Nintedo intends to solwly milk the franchise for all it’s worth before discarding it like the Goldeneye franchise. They’ve already chosen to relive the past by picking the Killer Wail13One of the original Splatoon’s special moves…and arguably the least effective, though most recognizable one. as Inkling’s final smash instead of one of the Splatoon 2 specials14I personally would have loved to see the Inkjet or Tenta Missiles.. Don’t you see what Nintendo is doing? #SaveInkling

Sixth Row

Ridley – Ridley was better as an assist trophy and a stage hazard. There. I said it. You’re only playing as Ridley because you think dragons look cool. While this is a true statement, Ridley is terribly designed and not particularly scary. This slot could have gone to Big Bird and it would have been an improvement. It’s not that Ridley was too big to put into Smash, it’s that Ridley is so much more fun to beat than to play as. If you’re a Ridley main, I will target you first just to get you off my screen15Seriously though. We couldn’t get Waluigi, Decidueye, Toad, Phoenix Wright, or even the walking cheat code that was Oddjob, yet we get Ridley?.

Simon – Little Mac jumps higher than you. Castlevania is one of the few games represented in Smash that I’ve never played, so I don’t have much negative to say about the Belmonts other than they’re obnoxiously hard to save if they fall off the edge. I’ve got to say something though so…uh…you’re like a shitty version of Shaft if Shaft wasn’t cool?

Richter – How does it feel to be an echo fighter of an anvil?

King K. Rool – I bet you thought Tick Tock Croc was the good guy in Peter Pan.

Isabelle – Isabelle is a Smash fighter that no one knew they needed and even fewer asked for. Yet, here we are. She does have a cool mechanic on her throws where she can reel you in with her fishing rod before throwing you back from where you came. That’s an amazing mechanic in Bill Dance Bass Fishing, though less so in Smash. If you want someone who can win you a few matches, consider picking someone who is genre savvy.

Incineroar – Incineroar is a pro wrestling-based character, which is a much needed addition to the Smash Brothers roster. That said, if Nintendo wanted a cartoonish wrestling character that’s overpowered, capable of massive comebacks, and appeals to children, we could have had John Cena in Smash. That’s right. Instead of John Cena, we got Incineroar.

Mii Brawler – It’s a Mii character.

Mii Swordfighter – It’s a Mii character.

Mii Gunner – It’s a Mii character.

My Pokemon Top 25

I have a likely not shocking confession to make. I really like college football. I don’t like watching it as much as I did while I was in college (or even in the years immediately surrounding it), however it is still of great entertainment. You can have great endings, epic games, and hilarious meltdowns of overrated teams. It’s all really good.

That said, the best part of college football (especially when I got to play the NCAA Football video game series) is the polls. It’s a fun, if not subjective and somewhat inconsistent, way of comparing teams to one another. I’m not a particularly qualified person to put college football teams into a top 2516At least outside of the aforementioned video game situations.. But you know what I do have some expertise on? Pokemon. More specifically, which Pokemon I like better than others.

With that said, there’s over 800 Pokemon in existence. Putting together this list took quite a bit of time, though I did use Dragonfly Cave’s favorite Pokemon tool to help generate my list. In creating my list, I did decide that only one Pokemon from each evolution line could make the final list. This means that I initially went to 50 Pokemon when generating my list, then cut it down from there. My top 25, along with honorable mentions, is below. I’ve kept my explanations for why each Pokemon made the list somewhat short, as otherwise this could be an obnoxious list.

  1. Articuno – One of my two favorite Pokemon as a kid (along with Rattata), the Team Mystic mascot has always been one of my favorite Pokemon. I’ve had trouble putting it at the top of any list or on most teams due to its legendary status. That said, if I’m really being objective, it’s my favorite Pokemon.
  2. Shellder – My favorite shiny Pokemon gets the number two spot thanks to its silly tongue-filled sprites throughout the game’s history, as well as that beautiful hunter orange shiny. If only Cloyster retained that loud coloring with its shiny.
  3. Hitmonchan – One of the most versatile Fighting types you’ll ever encounter may not be a particularly useful Pokemon, but it won me over as a Gen I kid. The elemental punches are amazing and fit with Hitmonchan’s style, even if the moves are better suited to another Pokemon.
  4. Vulpix – Prior to Gen VII, Vulpix would have been a top 10 or 15 Pokemon, but not this high. Then Alolan Vulpix came out, combining a creature I really like with my favorite battle typing. I’ve decided to put Vulpix 4 on this list to average out my thoughts on its Kanto and Alolan forms. Ninetales was ranked 5, but since only one of each line makes the list17I only had to make two cuts for this reason, but it did still come up., Vulpix gets the spot.
  5. Jynx – I recognize most people hate Jynx, but it was on the very first team I ever beat a Pokemon game with. My pro-Ice bias likely keeps Jynx higher on this list than it has any business being, but I still love trotting Jynx out there in online battles, particularly when paired with this next Pokemon.
  6. Delcatty – The top non-Gen I Pokemon on this list is my favorite cat Pokemon. I don’t care that it looks like it has a neck pillow around its neck. Throw Cosmic Power, Toxic, Rest, and an attacking move18I personally like Facade, as someone is likely going to try to poison this set. on it and really mess with people not expecting to see Delcatty in an actual battle. Or, pair it with a Jynx or Smeargle spreading sleep and watch Delcatty wreck teams with Dream Eater (seriously). I love how trolly Delcatty can be.
  7. Mismagius – Speaking of trolly, Mismagius is a great Rest/Sleep Talk Pokemon. While I never got into Misdreavus when I played Gen II, getting a Mismagius for the first time in Pokemon Moon made me really love this Pokemon. Plus, it has some of the better art in the game’s history. Even though the Pokemon on my favorite Pokemon of each type list has changed over time19See: Delcatty going from not mentioned on that post to #6 on this list., Mismagius has remained my favorite Ghost type.
  8. Chandelure – No, I don’t care that it looks like an inanimate object. A ghostly chandelier is amazing. That’s just good design. Chandelure might be my favorite Will-o-Wisp spreader I’ve ever used, but that’s not why it’s this high on this list. That art, though.
  9. Vaporeon – There isn’t a bad Eeveelution other than Flareon20To be fair, this isn’t Flareon’s fault.. But Vapereon has such an awesome movepool, even though it’s mostly known for Wish and Baton Pass. The fact that it’s had access to Acid Armor since Gen I — at a time when there wasn’t much move pool variety — amuses me to no end.
  10. Umbreon – It glows. It’s such a pretty glow at that. I originally had Umbreon above Vaporeon in this list, only to realize how frequently I’ve used Vaporeon in my playthroughs of the various games rather than opting to choose Umbreon. While Umbreon is useful — possibly more so than Vaporeon — I had to fix the list to more accurately reflect my usage.
  12. Dodrio – While Fearow was always my Gen I Flying type of choice, over time I’ve become a bigger fan of Dodrio than its Drill Peck-driven brethren. Though this is mostly driven by Dodrio’s silly looks, I do quite enjoy battling with too. Don’t worry, Fearow makes this list too.
  13. Parasect – Two words: Alazakam killer.
  14. Toxapex – My favorite non-Alolan form Pokemon from Gen VII is, not shockingly, a Water type. That said, it’s the first Poison type I’ve used with any regularity, not to mention yet another Pokemon that loves harming James in the anime21One of my favorite running tropes in the series.. Marenie was my other evolution line limited cut from this list, but it’s just an amazing line.
  15. Mawile – I find it amusing that there’s a Pokemon that can literally bite your head off with its head. Pokemon Go reminded me how much I like Mawile, all while disappointing me how much Go doesn’t understand how to implement some Pokemon22See also: Shuckle, Azumarill..
  16. Fearow – Fearow and Persian were critical hit machines in Gen I. Access to Fly and immunity to Ground type attacks caused me to use Fearow over Persian in many playthroughs of Red and Blue. I don’t make the rules, just this list.
  17. Ampharos – The quest involving Ampharos in Pokemon Gold/Silver creates a memorable character, causing people to love the electric sheep. But combine that with references to a Philip K. Dick novel and the glorious hair of that mega evolution and you’ve got an amazing Pokemon.
  18. Gardevoir – Mawile, but people make more fan art of it. Unfortunately, most of that art is creepy. But Gardevoir is super useful.
  19. Leavanny – In my first run of Pokemon Black, I was stunned how useful I found Leavanny to be. Finding a good physical Bug attacker is kind of hard to do, especially in early generations. I took Leavanny all the way through Black when I beat it, which I never would have guessed when I first started the game. It’s also a shockingly good lead/scout competitively, especially in lower tiers, thanks to access to Sticky Web and U-Turn.
  20. Lapras – Lapras being introduced as the surfing ride Pokemon in Gen VII was the best decision made about that game. That’s all there is to it.
  21. Froslass – Another Gen IV Pokemon that I didn’t get to use for the first time until Gen VII, Froslass is one of my favorite Pokemon to use as a competitive lead. It can spread Spikes and take Pokemon down with Destiny Bond. But above all else, at least it’s not Glalie.
  22. Espeon – Did you know Espeon’s shiny looks like it’s a fox made out of Mountain Dew?
  23. Xurkitree – The best kept secret to beating the Battle Tree in Sun/Moon? Xurkitree with Thunderbolt coming in on Electric Terrain. Just bring Tapu Bulu or another similarly fast Grass/Water Pokemon to deal with Ground types.
  24. Shuckle – Don’t fuckle with Shuckle.
  25. Oddish – The #25 spot on this list was obnoxiously hard to decide on. Do I pick one of the first two Pokemon I ever liked or do I pick the adorable grass bulb that I like enough that there’s a planter shaped like it in my apartment? This is even beyond the fact that I cut two Gen VI Pokemon to get to this point, leaving me with no Pokemon from that (admittedly thin) generation on this list. I leaned to Oddish ultimately, but it was nearly a coin flip here.

Honorable mention: Rattata, Sylveon, Fennekin, Blastoise, Ariados, Meloetta, Hypno, Beedrill, Skarmory, Hawlucha, Persian, Wigglytuff, Liepard, Kabutops, Popplio

The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Play Through Ever: Chapters 1 and 2

The following post is part of my series “The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Playthrough Ever”. Spoilers ahead for a six year old game.

Welcome back to the worst Fire Emblem Awakening play through ever. When we last left Chrom, Christopher Robin, and the rest of the Shepherds, they were busy saving a burning village from a man with an axe and a match. We’ve learned that Chrom is a prince and his home kingdom, Ylisse, is at war with its neighbor, Plegia.

In this post, we’ll be going through chapters 1 and 2 of the game. Pretty much everything through chapter 4 is — like last post’s chapters — a glorified tutorial, so we’re going to somewhat breeze through these chapters while still giving the shitty text play through you’ll come to know and love.

Chapter 1: Unwelcome Change

Chrom, Lissa, Frederick, and Christopher are venturing down a dark road when Lissa realizes a change to an insect based diet might give us more protein, but at a terrible cost. The group clears a campsite with limited background objects, a la RWBY season 1, wherein Frederick feeds everyone but Lissa bear meat, all while being smart enough not to eat it himself. The group dozes off, only for Chrom and Lissa to wake up and realize THE WHOLE GODDAMN FOREST IS EXPLODING. A cut scene from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood drops in and Chrom and Lissa are attacked by extras from The Walking Dead. A masked figure who in no way will be central to the story’s plot saves Lissa’s life, beginning the chapter itself (though our masked friend is no where to be found).

We learn that the zombies are called Risen and we’re going to have to kill them to get out of Smokey the Bear’s worst nightmare. Fortunately, we can hole up some of our units in conveniently placed forts that would totally be in a forest in any other situation besides learning the game. Chrom finds a fancy staff that Lissa will be able to use later in the game as our first turn ends.

Our second turn begins with the introduction of two new characters. The first is Sully, a woman who fights better than any man and speaks like an angry white pensioner from Tennessee. She’s quickly followed by Virion, a shitty ladies’ man wannabe who we’ll be benching as soon as I can select units because good fucking god he’s annoying. Sure, he’s not as annoying as Azama in Fire Emblem: Birthright, but he’s also not as useful. Virion tries to flirt with Sully, only to get shut down faster than a sixteen year old’s internet browser when their parents walk in to him watching porn. And yet, this dialogue still goes on for way too long.

Sully, Chrom, and Christopher do some zombie slaying, while Frederick hits a Risen archer so hard with a critical hit that he’s demoted to a bit part in World War Z. We don’t get the best critical hit line in the game on this hit, but when we do, you can bet your ass I’ll be showing a video of it. Lissa gains some XP solely by stepping on a shiny space, making the grind of leveling up a healer slightly less painful. As was the case in the last chapter, we’re going to let Frederick kill the boss, because I like watching the heads of Fire Emblem purists explode for giving kills to The Jagen of this story.

The chapter ends with Zorro — who is clearly a girl — being referred to by everyone as sir and insisting they be called Marth. Even though Fire Emblem is progressive as a game series, something tells me this isn’t a matter of gender identification and instead may lead us to a plot twist. Marth gives a warning that the world is about to go to shit before walking off into the still burning forest all dark and brooding like.

We arrive at the Ylissian capital of Ylisstol where the peasants walking around the streets are unaware of the fire just outside of the city. Chrom’s older sister, Emmeryn, begins walking through the streets. Considering she’s both the leader of a nation and a spiritual leader, you’d think she’d be in an armored car like the Pope. Instead, she’s just walking around with the equivalent of the medieval Secret Service at her side. Christopher finally makes the connection that Chrom and Lissa are royalty.

Chrom introduces Christopher to Emmeryn, both he and Lissa praising Christopher’s help. Frederick says that Christopher could be a spy, but Emmeryn shrugs him off because this cut scene really needs to move along already. Chrom runs off to join Emmeryn at a council of leaders, mercifully ending my endless mashing of the A button.

Chapter 2: Shepherds

We’ve unlocked Support Conversations, but have none to do at this point. In future posts, I’ll have a section of the post dedicated to that feature, for reasons that’ll become clear when we get there23Spoiler: I’ve already called this Fire Emblem: Shipping Simulator once.. That said, we’re not going to dive into the support conversations in great detail, as I don’t want to permanently scare off all my readers.

We start chapter two with Lissa in a room with a bunch of people we haven’t met yet, telling Christopher to feel comfortable around strangers. I personally find this strange, but our amnesiac friend clearly hasn’t forgotten how to make small talk with strangers. Rarity from My Little Pony is here, only her name is Maribelle and you will quickly learn that we’ve been sent the Equestria Girls version, not the Friendship is Magic version. We’re also introduced to Vaike, who has the IQ of a bag of hammers, and Sumia, who nearly everyone hates despite the fact that Intelligent Systems basically preordains her to be Chrom’s wife. Sumia is the stereotypical horse-loving country girl from a romance novel, only she doesn’t speak like it. It’s very confusing, but will come in useful down the road for about three seconds. Vaike burps.

Chrom enters the scene and Sumia tries to run toward him, only to fall flat on her face. Chrom then asks if Sumia has tripped and fallen again because of her boots, which would make total sense if any character in Awakening actually had feet. Seriously. Look at this shit.

Image courtesy @AustinEruption on Twitter

We’re off to Regna Ferox, which is another kingdom that isn’t Ylisse or Plegia. Everyone’s excited to go on this trip, as is an empty suit of armor that begins talking and is promptly ignored by everyone. The suit of armor is apparently named Kellam, which is weird, because his name should be Alphonse or John Cena.

After even more talking, we leave the bunkhouse and are introduced to Stahl, who is a fat man in a skinny man’s body. Vaike has forgotten his axe because he’d forget his own head if it weren’t attached. Frederick teaches us about the game’s weapon triangle, which is basically rock paper scissors for 14th century warfare. Our first turn is spent baiting out some of the forward enemies while we wait on the Shepherd’s mage, Miriel, to bring Vaike his axe. We have to waste an entire turn on her giving him his axe, which is extra annoying because Miriel is already squishy and underleveled compared to the rest of the team. Lissa starts going around healing people because I’m going to get tired of her not being able to attack pretty soon.

We advance on the bridge in the middle of the map, only for Frederick to talk about the auto battle feature that I’ve never once used. I’d genuinely forgotten it’s in the game. We bait some more enemies out with Sully and Christopher, Chrom and Stahl kill some people, and Vaike get swole from some XP laying on the ground. Risen go down quickly and easily and, as is tradition at this point, we let Frederick kill the boss. Just kidding. Stahl actually gets the kill this time.

The chapter finishes up with a cut scene with Chrom, Lissa, and Christopher encountering a pegasus. It’s angry, but Sumia is there to calm it down because of course she is. Sumia falls on her face yet again for reasons that still don’t make sense when you take science or logic into consideration.

End of Level Recap

  • Christopher – Level 4 Tactician
  • Lissa – Level 4 Cleric
  • Vaike – Level 4 Fighter
  • Sully – Level 3 Cavalier
  • Stahl – Level 3 Cavalier
  • Chrom – Level 2 Lord
  • Virion – Level 2 Archer
  • Frederick – Level 1 Great Knight
  • Miriel – Level 1 Mage

My Pokemon Gym: Ice

A couple of months ago, I wrote a blog post where I shared what my Pokemon gym would be if I were the gym leader of a Fighting type gym. As I mentioned in that post, Fighting isn’t a type that’s particularly high on my list of types I like, though I did want to write the post at the request of one of my blog followers. With my birthday coming up later this month, I wanted to take the opportunity to revisit this gym concept, only this time looking at my favorite Pokemon type. That type would be Ice type Pokemon.

Ice type Pokemon are a much maligned type in the Pokemon universe. While it’s a great attacking type, dealing super effective damage to some of the most frightening offensive types, Ice types are defensive liabilities. Defensively, Ice types are weak to Fire, Fighting, Rock, and Steel Pokemon, nearly all of which feature on most common Pokemon teams in some capacity. This is what makes trainers like Lorelei, Wulfric, and Candice much easier to battle than other gym leaders or Elite Four members. Even with that in mind, my goal is to do my best to represent my favorite Pokemon typing well as a gym leader for it.

As I’ve done on previous Pokemon team/gym style posts, I’ll be sharing the six Pokemon on my team, along with their held items and moves. I’ll also be giving a little additional background into why I’ve chosen each of these Pokemon. I won’t be using legendary Pokemon on my team, despite the fact that the very first Ice type I loved is the original Ice type legendary, Articuno. I’ve tried to limit the number of Pokemon I’ve taken from any single generation, however, since Ice types have a fairly limited pool to pull from — and many of those Pokemon get evolutions in later generations randomly — I have a team that’s largely comprised of Gen I and Gen IV Pokemon.

Alolan Ninetales

Alolan Ninetales courtesy Bulbapedia

One of the critical components of getting any Ice type team to work is setting up Hail for sake of Aurora Veil and residual damage. Enter Alolan Ninetales, which combines both of these into one easy package. I chose to make Alolan Ninetales my lead Pokemon rather than my ace for this reason, as its primary purpose is to protect the rest of my team the best it can. I really wish I had five move slots on this set, as I’d love to run the Toxic/Hex combo that amuses me so much. But alas, that’s not Alolan Ninetales’ job with this set.

Ability: Snow Warning
Item: Icy Rock
Moves: Aurora Veil, Mist, Blizzard, Toxic


Lapras courtesy Bulbapedia

Because Ice types have so many weaknesses, part of my strategy as a leader is that I need to have specific counters to those weaknesses. This means that as much as I wanted to bring Cloyster on the team, Lapras is the much smarter choice as my anti-Fire counter. Lapras can be a shockingly good mixed attacker with the right moveset, though I’ve chosen to boost its survivability over attacking power, as it is one of the bulkier creatures on my team.

Ability: Shell Armor
Item: Assault Vest
Moves: Whirlpool, Perish Song, Curse, Protect


Froslass courtesy Bulbapedia

Can you tell I like troll-y Ice type Pokemon? Between a screen setting Ninetales, a trapping Perish Song Lapras, and now the queen of Destiny Bond in Froslass, my first three Pokemon on this list are meant to take out major threats to the three Pokemon that end this list. I’ve used Froslass as a lead when I’ve battled online, however her purpose on this team is to cripple the other team’s hard hitters, as well as to take them out with self-sacrifice if needed.

Ability: Cursed Body
Item: Focus Sash
Moves: Destiny Bond, Confuse Ray, Will-O-Wisp, Ominous Wind


Weavile courtesy Bulbapedia

And thus begins the hard hitters of my team. Weavile hopes that any Fighting Pokemon are dealt with before it comes in, however it’s set up to start wrecking the other team if that’s the case. As much as I want to justify using Pickpocket on Weavile, there’s no good reason to do so when Pressure exists. Not that anything will live long enough for Pressure to truly matter if all goes well.

Ability: Pressure
Item: Darkium-Z
Moves: Snatch, Icicle Crash, Bite, Dark Pulse


Mamoswine courtesy Bulbapedia

While Weavile is meant to take advantage of its speed and flinching capabilities, Mamoswine is my glacier. Sure, it doesn’t move as fast as my other Pokemon24Though Mamoswine has shockingly good speed., but it’s going to hit like a truck when it does. I considered putting Mega Glalie in this spot to give me a mega Pokemon, but then I remembered how much I detest Glalie. So no.

Ability: Thick Fat
Item: Muscle Band
Moves: Thrash, Earthquake, Superpower, Avalanche


Jynx courtesy Bulbapedia

My ace for this team is a much-maligned Pokemon that I’ve found I’m one of the few people who loves. Jynx is one of my favorite Pokemon to use, both in the mainline games and in Pokemon Go. Yes, it has horribly frail defenses, but the hope is that most of its threats are taken out early by the first few Pokemon on my team — or by Weavile and Mamoswine if not. While I was tempted to do a full kiss moves team with Jynx25As it can learn Draining Kiss, Lovely Kiss, and Sweet Kiss., only one of those made my final moveset. Jynx is oblivious to your team’s wiles, and is the anchor of my Ice type gym because of it.

Ability: Oblivious
Item: Wide Lens
Moves: Lovely Kiss, Blizzard, Dream Eater, Hyper Voice

10 New Mega Evolutions I Want to See on Pokemon Switch

The hype train for Pokemon Switch keeps chugging along. Seriously. Go on YouTube and look at nearly any PokeTuber’s channel. It’s all a lot of people want to talk about. And why wouldn’t fans of the game want to speculate about it? Between the 2017 E3 Nintendo Direct mentioning that Nintendo has a core Pokemon game in development for Switch, the announcement of a new Pokemon as part of the Let’s Go Eevee/Let’s Go Pikachu releases, as well as various other sources reporting a release date of mid-2019 for a core series game, there’s reason to get excited.

One of the more recently introduced game mechanics that I believe will have a greater amount of usage in any Pokemon game on the Nintendo Switch is the concept of Mega Evolutions. There are currently 46 Pokemon capable of mega evolving, which is a particularly low number when considering that there are now 807 Pokemon in the game26I started writing this post thinking there were 806 Pokemon in the game. I’m glad I doublechecked. Apparently a new one got announced in April. Who knew?. In addition to expanding the usage of Z-moves that was introduced in Generation VII, I expect us to see some new Pokemon capable of mega evolution.

So, which Pokemon will we see mega evolutions for? I’ve created a list of 10 Pokemon I’d personally like to see get mega evolutions. For this post, I’ll share with you which ten Pokemon I’d most want to see get mega evolutions in a Pokemon game for the Nintendo Switch, a little information about how I imagine the new evolution playing out, as well as why I want that specific Pokemon to get a mega evolution. All images are courtesy Bulbapedia.

Honorable mentions that missed the cut: Dragonite, Toucannon, Ledian27Yes, the king of garbage Pokemon would be a ridiculous Pokemon to consider for mega evolution. Yet…would it really be all that shocking?, Vikavolt, Delibird, Raichu28*insert tears from Pikachu fans here*, Gothitelle, and Parasect

10. Hawlucha

Mega evolutions were introduced in Gen VI of the Pokemon games. One of the game’s gym leaders, Korrina, knew the secrets behind mega evolutions, yet doesn’t carry a single mega evolving Pokemon in her main gym team. The best way to remedy that is to give one of Korrina’s signature Pokemon, Hawlucha, a mega evolution. Mega Hawlucha would remain a dual type Flying/Fighting Pokemon, but does pick up some additional Defense (20 points), Attack (30 points), and Speed (40 points)29Mega evolved Pokemon tend to gain around 90 points to their attributes overall, generally spread across 3 stats, not including HP. I’ll be using 90 points of gain as the standard amount for all Pokemon on this list.. Instead of retaining its Limber, Unburden, or Mold Breaker abilities, Mega Hawlucha would gain the Motor Drive ability, which would boost its formidable speed even further if it’s hit by an electric attack.

9. Gogoat

Our second (and final) Gen VI Pokemon on the list might be a bit unexpected, as Gogoat is not a particularly standout Pokemon in the game in terms of usage. With that said, its appearances in Super Smash Brothers for WiiU caused Gogoat to grow on me. Mega Gogoat would be our first type changing Pokemon on this list, going from a pure Grass type to a dual Grass/Fighting type, picking up a massive amount of additional Attack (50 points), as well as some Defense and Special Defense (20 points each). Mega Gogoat would also be the first Pokemon with the Grass-type version of Aerilate, turning its wide pool of hard-hitting Normal attacks into STAB-Grass attacks.

8. Fearow

I’d have to imagine that if there’s new mega Pokemon in Generation VIII, at least a handful of them will be from Gen I, particularly with Pokemon Let’s Go on the horizon. As such, I’m going to hope that Fearow gets a mega evolution. Fearow was one of the most underrated Pokemon in Gen I, particularly with how its speed stat combined with Drill Peck to abuse Red/Blue/Yellow’s broken critical hit mechanics. Mega Fearow pays homage to that, as its current hidden ability, Sniper, would become the mega’s ability. Most of Fearow’s growth as a mega would come in Attack (30 points) and Speed (45 points), but a small amount of growth in its Defense (15 points) would make it a slightly bulkier bird to battle. Fearow would retain its Normal/Flying typing as a mega evolution.

7. Mamoswine

With all the hype surrounding the pending30It was pending when I originally wrote this post. The post just got rescheduled a few times. announcement of Generation IV in Pokemon Go, I thought it’d be fitting to include two Pokemon from that Generation in this list. Mamoswine is a beast of a Pokemon, however it’s not the tank of a Pokemon that it looks like it would be. Yes, its Thick Fat ability removes two of its weaknesses, but it’s not a particularly good defensive Pokemon. Its Ice/Ground mega evolution would change that, as Mega Mamoswine would pair the Thick Fat ability with an additional 40 points in both its Defense and Special Defense, with a small boost going to its Attack (10 points) as well. It’s about time this woolly mammoth became a defensive behemoth in its own right.

6. Toxapex

I know what you’re thinking. Does Toxapex really need a mega evolution? It’s one of the best Generation VII Pokemon. And yes, I hear that argument. My counter argument to that is Rayquaza, Grodon, Kyogre, Salamance, Mewtwo, and Scizor. Just because a Pokemon is really good does not mean it shouldn’t get a mega evolution. Toxapex is the lone Gen VII entry on this list, but it’s one of the most standout Pokemon from Sun and Moon, making it one of the most deserving of this spot31Apologies to Mimikyu, the Tapus, Salazzle, Toucannon, and Vikavolt, the last two of which were the hardest debates.. Mega Toxapex would trade out its overpowered Merciless ability for an ability currently unique to Salazzle — Corrosion. Though Toxapex would retain its Poison/Water typing, its stats would see a small jump in Attack (10 points) to go along with massive jumps in its Special Defense (30 points) and Defense (50 points). That 202 base Defense stat would give Mega Toxapex the fifth highest Defense in the game, becoming a wall on the level of Shuckle, just with more power to hit back. More on that in a bit though.

5. Flygon

Allegedly Flygon was supposed to get a mega evolution in Generation VI, but didn’t due to artist’s block. As a writer, I’ve been there. That said, Flygon is overdue for a mega evolution. Despite its massive move pool, Mega Flygon would retain the original’s Dragon/Ground typing, along with its Levitate ability. Due to how overdue this mega evolution is, Mega Flygon becomes our only exception to the 90 point rule, getting an astounding 120 points spread out amongst its Speed (30 points), Attack (45 points), Special Attack (35 points), and Special Defense (10 points). It might be two generations too late, but Flygon would finally get the place it deserves along other mega evolutions, leaving another Dragon type Pokemon as the most asked for mega evolution32Sorry Dragonite fans. Your favorite Pokemon was one of my final two cuts from this list, along with Toucannon..

4. Mismagius

We now begin a two entry run on this list with Pokemon I personally love to use in the main games, and therefore would love to see get mega evolutions. We begin with Mismagius, who is my favorite Pokemon to use a Rest/Sleep Talk moveset with. Mismagius is already a great Special Attack Pokemon, so Mega Mismagius would see a natural furthering of that trait, with a 35 point boost to Special Attack, along with boosts to its Special Defense (30 points) and Speed (25 points). Mega Mismagius would see one of the more drastic changes of any one this list, both with an ability change from Levitate to a new ability similar to Thick Fat which reduces damage from Dark types, as well as a new dual typing of Ghost/Psychic. Yes, that would make Mega Mismagius four times weak to Ghost and Dark, but its ability is meant to mitigate some of that weakness.

3. Shuckle

The beauty of Shuckle is that it’s the most extreme stat Pokemon in the game, boasting the top non-legendary values in Defense and Special Defense, while having bottom five HP, Attack, Special Attack, and Speed stats. That begs the question…how could you make Shuckle even more of a stalling Pokemon? Mega Shuckle is the only Pokemon on this list to not get the full 90 points in stat boosts from its mega evolution, gaining a mere 40 points, split evenly between its Defense and Special Defense. That said, Mega Shuckle changes types from Bug/Rock to Bug/Steel and changes abilities to the Heatproof ability. This means that the only four times weakness Mega Shuckle would have suddenly becomes a regular weakness. Have fun killing Mega Shuckle, especially now that you can’t poison it.

2. Leavanny

Over the years, the Bug typing has gone from one of my least favorite types in the game to one that I actually really like. Yes, Bug has some terrible Pokemon in it, but it also has some really fun Pokemon. In my playthrough of Pokemon Black, one of my favorite Pokemon to use was Leavanny. It was a shockingly adept battler, thanks in part to the combination of Fell Stinger and Leaf Blade in its arsenal. Mega Leavanny remains a Bug/Grass dual type, but does get the Super Luck ability to help raise its critical hit rate, making it an even more dangerous offensive threat. Since Leavanny is losing the Chlorophyll ability as part of its mega evolution, the bulk of Mega Leavanny’s stat boosts go to its Speed stat (40 points), with the remainder going toward Attack (30 points), Defense (10 points), and Special Defense (10 points). With those boost, you might not even need Swords Dance or Fell Stinger on Mega Leavanny, but good luck if it gets the boost from either of them up.

1. Lapras

Finally, we come to the Generation I Pokemon that I feel has most deserved an evolution or mega evolution since its inception. Its bulk has always been its calling card, however Lapras’ ability to deal with Dragon types can’t be understated either. Mega Lapras retains its normal form’s Water Absorb ability, though its growths in Special Attack (45 points) and Special Defense (35 points) make those values the same for the first time since Generation I. The remaining points go into Mega Lapras’s Defense (20 points). Mega Lapras does retain its Ice typing, however thanks to its reputation as an anti-Dragon unit, Mega Lapras gets a type change from dual Water/Ice to Fairy/Ice, further solidifying its niche in that realm.

What do you think of the list? Which Pokemon do you most want to get a mega evolution? Let us know in the comments.