Super Smash Brothers Ultimate (SSBU) has been out for a little over a month now. In the time I’ve had the game, I’ve come to an irrefutable conclusion.
Your SSBU main sucks.
It’s true. It doesn’t matter who you use. Whoever you use as your Smash Ultimate main30 is terrible. You hate them, I hate them, everyone hates them. I considered writing a review for the game itself31, however, I felt this was a much more important topic to address.
With there being 74+ characters that are playable in SSBU, writing a blog post talking about each and every one of these characters would be an arduous task, both to write and for you to read. That said, this blog wasn’t built off of writing short posts just for the sake of getting interaction. I write long fucking posts, dammit. So let’s do this. Here’s why each of you uses a garbage main for Super Smash Brothers Ultimate. Characters are listed below by the order they appear on Smash’s character selection screen.
Mario – Mario is only picked by people who haven’t played video games since the 1980s or who like platformers. Peach has been trying to leave this guy for YEARS. Why do you think she keeps ending up with Bowser. You’re playing as the villain in Mario games. He’s a stalker and Peach is just trying to live happily with her new man…er…dinosaur. Cape is not OP, no nerf is needed.
Donkey Kong – So you know how Mario was actually based off of Jumpman — a character from an earlier Nintendo game? That Nintendo game’s main star was Donkey Kong. If this large ape couldn’t even character the hopes and dreams of an entire company, how could you expect him to carry you to Smash glory?
Link – For five generations of Smash now, Nintendo has made the same mistake. They keep labeling this character as Link, but all of the games he’s in are called The Legend of Zelda. This is a massive oversight on Nintendo’s part. You’re playing as a walking typo.
Samus – For being one of the earliest female protagonists in video game history, you’d think that she would have been written much more poorly. But no. Samus has been a pretty awesome character throughout her existence. Could she be the lone character on this list without flaws? Nope. The only people who main Samus are doing so in order to rub in your face that they’re playing as a female character who doesn’t look stereotypically female and isn’t oversexualized. While they’re right, those type of people are insufferable, making Samus one of the worst mains anyone could have.
Dark Samus – Yes, you’re playing as a female villain. But why would you play as Dark Samus when Wendy exists? I mean, at least you didn’t pick the shitty Metroid villain introduced in SSBU to play as your main32.
Yoshi – Why would you use a cute cuddly dinosaur as a fighter? That’s an oxymoron. Dinosaurs are evil killing machines, which is literally the antithesis of cute and cuddly. Plus, you’re playing as a character that Mario throws away like garbage every time he needs to make an extra long jump. You’re just a disposable camera that poops eggs.
Kirby – Kirby gets a cool role in SSBU, being the character you start with in World of Light mode. As a result, there’s a ton of players who are learning to play as Kirby — some of them even possibly learning to play him well. This might make Kirby the most common main to have in Smash Bros Ultimate. No one likes a frontrunner.
Fox – There has only been one good Fox player ever. His name was Mad Dawg. None will ever surpass him. Just stop trying.
Pikachu – Being the face of a franchise does not make you good. If Pikachu were really good, Ash would have won a major tournament by now. But do you know how many he’s won? Zero. Pikachu is so bad that they had to make a second Let’s Go game with Gary Oak’s signature Pokemon just so consumers would have a choice to have a real starter Pokemon.
Luigi – This isn’t Mario Kart. In Mario Kart, Luigi is the baddest man in the planet. He’s essentially an Italian Dale Earnhardt. In SSBU, Luigi’s signature move is to trip you — just like a sixth grade bully. Luigi’s final smash is a vacuum cleaner for a reason. He sucks.
Ness – Huh. That’s really neat. I didn’t realize Backyard Baseball got characters into Smash. When were they on Ninten…oh. Ness isn’t from Backyard Baseball? Then why are you using him? Justice for Pablo Sanchez.
Captain Falcon – Captain Falcon shouts his own name during sex.
Jigglypuff – In the Pokemon anime, Jigglypuff tries to sing a beautiful song, only for everyone around who hears the song to fall asleep. Jigglypuff then draws all over those same people with a marker, humiliating them for failing to stay awake during her beautiful aria. In Smash Brothers, Jigglypuff does not attack its opponents with a marker. This is an oversight that will be your undoing.
Peach – I’m sure there’s a joke here about how Peach really loves Bowser and not Mario, but I make it several other times in this post, so we’re not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to mention the fact that Peach uses Toad as a meat shield to protect her from attacks. How can you do that to Toad?
Daisy – You have a character named Daisy and she doesn’t come with a Lip’s Stick built in as part of her starting appearance. It’s a missed opportunity. While her black attire might be the single best alternate attire in the game33, you are still playing as an echo fighter. And who really wants to main an echo fighter? Just play the main fighter they’re based on34.
Bowser – Peach has been running away with Bowser for decades now. Yet, despite being a massive dragon with some massive coffers to build giant castles and employ an entire workforce of guards, he can’t keep a plumber away from the woman he loves. Bowser is the worst protector in the history of protectors. Do you really want to be associated with this loser?
Ice Climbers – When your team is completely useless because half of it falls off stage, you probably weren’t worth bringing back just for the sake of everyone being here.
Sheik – Ah yes. Sheik. That’s a real fucking hero3536. Why aren’t all the Legend of Zelda games based around Sheik? The problem with being a Sheik main in Smash isn’t that Sheik is a bad character — far from it actually. Sheik’s only problem is that she has a move called Bouncing Fish. How can you take someone seriously when one of their most threatening attacks is named after what happens when marine wildlife is taken out of its habitat?
Zelda – That’s not Zelda. That’s Sheik fan art.
Dr. Mario – Dr. Mario is not a licensed medical professional. Despite this, he is frequently seen dispensing medicine throughout Smash matches, While there are a ton of villains in this game, some of whom have allegedly killed people and/or are are the mayors of towns filled with animals, Dr. Mario skirts the reputation of being a bad guy because he’s still Mario. Justice should be served by not playing as Dr. Mario, as it’s the only way to keep him from giving out pills to unsuspecting children.
Pichu – Everything I said about Pikachu above applies here, only you’re playing as a weaker, more frail, though slightly faster version of it. Pichu hurts itself any time it uses electricity, which is a terrible trait to have both as an Electric Pokemon and while living in 2018. Pichu also takes passive damage from WiFi signal, stiff breezes, napping, using an item, not using an item, being near an item, and existing.
Falco – I’ve always found it odd that the Star Fox series chose to include a replacement player from the Washington Sentinels in its games. That said, good on Keanu Reeves for getting those Smash royalty checks. Plus he got to end up with Brooke Langton at the end of the fi…wait. This isn’t that Falco? Then why is he even in the game?
Marth – You’re only maining Marth because you’re a Fire Emblem purist who thinks giving the option not to have permadeath ruins the game. I bet you only play one stock, one-on-one battles in Smash too, right? No? Hypocrite.
Lucina – For being the character who is clearly the actual protagonist for their game, Lucina doesn’t manage to get her own game until more than half way in. For the first half of the game, you just know her as Marth. In Smash, she’s just a clone of Marth — and arguably the laziest clone in the game. If you main Lucina, you’re really just saying that you wish Marth was a hot girl with better customization skins who speaks English37.
Young Link – Link, but with an overworked teenage sex drive.
Ganondorf – There are so many ways that Ganon has been made to be terrifying in the Zelda series. Yet, for his Smash Brothers character, Ganondorf is depicted as a shitty Klingon wizard cosplay hybrid. The only thing scary about him is the inevitable con-croup you’ll get from spending too much time in his presence.
Mewtwo – Sure. Play as a genetically engineered Pokemon specifically designed to be superior to all other fighters. You’re clearly bad enough that you need the help.
Roy – While Roy may or may not be our boy, it’s clear that he’s using a sword coated in some sort of flammable material when fighting. This is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention. You’d think Eliwood would have raised his son better than that.
Chrom – Chrom is so forgotten that he still has to be part of Robin’s final smash despite getting his own character in the game. You don’t main Chrom. No one does.
Mr. Game and Watch – The only valid reason to play Mr. Game and Watch is to get the badge where you KO a character by hitting a 9 on his Judge move. Once you’ve done that, there’s no reason to ever play him again.
Meta Knight – There was a point in the Smash Brothers series where Meta Knight was a broken, near deity level character that likely should have been banned from the game. Those days are long gone. In modern Smash, Meta Knight is fine, but trying to relive its former glory. Meta Knight mains are the cool kids in high school that still talk about their four touchdown performance in the city championship game despite the fact that their own kids are in college.
Pit – There aren’t a ton of characters in fighting games whose powers rely on another character’s powers. Pit can’t fly without Palutena’s assistance. There’s plenty of characters in SSBU that can’t fly, but it’s a critical part of who Pit is. You’re really just a Palutena main but don’t feel comfortable fighting as a girl.
Dark Pit – Pit for posers.
Zero Suit Samus – You like playing as Samus, but only when you can see her boobs. Come on, man. Grow up. Besides, if you want boobs, the internet exists.
Wario – Wario’s entire offense is based off of farting, which sounds cool until you realize that South Park made a whole game based off of this very gimmick. If you want to play as a character who farts all day, there are much better creative outlets out there for you. Go. Be free. Just like a fart.
Snake – I get that Snake is the right player to put in the game because Snake was in the game before and they were trying to bring everyone back. But why is Snake your choice when Revolver Ocelot is a thing? His name is Revolver Ocelot. Revolver. Ocelot. Snake is such a terrible name in comparison.
Ike – One of my favorite things to do is to encourage people who have never played Smash to use Ike’s up special move. With an unskilled player, it’s pretty much an instant self-destruct. With a skilled player, it’s deadly. If you’re reading this article, it’s because you’re currently sitting watching your friends play Smash because you can’t harness the power of Ike’s up special.
Pokemon Trainer – This trainer isn’t Gary Motherfucking Oak.
Diddy Kong – I remember Diddy Kong Racing too. It was like Mario Kart, only not quite as good. Diddy Kong in Smash is the same way. Like a real fighter, but not as good. But hey, at least you don’t have creepy teeth like Donkey Kong.
Lucas – Ness’ blonde best friend features all the same flaws as Ness does, but you don’t have a baseball bat. Lucas’ recruitment level in SSBU is annoying as hell if you’re going into it blind, but those items aren’t why Lucas sucks. Lucas sucks because he’s just Ness, only crappy. The entire premise to playing Ness is to keep away from everyone in massive battles, then to pick off other fighters when you get the chance. Too bad the dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge strategy only works for so long before you die. And when you do, you don’t even get to do so while wearing a cool hat.
Sonic – God. I’ve got nothing insulting to say about Sonic. Nintendo already buried Sega so hard that the Game Gear is talked about in the same breath as the Commodore 64 and rotary phones. Playing as Sonic is like talking to your childhood imaginary friend as an adult. It’s sweet, but kind of sad.
King Dedede – The best thing King Dedede has ever done is dressing up as King K. Rool in said character’s reveal trailer. It was one of the funniest things I’ve seen. That said, you’ve chosen to main as a Victoria’s Secret model which, while an interesting choice, is not a particularly good choice when considering how few lingerie models go on to be fighting tournament champions.
Olimar – I love watching my wife play the Pikmin games. It’s an oddly calming game to watch, particularly when my wife’s normal fare is X-rank Clam Blitz in Splatoon 238. That said, the lack of the black Pikmin as part of Olimar/Alph’s Pikmin Pluck is disappointing. You can’t blow other fighters up with Pikmin. At that point, why even have Olimar in the game?
Lucario – When you think Fighting Pokemon, what do you think of? If you were around the game in Gen I, it’s likely the Hitmonchan/Hitmonlee duo. If you’re a fan of Pokemon Go, Machamp and Hariyama likely come to mind. If you’ve played some of the middle generation games, Heracross, Blaziken, or Gallade might be your first thought. But the only reason anyone thinks of Lucario is because of the Smash series. While Lucario’s aura ability is pretty neat, to say this Pokemon is iconic would be a gross overstatement. You’re playing as a forgettable fighter whose signature move is a knockoff of Mewtwo’s Shadow Ball. Just play as Mewtwo. It’s better to be feared than forgotten.
R.O.B. – R.O.B. is the real Mad Dawg.
Toon Link – I mean, yes, it’s cool we got representation from Wind Waker, which is the single best Zelda game ever created. But why couldn’t it be Salvatore? Toon Link’s existence means there’s more versions of Link in Smash than Mario…and Mario is the face of Nintendo. Sure, Toon Link is the only acceptable version of Link to play as, but are you really sure you want to say you’re playing as a character who deserves to be represented more often than Mario?
Wolf – At least you’re not Slippy?
Villager – The eyes are dead on the outside, but the soul is even emptier on the inside. But it isn’t because the Villager is a heartless killer like has been stated since it’s inclusion in Smash. It’s because the Villager is actually a hostage of Isabelle and the other townsfolk in the Animal Crossing games. Don’t believe me? Why else would you constantly have to take out loans in order to make your home better — even when you’re happy with the home as it is? You’re not fighting to win Smash. You’re fighting for your life. Best of luck with that weight on your shoulders.
Mega Man – Mega Man is finnnnnneeeee, I guess. Sure, Mega Man’s final smash inspired a lot of later final smashes done in the same vein. And yes, Capcom has to make money somehow. But when given the option to play a game with Mega Man or listen to an epic album that tells the story of Mega Man, why would you play the game? Go listen to The State vs. Thomas Light and have yourself a good cry.
Wii Fit Trainer – Wii Fit Trainer is a flawless character that cannot be criticized by anyone.
Rosalina and Luma – On the plus side, Nintendo figured out how to make the Ice Climbers correctly. If you’re going to make one of the characters of a duo useless, go all the way. The downside here is that so few people played Super Mario Galaxy that most people don’t realize that of the two characters Rosalina is actually the useless character, not Luma. Smash created them backwards. No one should main this duo out of principle until this injustice is fixed.
Little Mac – Little Mac’s recovery is so bad that Nintendo had to give him what amounts to a second final smash (in the form of his KO punch) just to make him balanced. I can jump higher than Little Mac. True, now that the Belmonts are in the game Little Mac isn’t the easiest person to dunk on in the game. But he is the one Nintendo gave players the most handicaps to help.
Greninja – Greninja’s whole gimmick in its Pokemon games is that it changes typing based off of the move it’s using, thereby always giving it a super effective move. SSBU Greninja doesn’t do this.
Palutena – I appreciate the various buffs Palutena got in SSBU, particularly combining her Counter with her Reflect moves. And yes, her up smash is one of my favorite moves in the entire game. But…you could have had Viridi. She’s clearly the funnier character in all of the Palutena’s guidance cut scenes. She even gives Pit flight instead of Palutena in Kid Icarus: Uprising. And don’t give me that she looks too much like a child to be in the game — Villager, Young Link, Toon Link, and Mega Man exist. Palutena is in the game solely because she has Family Guy legs. And she can’t even kick with them.
Pac-Man – Congratulations. You’re playing as a circle with eyes. You are a sand dollar.
Robin – It’s not often than the fourth most plot important character in their own game39 gets a spot on the Smash Brothers roster, but usually when it happens, their name is Luigi.
Shulk – Did anyone actually know who Shulk was before Smash 440? SSBU fixed the most glaring problem with using Shulk in Smash 4, giving you quick access to change his arts on the fly. That said, Shulk mains still fall prey to the overprediction that they did in the game’s previous iteration, meaning you’re better off working as a college football analyst for ESPN than trying to predict what your art is best to counter your opponent.
Bowser Jr. – I didn’t realize the kids from The Waltons got their own Smash fighters41.
Duck Hunt – *Sarah McLachlan’s Angel plays* This entry has been removed at the request of Sarah McLachlan and the ASPCA who wants you to cry while looking at sad animals on television instead of playing video games.
Ryu – I have a family member who grew up in the 1990s as a fan of the Dallas Cowboys, Chicago Bulls, Ohio State, and the New York Yankees. He refused to play as anyone else but Ryu in Street Fighter II Turbo and would scream at anyone who tried to use Ryu against him. Don’t be a Ryu main. No one likes Ryu mains.
Ken – I was so excited to get a second character from Street Fighter. That said, instead of getting the character we clearly deserved, we got Owen Wilson throwing fireballs. Wow.
Cloud – As someone who didn’t play the Final Fantasy series prior to Smash 4 coming out, I didn’t get the appeal to Cloud. Now that I’ve played FFVII, I can definitively say that people only play as Cloud because he has a big fucking sword. It’s like driving a Hummer.
Corrin – You’d think a character that’s part hero, part dragon, part prince/princess would not suck, but Corrin’s only in the game because Camilla’s inclusion would have caused Smash Brothers to get a mature rating.
Bayonetta – HOW THE FUCK IS BAYONETTA IN THIS GAME AND SMASH STILL DOESN’T HAVE A MATURE RATING?
Inkling – Splatoon and Splatoon 2 are amazing games created by Nintendo that provided a fresh faced intellectual property to its portfolio. By adding the Inkling to Smash, it’s proof that Nintedo intends to slowly milk the franchise for all it’s worth before discarding it like the Goldeneye franchise. They’ve already chosen to relive the past by picking the Killer Wail42 as Inkling’s final smash instead of one of the Splatoon 2 specials43. Don’t you see what Nintendo is doing? #SaveInkling
Ridley – Ridley was better as an assist trophy and a stage hazard. There. I said it. You’re only playing as Ridley because you think dragons look cool. While this is a true statement, Ridley is terribly designed and not particularly scary. This slot could have gone to Big Bird and it would have been an improvement. It’s not that Ridley was too big to put into Smash, it’s that Ridley is so much more fun to beat than to play as. If you’re a Ridley main, I will target you first just to get you off my screen44.
Simon – Little Mac jumps higher than you. Castlevania is one of the few games represented in Smash that I’ve never played, so I don’t have much negative to say about the Belmonts other than they’re obnoxiously hard to save if they fall off the edge. I’ve got to say something though so…uh…you’re like a shitty version of Shaft if Shaft wasn’t cool?
Richter – How does it feel to be an echo fighter of an anvil?
King K. Rool – I bet you thought Tick Tock Croc was the good guy in Peter Pan.
Isabelle – Isabelle is a Smash fighter that no one knew they needed and even fewer asked for. Yet, here we are. She does have a cool mechanic on her throws where she can reel you in with her fishing rod before throwing you back from where you came. That’s an amazing mechanic in Bill Dance Bass Fishing, though less so in Smash. If you want someone who can win you a few matches, consider picking someone who is genre savvy.
Incineroar – Incineroar is a pro wrestling-based character, which is a much needed addition to the Smash Brothers roster. That said, if Nintendo wanted a cartoonish wrestling character that’s overpowered, capable of massive comebacks, and appeals to children, we could have had John Cena in Smash. That’s right. Instead of John Cena, we got Incineroar.
Mii Brawler – It’s a Mii character.
Mii Swordfighter – It’s a Mii character.
Mii Gunner – It’s a Mii character.