I’m not quite to the point where I’m ready to proclaim the second Monday of each month Shitpost Mondays yet. That said, I really enjoy how weird some of the stuff I’ve been able to write — and that I have planned for the future for these posts — has been.
Back in early February, I came across a tweet that greatly amused me. I’ve shared the tweet, as well as my reaction to it, below.
Alright. This comic has inspired me. I might have to write a shitpost for my blog about what each Three Houses character would use as a finishing move if they were a pro wrestler. https://t.co/05dkAiMlHW
— Tim: An Author-like Creature (@thattinywebsite) February 7, 2020
As someone who is both a fan of pro wrestling and of Fire Emblem: Three Houses, this seemed like a natural crossover for me. What better way to do some insane theorycrafting than to try to think through what as many of the Three Houses characters would use for finishing maneuvers as I can.
In an effort to keep this post from getting absolutely insane, I’ve chosen to group this post by the type of finishing move being used. The groups I’ve divided the moves into are strikes, submissions, aerial/high-risk moves, throws, and other. Since the DLC came out between when I started writing this post and when I finished writing it, I’ve included the six DLC characters. Minor spoilers ahead, but I’ve tried to keep the spoilers to personality spoilers rather than story spoilers where I can. That said, there are a few characters1Jeritza, Edelgard, Yuri, Rhea, Hapi where story spoilers are unavoidable.
As a quick note, I’ve tried to link out to video of as many of the moves as I can, where possible. That said, I wasn’t able to find short videos just showing the move in all cases, so I did one of two things (typically).
- Found a short video with just the move in it
- Found a compilation video of the move being done several times
There were a couple of moves I couldn’t find good videos of, so if someone has one of those, I’ll happily link it.
One of the most basic wrestling — or more generically, fighting — finishing maneuvers is a strike of some kind, be that a punch, a kick, a knee, an elbow, or whatever. Considering the existence of the Brawler and War Master classes, it’s not shocking that a lot of our characters fall into this category. This includes all four of the characters who are heavily implied to use one or both of these classes, Raphael (KO Punch), Caspar (a short arm elbow based on Wade Barrett’s Bullhammer), Alois (a discus clothesline)2You may also notice that, where possible, I have linked videos of wrestlers using these moves on Dolph Ziggler. This is because when Ziggler takes nearly any move, it always looks like his soul is leaving his body., and Balthus (the Superman punch). This grouping also includes another character with a boon to their brawling stat, Felix, though he strikes me as more of a kicker than a puncher, meaning he gets a Buzzsaw Kick as a finisher.
This group also contains three characters that fancy themselves to be concepts of nobility in various ways. Two of them — Ferdinand and Lorenz — get finishers inspired by William Regal as a result, using the Knee Trembler and a brass knuckled-aided punch, respectively. Yuri is more of the ‘he’s an asshole, but he’s our asshole’ type, but he’s also willing to betray people, so he gets the Backstabber.
This leaves us with two of the more curious inclusions in this category, Annette and Bernadetta. Annette is a bit more straight-forward, as though she’s a magic machine in-game, she’s not afraid to mix things up in hand-to-hand combat. That said, she needs to rely more on her speed and dexterity than her raw strength, so a running corner high knee makes sense for her. As for Bernadetta, her supports with Felix reveal that she’s incredibly good at disarming people when she’s afraid. I imagine this to look something like a gamengiri — a kick that relies on misdirection and surprise as much as anything else.
The goal of a submission move is to get your opponent to give up, pass out, or otherwise be unable to continue due to a concentrated focus of pain on one (or more) parts of their body. The comic linked at the top of this post shows Ingrid performing a cross-armbar on Felix and what looks like a kneeling version of a Sharpshooter. Based on that, I’d give her Edge’s version of the move, a kneeling, inverted sharpshooter, as a finisher, as the knee to the legs seems consistent with Ingrid’s capability for inflicting pain.
As for some of the others in this category, it’s a bit of a mix between characters whose finisher ties in with their personality and/or class line, as well as characters I think it’d be hilarious to use submissions. In the former category, you have direct personality fits in the form of Hubert (Ankle Lock), Byleth (Dragon Sleeper)3Technically it’s not a Dragon Sleeper until :40 into that video, but it’s the clearest video of a good one I could find., and Jeritza (Hell’s Gate). Additionally, I could see Shamir (Bow and Arrow Hold due to her sniper gimmick), Seteth (Peruvian Necktie because he’s a weirdly sadistic dude), and Hanneman (Bear Hug because he’s old fashioned) also busting out submissions.
This brings us to the final three characters in this category — Ignatz, Mercedes, and Marianne. In one of Ignatz support conversations with Petra, we learn that not only does Ignatz need glasses, he’s almost blind without them. This led to a lot of I can’t see you/you can’t see me jokes in my head, so Ignatz gets John Cena’s STF finisher. Mercedes gets the lone amateur wrestling move in this category, with a guillotine pin/submission as her finisher (aka a Twister in MMA). Finally, I gave Marianne the crossface4Ignore Michael Cole calling the move wrong. as her finisher, as it’s been long associated with quiet, brutal wrestlers — a trope I could see Marianne fulfilling easily.
Considering how many characters in Fire Emblem: Three Houses are subjected to the horrors of war and of losing close friends, this is a group that’s decidedly low-risk. That said, I see this group as being the group willing to do things with style and flair because it suits them, or because they’re very finessed fighters. Mostly. That said, two quick notable exceptions here. Both Edelgard and Hilda, who would be very risk-prone and stylish, respectively, both appear in the next category. It’s more of a personality choice in both cases.
First off in this category, we have those characters who would take to the top rope because of their athleticism, style, or both. In that vein, we have Petra — who would absolutely do something insane like a Shooting Star Press or Starship Pain — as well as Claude with a 450 Splash, Dorothea with a Moonsault, Ashe with a smooth elbow drop, and Anna with Val Venis’ Money Shot. Manuela would try to be in this category as well, but her diving headbutt is more of a drunkenly fall off the top rope than anything else. Finally, a character with as much power as Rhea needs something suitably violent, hence going with a top rope Poisonrana.
Aside from the strike, throw/drop/slam based moves are the largest group of professional wrestling finishers in existence. Rather than split them into their own individual categories, I’ve grouped all of them together for sake of organization in this post. That said, we’ll take a look at them in two groups, suplex moves and other throws.
I personally see three of our characters having some variation of the suplex as their finisher. Paying homage to her love of fish, Flayn would end matches with a Fisherman’s Suplex, while Constance would use the Perfectplex5You’re going to want to watch that one on mute. The music is horrid.. For those trying to argue that’s literally the same move, you’re right. But because Curt Henning did it, it was perfect. And Constance does have a bit of a Mr. Perfect vibe to her, so I’m going to roll with it. Speaking of rolling, I would absolutely see Leonie finishing matches with the Hat Trick, aka a triple rolling German Suplex, both as a show of strength and as a way to show off to Jeralt.
Next, we have four characters that would have absolutely brutal looking finishers. Dimitri’s love of breaking necks is best given a nod to with a two-handed chokeslam, as an actual neck snap is dangerous. Similarly, Gilbert would use a chokeslam backbreaker, because he’s secretly scary. Dedue, meanwhile, doesn’t need to scare you. But if he NEEDS to bring you harm, what better way to do that than a gorilla press spinebuster?6Horrid video quality, but you get the point. The gorilla press would be terrifying enough at his height, never mind getting hit with the spinebuster after. We’ve also got Edelgard in this group. I originally had her doing a bridging Northern Lights Suplex, as when it’s hit well, it’s the most beautiful wresting move to watch, full stop. But considering Edelgard’s ending in one of the routes, the One-Winged Angel seems most fitting.
We end this group with three characters whose moves are still throws, but don’t fit in one of the previous categories neatly. Considering Sylvain is always fighting for the attention and affection of the ladyfolk around Garreg Mach, an inverted atomic drop seems like it’s a good way to help him in his plans. Hilda strikes me as some who would have a swift and brutal looking finisher, but wouldn’t want to get bloody in the process, hence going with a snap DDT. As for Catherine, the wielder of Thunderbrand would have a devastating finisher, so I went with the nastiest looking move I could think of, the Burning Hammer.
Even with all of that written in the previous three sections, there are still four characters whose finishing maneuvers (in my mind) wouldn’t fit into one of the above categories. The simplest of these is Cyril, who would likely use the O’Connor Roll to try to finish off those bigger than him. Linhardt is lazy but brilliant, so he’d likely use a move that would trick his opponent into doing something dumb. The best example of this may well be the Lady of the Lake, hence picking that for him.
Lysithea’s finisher requires a bit of trickery too. She’d likely try to have her opponent put her in the Giant Swing, as she’s still a kid at heart and would find it fun. That said, the second her opponent makes fun of her for it, she’d turn the tables and use it on them. Finally, Hapi’s entire thing in the game is that she can summon evil monsters with just a sigh. That certainly sounds like all of her matches will end via outside interference.