Every Internet Recipe Ever

Hi! Welcome to my blog! I’m so excited to tell you how to make one of my favorite weeknight recipes, White Truffle Sea Urchin Tacos1I assure you, if you read the word “taco” with the pronunciation of “tack-oh” through the post, it’ll make this ten times better.! These tacos are even better than the takeout tacos you can get and you can make them with ingredients from your pantry! Not only that, but you can make this entire meal in under 30 minutes for under $20 by utilizing those common kitchen staples!

Photo by Amie Watson on Unsplash

Now the tacos in the picture aren’t my tacos, but they’re there to get you in the mood for taco goodness. I get the appeal to tacos, especially takeout tacos. They’re delicious2Fuck yeah tacos!! But when I’m cooking for my very picky family of children and parents, we don’t have time to go out. And why go out when you can make your own tacos at home — and have them taste better? Plus, if you make your food at home, you’re guaranteed to make food that is healthier for you and taste better than takeout food! Isn’t that great?

Now, this recipe may look complex at first, but that’s just because I’m explaining every step in detail. I promise, once you read through the recipe, it’ll be a breeze to make. There are three key steps: the salsa, the filling, and the tacos.

The Salsa

Salsa comes from the Spanish word “salsa” which is Spanish for salsa. And of course, salsa comes from the Latin “salsus”, which means salted. So our salsa for these cheap and easy White Truffle Sea Urchin Tacos will be salt-based.

For our salsa, we’ll need the following ingredients.

  • 36 sea urchin tongues
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons of pink Himalayan sugar
  • 3 canned chipotle chiles, minced
  • 1-2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
  • 1 shallot
  • 1 pound of Celtic Sea Salt

I don’t know about you, but I always have these ingredients on hand, so no trip to the grocery store for me! That said, this recipe is flexible if your pantry is bare. Just be sure to follow the YSAC’s RGOGSH salsa method if you can’t follow the recipe exactly.

To make your salsa, chop your shallot finely. Then, place the shallot in a bowl with your sea urchin tongues, pink Himalayan sugar, chipotle chiles, lime juice, and salt. Use two forks to mash all the ingredients together into a gelatinous paste.

The Filling

Everyone knows the best part of a taco is the filling. But what can you do when takeout tacos are filled with mystery meat and unhealthiness? I make my own3And so can you!. Not only do I know that there’s no industrial pink slime in my taco filling, I get to have as much of the holy grail of super foods as I want in my taco.

That’s right. The most wonderful food in the world is actually a large berry, not a fruit or a vegetable. In some locations, the avocado is referred to as the alligator pear, as its skin resembles that of the American alligator and its shape mirrors that of the tears of millennials who can’t afford housing because of the overwhelming student loan debt crisis in this country — a problem that has reached historic proportions — and definitely not because we like to spread some avocado on our breakfast toast4No, but seriously. If you’re not a millennial and you’re blaming your failing industry on millennials not spending money when we’re burdened under fucktons of debt that you never had to deal with, you should really learn how data works..

Wait. What was I talking about?

Right. If you need this recipe to be gluten-free, use gluten-free avocados. Otherwise, use the following ingredients.

  • 1 Hass avocado
  • 1 lamb Hass avocado
  • 1 Pinkerton avocado
  • 1 bacon avocado
  • 1 fuerte avocado
  • 1 Gwen a-v-o-c-a-d-o
  • 1 Reed avocado
  • 1 Zutano avocado
  • Gray salt, to taste

You might think that we need more ingredients in the filling, but I assure you that eight types of avocado is plenty. And even though gray salt is something that’s in everyone’s pantry, you don’t need much! Remember: your salsa is salt-based. It’s about balancing the delicate flavors of this dish. If you must add a little color to this filling — and believe me, you don’t need to — just buy an extra avocado and leave it out to brown a little bit before adding it to the filling.

I would go through how to cut, pit, and combine these avocados, but if you’re reading a recipe on the internet, you had to peel an avocado with dental floss to sign into this blog. I know you know how! I would never talk down to my readers about something they already know.

Just one step left. It’s time for the tacos.

The Tacos

Before we start, I know what you’re thinking! I really do! I was once like you. I heard the word taco and immediately assumed I could just pile whatever food on top of a soft or hard tortilla shell. How naive was I back then?

Here’s the thing. A taco, whether it’s encased in a soft, warm, flour tortilla, or a crunchy, crispy, corn shell is not just about the vessel that transports food to your mouth. It’s about the entire experience that goes along with the salsa and the filling! It’s about the fresh, farm-to-table farmer’s market vegetables that you put on top of your delicious avocados! It’s about the happiness that your family will derive from the fact that you’re helping them live longer, healthier lives from your cooking!

Also, if you don’t hand make your own blue corn tortillas, you’re disgracing your family’s stomachs.

I get it though. Not everyone has time to make a wholesome, delicious dinner for their family! We all have busy lives. I can make these mortar-and-pestle ground corn tortillas in 20 minutes. If that’s too much time, preservative-filled flour tortillas will have to do. I’ll even write the recipe for it.

  • 48 sea urchin tongues, cautiously cubed
  • 1/2 medium Spanish red onion, meticulously minced
  • 83 cilantro leaves, delicately diced
  • 2 limes, judiciously juiced
  • gold leaf, awaiting application
  • 12-18 tortillas, wonderfully warmed and welcoming5Sorry, the Marvel universe started writing these instructions for a while.
  • 3 white truffles, untouched until you’re ready to serve, you uncouth heathen

If you do have the time to make the wonderful blue corn tortillas, you can get the recipe for free if you donate to my Paetron.

The Assembly

Finally, we’ve reached the moment of truth! It’s time to make your taco. It’s as simple as these steps.

  1. Lay a warm tortilla out on a pre-heated serving plate.
  2. Place a loving spoonful of your guacamole filling on each tortilla.
  3. Add a layer of the cubed sea urchin tongues.
  4. Place another loving spoonful of your guacamole filling on each tortilla.
  5. Season with red onion, cilantro, lime juice, and gold leaf to taste.
  6. Add 1-2 spoonfuls of your salsa.
  7. Shave 2-3 paper-thin slices of white truffle onto each taco.

That’s it! If you loved this recipe, be sure to Instagram how it looked once you made it!


Note: The style of this post is based off of home cook recipe I’ve ever come across. The recipe in this parody post is loosely based off of this recipe from Food Republic. Except not exactly. Partly because parody. But also partly because everyone except me is apparently obsessed with avocado. Avocado? How about Avocad-no.

Hygiene Tips For The Sophisticated Gentleman

I’m not a beauty or lifestyle blogger. Fashion is the furthest thing from my mind for 99% of the day, save for the 45-60 seconds I spend each morning making sure I haven’t put on any of my clothes inside out or backwards. This stems largely from my upbringing in a blue-collar household where the scent of motor oil and wood varnish were not only common smells, but also appropriate substitutes for cologne.

As I’ve grown, I’ve gained a greater appreciation for being clean. I shower nearly daily (save for the occasional lazy weekend day), which would have caused my stepmother to label me as one of those “pinko-commie hippies” (read: someone who doesn’t vote Republican). However, without my cleanliness rituals such as showering, I don’t believe I’d be nearly as successful as I am today.

Many of the bloggers I follow are females who will post the occasional post about their “empties” (like this one). These posts/videos discuss their takes on recently used health and beauty products, and the author then gives their recommendations to those products which they enjoyed. That said, these posts are typically targeted toward women, leaving a void in the blogging world full of modern, sophisticated gentlemen looking for hygiene advice.

That’s where I’m here to help. Below I’ve shared reviews of a few products I’ve used and my genuine opinions on them. These reviews are meant to be candid and direct, and I feel it’s a great way to help each of you develop a new mindset towards hygiene.

Soap

Photo credit to desiitaly on Flickr

I admit, I was a bit skeptical of soap at first. Everything I’ve heard about soap in the past involves how you shouldn’t drop it in a prison shower, so I immediately associate soap with criminal activity. I’m not a criminal, so why would I want it on my body?

Here’s a fun fact: soap can get dirt off your body. Seriously.

Who fucking knew, right?

In my search to learn more about soap, I discovered that there are numerous kinds of soap available — legally — across the United States. For me, it’s a tie between bar soap and liquid soap, though I must admit that foaming soap is an incredibly amusing novelty item. Soap is a great item for those of you with skin and are looking for a way to remove your day’s labors from that skin, all without the harsh effects that knives or acid sometimes can leave behind.

Water

Photo credit to Jenn Durfey on Flickr

This one surprised me a little. I’ve always heard of water for drinking. I use water on a daily basis for cooking. But use it along with soap to clean yourself? That’s the devil’s work right there.

Yet, despite what the corn syrup lobby will tell you, water really is the best liquid with which to wash the aforementioned soap off your skin with. Because water is easily absorbed into pretty much anything, drying yourself after cleaning is a breeze. Likewise, water makes up over 70% of our planet. It’s like the Earth is practically telling us to use it wastefully!

One word of caution, particularly to those of you who have never dabbled in water-based cleaning activities before. While boiling water is great for cooking and cold water is great for drinking, I recommend a more neutral temperature for bathing or showering. Apparently the body has a reaction called “shock” that can occur when it comes into contact with water if it’s at an “unnatural” temperature. A bath drawn at 100 degrees Fahrenheit — or just above natural body temperature — or marginally warmer is best.

Shampoo

Photo credit to Kate Sumbler on Flickr

So I got started in this whole soap craze while trying to learn to be a sophisticated gentleman, and it was wonderful. I did, however, experience a bit of an unexpected problem along the way. Before regular showers, my hair was greasy and oily, just like a good deep dish pizza. Unfortunately, the fairer sex apparently finds this “unappealing” and “gross”, which are both derogatory terms that essentially tell you that you’re doing it wrong. I tried using soap to clean my hair, however, it left my hair rather dry, which is also “unappealing” and “gross”, or so I’m told.

It was only after much trial and error that I stumbled upon shampoo. For those who haven’t heard of this item, don’t be scared. Shampoo comes from the Latin “sham” meaning fake and “poo” meaning feces. Like real fecal matter, shampoo will leave your hair with a glossy, youthful glow. However, unlike poo, which is readily available and has an unpleasant smell, shampoo is only found in the controlled environment of a bottle, and has little residue other than appealing scents such as mandarin orange, mint, or freedom.

As is the case with soap, shampoo is most easily removed from hair via water, though in a pinch there are products known as “dry shampoos” which may be used with no water around. These are particularly useful near an open flame, or in other environments where water is not readily available.