The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Play Through Ever: Chapters 1 and 2

The following post is part of my series “The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Playthrough Ever”. Spoilers ahead for a six year old game.


Welcome back to the worst Fire Emblem Awakening play through ever. When we last left Chrom, Christopher Robin, and the rest of the Shepherds, they were busy saving a burning village from a man with an axe and a match. We’ve learned that Chrom is a prince and his home kingdom, Ylisse, is at war with its neighbor, Plegia.

In this post, we’ll be going through chapters 1 and 2 of the game. Pretty much everything through chapter 4 is — like last post’s chapters — a glorified tutorial, so we’re going to somewhat breeze through these chapters while still giving the shitty text play through you’ll come to know and love.

Chapter 1: Unwelcome Change

Chrom, Lissa, Frederick, and Christopher are venturing down a dark road when Lissa realizes a change to an insect based diet might give us more protein, but at a terrible cost. The group clears a campsite with limited background objects, a la RWBY season 1, wherein Frederick feeds everyone but Lissa bear meat, all while being smart enough not to eat it himself. The group dozes off, only for Chrom and Lissa to wake up and realize THE WHOLE GODDAMN FOREST IS EXPLODING. A cut scene from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood drops in and Chrom and Lissa are attacked by extras from The Walking Dead. A masked figure who in no way will be central to the story’s plot saves Lissa’s life, beginning the chapter itself (though our masked friend is no where to be found).

We learn that the zombies are called Risen and we’re going to have to kill them to get out of Smokey the Bear’s worst nightmare. Fortunately, we can hole up some of our units in conveniently placed forts that would totally be in a forest in any other situation besides learning the game. Chrom finds a fancy staff that Lissa will be able to use later in the game as our first turn ends.

Our second turn begins with the introduction of two new characters. The first is Sully, a woman who fights better than any man and speaks like an angry white pensioner from Tennessee. She’s quickly followed by Virion, a shitty ladies’ man wannabe who we’ll be benching as soon as I can select units because good fucking god he’s annoying. Sure, he’s not as annoying as Azama in Fire Emblem: Birthright, but he’s also not as useful. Virion tries to flirt with Sully, only to get shut down faster than a sixteen year old’s internet browser when their parents walk in to him watching porn. And yet, this dialogue still goes on for way too long.

Sully, Chrom, and Christopher do some zombie slaying, while Frederick hits a Risen archer so hard with a critical hit that he’s demoted to a bit part in World War Z. We don’t get the best critical hit line in the game on this hit, but when we do, you can bet your ass I’ll be showing a video of it. Lissa gains some XP solely by stepping on a shiny space, making the grind of leveling up a healer slightly less painful. As was the case in the last chapter, we’re going to let Frederick kill the boss, because I like watching the heads of Fire Emblem purists explode for giving kills to The Jagen of this story.

The chapter ends with Zorro — who is clearly a girl — being referred to by everyone as sir and insisting they be called Marth. Even though Fire Emblem is progressive as a game series, something tells me this isn’t a matter of gender identification and instead may lead us to a plot twist. Marth gives a warning that the world is about to go to shit before walking off into the still burning forest all dark and brooding like.

We arrive at the Ylissian capital of Ylisstol where the peasants walking around the streets are unaware of the fire just outside of the city. Chrom’s older sister, Emmeryn, begins walking through the streets. Considering she’s both the leader of a nation and a spiritual leader, you’d think she’d be in an armored car like the Pope. Instead, she’s just walking around with the equivalent of the medieval Secret Service at her side. Christopher finally makes the connection that Chrom and Lissa are royalty.

Chrom introduces Christopher to Emmeryn, both he and Lissa praising Christopher’s help. Frederick says that Christopher could be a spy, but Emmeryn shrugs him off because this cut scene really needs to move along already. Chrom runs off to join Emmeryn at a council of leaders, mercifully ending my endless mashing of the A button.

Chapter 2: Shepherds

We’ve unlocked Support Conversations, but have none to do at this point. In future posts, I’ll have a section of the post dedicated to that feature, for reasons that’ll become clear when we get there1Spoiler: I’ve already called this Fire Emblem: Shipping Simulator once.. That said, we’re not going to dive into the support conversations in great detail, as I don’t want to permanently scare off all my readers.

We start chapter two with Lissa in a room with a bunch of people we haven’t met yet, telling Christopher to feel comfortable around strangers. I personally find this strange, but our amnesiac friend clearly hasn’t forgotten how to make small talk with strangers. Rarity from My Little Pony is here, only her name is Maribelle and you will quickly learn that we’ve been sent the Equestria Girls version, not the Friendship is Magic version. We’re also introduced to Vaike, who has the IQ of a bag of hammers, and Sumia, who nearly everyone hates despite the fact that Intelligent Systems basically preordains her to be Chrom’s wife. Sumia is the stereotypical horse-loving country girl from a romance novel, only she doesn’t speak like it. It’s very confusing, but will come in useful down the road for about three seconds. Vaike burps.

Chrom enters the scene and Sumia tries to run toward him, only to fall flat on her face. Chrom then asks if Sumia has tripped and fallen again because of her boots, which would make total sense if any character in Awakening actually had feet. Seriously. Look at this shit.

Image courtesy @AustinEruption on Twitter

We’re off to Regna Ferox, which is another kingdom that isn’t Ylisse or Plegia. Everyone’s excited to go on this trip, as is an empty suit of armor that begins talking and is promptly ignored by everyone. The suit of armor is apparently named Kellam, which is weird, because his name should be Alphonse or John Cena.

After even more talking, we leave the bunkhouse and are introduced to Stahl, who is a fat man in a skinny man’s body. Vaike has forgotten his axe because he’d forget his own head if it weren’t attached. Frederick teaches us about the game’s weapon triangle, which is basically rock paper scissors for 14th century warfare. Our first turn is spent baiting out some of the forward enemies while we wait on the Shepherd’s mage, Miriel, to bring Vaike his axe. We have to waste an entire turn on her giving him his axe, which is extra annoying because Miriel is already squishy and underleveled compared to the rest of the team. Lissa starts going around healing people because I’m going to get tired of her not being able to attack pretty soon.

We advance on the bridge in the middle of the map, only for Frederick to talk about the auto battle feature that I’ve never once used. I’d genuinely forgotten it’s in the game. We bait some more enemies out with Sully and Christopher, Chrom and Stahl kill some people, and Vaike get swole from some XP laying on the ground. Risen go down quickly and easily and, as is tradition at this point, we let Frederick kill the boss. Just kidding. Stahl actually gets the kill this time.

The chapter finishes up with a cut scene with Chrom, Lissa, and Christopher encountering a pegasus. It’s angry, but Sumia is there to calm it down because of course she is. Sumia falls on her face yet again for reasons that still don’t make sense when you take science or logic into consideration.

End of Level Recap

  • Christopher – Level 4 Tactician
  • Lissa – Level 4 Cleric
  • Vaike – Level 4 Fighter
  • Sully – Level 3 Cavalier
  • Stahl – Level 3 Cavalier
  • Chrom – Level 2 Lord
  • Virion – Level 2 Archer
  • Frederick – Level 1 Great Knight
  • Miriel – Level 1 Mage

The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Play Through Ever: Premonition and Prologue

The following post is part of my series “The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Playthrough Ever”. Spoilers ahead for a six year old game.


Hi! If you’re here, you’re likely here for one of three reasons.

  1. You’re a new school Fire Emblem super fan and want to geek out about Awakening.
  2. You’re an old school Fire Emblem super fan and want to shit on Awakening.
  3. You’re looking for a walk through of Awakening and took a very wrong turn.2You could also be here for the shipping and shitposting. That’s fine.

Welcome to my play through of of Fire Emblem: Shipping Simulator…er…Awakening. We begin by creating our avatar unit for the game. I’m choosing to do this play through as the male version of the avatar as unlike in Birthright, you’re not essentially forced to play as one gender just to obtain all the child units.

The default name for your avatar is Robin, but that’s a last name, not a first name. And if our character’s last name is Robin, it’s clear his first name must be Christopher. I’m setting Christopher Robin’s asset3The stat that you get bonus growth to. to Resistance and his flaw4The stat that you have the weakest growth in. to Magic. Since Christopher is a tactician class, it might not make sense to limit our magic growth, but My Little Pony has taught me that friendship is magic. If Christopher develops enough friendship in the game, he’ll overcome his magical limitations and become the Princess of Friendship.

Once we save, we’re taking to our first chapter, Premonition.

Premonition

We’re treated to a cinematic cut scene of a blue-haired man who is clearly a protagonist and Christopher fighting Jafar from Aladdin’s spiky-haired brother. Following the cut scene, we learn the blue-haired man is named Chrom. Chrom is telling Christopher how this is their final battle. I really hope the chapter title is right about being a premonition, otherwise this game is going to be much shorter than I paid for.

Chrom and Christopher move towards dollar store Jafar (whose name is Validar), but he doesn’t attack our heroes. Whether it’s because he realizes he’s outnumbered two to one and he’s taking up defensive positions or if it’s because Premonition is a glorified tutorial mode is irrelevant. Validar clearly went to the Action Movie School of Bad Guy Strategy, which means none of the bullets from his gun can hit us. Also, because Fire Emblem uses medieval weaponry with magic as its combat tools, Validar’s guns are so bad at hitting us that they’re not even invented yet.

Our heroes advance on Validar, with Chrom dealing a strong blow with his signature weapon, Falchion. Validar rambles something about how we can’t change what’s already written, but he must not be aware of the invention of the erasable pen. Christopher deals a critical hit with a strong lightning magic attack, killing Validar and ending the level. Magic flaw, my ass.

We get another cut scene with Validar crumbling to the floor before exploding into a ball of gas. Chrom comes over to congratulate Christopher when — SHOCK AND SURPRISE — Christopher turns on Chrom and impales his intestines with what appears to be a literal lightning bolt. Chrom crumples to the ground dead and we get a save screen.

No. I don’t want to save this, Awakening. I’ve played three minutes and you’ve already killed off the main character. Just who in the hell do you think you are, Gurren Lagann?

Prologue

Nope. Just kidding. Chrom is back, this time with some girl with pigtails. Chrom helps a very unconscious Christopher Robin up off the ground, unaware that Christopher just gutted him like a fish moments ago. Chrom is concerned about the well-being of Christopher, but doesn’t seem to know him, confirming that everything we witnessed was, in fact, a dream. The theme song to St. Elsewhere briefly starts playing as the conversation continues.

Christopher introduces himself to Chrom. Well, sort of. It’s clear Christopher is now an amnesiac. Fortunately, Chrom’s cleric sister, Lissa, and his overly protective man-servant, Frederick, are here to help move the plot along and get us moving forward in the cut scene hell that is the first fifth of this game. Chrom and Frederick keep talking about Shepherds, yet there are not sheep around. Considering no one aside from Lissa has a staff and there’s not a sheep dog to be seen for miles, I’m confident Chrom’s true destiny is not as a farm hand.

Chrom and Christopher give some exposition to let the player know they’re in the Halidom of Ylisse which is ruled by Chrom’s older sister, the Exalt Emmeryn. Chrom explains he’s the leader of the Shepherds, which is actually a guardian group. Frederick is his protector and might be the most cautious person known to man. Lissa is also here.

Christopher suddenly remembers his name just in time for Lissa to notice a nearby town is on fire. Great. Christopher his replaced amnesia with pyrokinesis. At this rate, I won’t have to play the game at all, as my avatar is learning overpowered skills just by leveling up through cut scenes. Chrom decides saving the town is important or something, meaning we’re finally taken in to the actual level.

We begin the level by meeting a toothless man with face paint eye marks drawn on by a drunken eight-year-old. His name is Garrick and he wants to burn it down. Some village girl is crying and that’s enough for the blue-haired hero to say someone has to do som…

Wait. Lissa is the first to say someone should do something? Huh.

The level starts and Frederick tells everyone to be cautious, lest you get hurt. In older Fire Emblem games, permadeath was a very real, very terrifying prospect, but with the advancements in modern technology, Nintendo and Intelligent Systems finally designed a turn-based video game that’s more forgiving to someone who doesn’t have the time to invest 400 hours into a video game. Chrom notices Christopher wielding a tome and — instead of having ‘Nam-like flashbacks — decides to encourage him to kill bad guys with it. But since Christopher is only level one, he can only use Thundershock and Tail Whip, meaning it won’t be a one-turn knockout, even on simple baddies. Lissa teaches us how healing works because this is also a tutorial level and our first turn ends.

Our second turn begins with Chrom telling Christopher that he should heal any wounds he has. This is because Chrom has no sense of adventure. So Lissa heals him just to shut him up. Frederick steps on something sparkly and suddenly becomes better at using his weapons. We get more tutorial nonsense as our units move across the map — an action taken slowly because healers like Lissa take far too long to level up in the early game. Chrom doesn’t want me to rush into danger, however I’m being so deliberate in my movements that I never bothered to tell you we’re actually on the fourth turn now and even Frederick thinks we should pick up the pace. This means it’s time for a lightning round.

Lissa heals Frederick. Christopher Robin assumes a defensive position by Chrom. Everyone waits. Christopher kills a guy with lightning. Er. Thunder. It’s basically a lightning round.

Finally, our protagonists advance on Garrick, who is too busy playing with fire to notice we’ve killed his troops. Frederick steps on something else shiny and gains XP. Some people will tell you this is the only useful way to give Frederick XP and those people might be correct. But this play through isn’t being led by our brains. So I let Frederick kill Garrick just to make the lone person who played Thracia 776 who is still reading this slam their laptop shut. The level mercifully ends, but now we have to listen to more expositional talking.

Chrom accepts Christopher into the Shepherds. Frederick is wary, but Chrom is smitten. We get a true cut scene where our heroes stare at a church that’s still smoking, but doesn’t have flames coming out of the windows anymore. I’m very confused how this fire works, as the church seems to be significantly less damaged than when we first saw it.

We get some backstory about how Ylisse is constantly sparring with its neighbor, Plegia. It’s not a war according to Chrom, it’s a police action. Frederick insists they get a move on and Lissa has to be restrained from calling him a poophead.

End of Level Recap

  • Christopher – Level 2 Tactician
  • Lissa – Level 2 Cleric
  • Chrom – Level 1 Lord
  • Frederick – Level 1 Great Knight