How To Make People Hate You While Driving: A Primer

Congratulations. You are capable of operating a motor vehicle on the road. You’re awesome. You know the rules of the road, the etiquette you’re supposed to follow, and the ways to stay safe in any situation. But you have a burning desire to be something more. You want to be a dickhead to other drivers. The problem is, you don’t know how. You’re a nice person who loves following rules, but you’re looking to change the way you behave to others.

Never fear. I’m here to help you. I’ve compiled five tips from years of watching other drivers be idiots on the road. If you follow these five suggestions, you’ll be hated by your fellow commuters in no time.

1. Don’t Use Your Turn Signal While Changing Lanes

Electric turn signals were first installed in cars in 1907 and were widely installed in cars in the 1940s. They’ve widely been proven to increase safety on the roads and are an invaluable resource to communicating with other drivers on the roads. If you really want to start making people hate you on the roads, the first thing you need to do is to stop using them. Remember that turn signals aren’t about remembering where you need to go. You obviously know where you’re going. Turns signals are used to help other people realize your intentions about where your car will be going next. You don’t need these. This is especially true if you’re driving a crotch rocket-style motorcycle on a crowded highway at rush hour, as you don’t need to obey lanes. You’re better than lanes, so why signal?

2. Merging Like A Dick Is A Fine Art

Ever heard of the asshole lane? Most people know exactly what I’m talking about, however if you’re truly talented at making other drivers hate you, this term is likely lost on you. That’s because it’s known as a passing lane to you. If you’re still unaware, see the picture below.

Image credit: evapohler.com

To most, the fact that the lane on the right is ending means that you should zipper merge with the traffic in the lane immediately to your left. But if you want other drivers to truly hate you, this means you should go as fast as you can to pass as many cars as you can before asserting your dominance and cutting in front of drivers in the lane to your left. Bonus points if you commit this action immediately after a stoplight.

3. Speed Limit > Flow of Traffic

Becoming a driver hated by their fellow drivers is not merely about going fast at all times. In some instances, it’s a matter of carefully following the laws set forth by local jurisdictions. Let’s say that you’re on a major highway. The speed limit on this highway is 60 miles per hour, however flow of traffic is routinely 70-75 MPH. You can’t let other people break the law! It’s time for you to make sure you’re going exactly 60. In the left lane. With your hazard lights on. After all, safety first.

4. Animals Are Targets

Some of you have been reading this list and likely thinking to yourselves, “Hey…I want people to hate me while I drive, but I don’t live near a ton of people for the first three items on this list to be relevant to me. How can you help me be an asshole?” Never fear. I have a solution.

Growing up, I lived in an area where wildlife made its way onto roads on a very regular basis. Occasionally, your vehicle would make contact with a bird/raccoon/deer/etc, and most sane human beings would feel bad. After all, you don’t want to hit an animal with your car, right? If you want people to hate you while driving, this is exactly what you want to do. Not only should you try to hit animals, you should go out of your way to try to run over that groundhog skittering its way off the road. I mean, doing so in no way makes you a deplorable human being or anything of the sort.

5. Assured Clear Stopping Distance Is Overrated

When all else fails and the other items on this list aren’t applicable to your driving situation, there will always be one never-fail item that will make other drivers on the road hate you with the fiery passion of a thousand suns: not obeying the rules of assured clear stopping distance. While that term is a fairly objective term to anyone with common sense and basic human decency, to the asshole driver, if a space is large enough for his or her car to fit into, then the car belongs there. Never mind being able to stop without hitting that person. Never mind that rain and snow change the distance needed to stop a car. Never mind that it takes a lot longer to safely stop a car from 70 MPH than 15 MPH. You’re the most hated driver on the road. Go right ahead and shove your car into a space that would barely fit your car in a parallel parking scenario. It’s the least you can do in order to cement your place in the underbelly of society.

Hygiene Tips For The Sophisticated Gentleman

I’m not a beauty or lifestyle blogger. Fashion is the furthest thing from my mind for 99% of the day, save for the 45-60 seconds I spend each morning making sure I haven’t put on any of my clothes inside out or backwards. This stems largely from my upbringing in a blue-collar household where the scent of motor oil and wood varnish were not only common smells, but also appropriate substitutes for cologne.

As I’ve grown, I’ve gained a greater appreciation for being clean. I shower nearly daily (save for the occasional lazy weekend day), which would have caused my stepmother to label me as one of those “pinko-commie hippies” (read: someone who doesn’t vote Republican). However, without my cleanliness rituals such as showering, I don’t believe I’d be nearly as successful as I am today.

Many of the bloggers I follow are females who will post the occasional post about their “empties” (like this one). These posts/videos discuss their takes on recently used health and beauty products, and the author then gives their recommendations to those products which they enjoyed. That said, these posts are typically targeted toward women, leaving a void in the blogging world full of modern, sophisticated gentlemen looking for hygiene advice.

That’s where I’m here to help. Below I’ve shared reviews of a few products I’ve used and my genuine opinions on them. These reviews are meant to be candid and direct, and I feel it’s a great way to help each of you develop a new mindset towards hygiene.

Soap

Photo credit to desiitaly on Flickr

I admit, I was a bit skeptical of soap at first. Everything I’ve heard about soap in the past involves how you shouldn’t drop it in a prison shower, so I immediately associate soap with criminal activity. I’m not a criminal, so why would I want it on my body?

Here’s a fun fact: soap can get dirt off your body. Seriously.

Who fucking knew, right?

In my search to learn more about soap, I discovered that there are numerous kinds of soap available — legally — across the United States. For me, it’s a tie between bar soap and liquid soap, though I must admit that foaming soap is an incredibly amusing novelty item. Soap is a great item for those of you with skin and are looking for a way to remove your day’s labors from that skin, all without the harsh effects that knives or acid sometimes can leave behind.

Water

Photo credit to Jenn Durfey on Flickr

This one surprised me a little. I’ve always heard of water for drinking. I use water on a daily basis for cooking. But use it along with soap to clean yourself? That’s the devil’s work right there.

Yet, despite what the corn syrup lobby will tell you, water really is the best liquid with which to wash the aforementioned soap off your skin with. Because water is easily absorbed into pretty much anything, drying yourself after cleaning is a breeze. Likewise, water makes up over 70% of our planet. It’s like the Earth is practically telling us to use it wastefully!

One word of caution, particularly to those of you who have never dabbled in water-based cleaning activities before. While boiling water is great for cooking and cold water is great for drinking, I recommend a more neutral temperature for bathing or showering. Apparently the body has a reaction called “shock” that can occur when it comes into contact with water if it’s at an “unnatural” temperature. A bath drawn at 100 degrees Fahrenheit — or just above natural body temperature — or marginally warmer is best.

Shampoo

Photo credit to Kate Sumbler on Flickr

So I got started in this whole soap craze while trying to learn to be a sophisticated gentleman, and it was wonderful. I did, however, experience a bit of an unexpected problem along the way. Before regular showers, my hair was greasy and oily, just like a good deep dish pizza. Unfortunately, the fairer sex apparently finds this “unappealing” and “gross”, which are both derogatory terms that essentially tell you that you’re doing it wrong. I tried using soap to clean my hair, however, it left my hair rather dry, which is also “unappealing” and “gross”, or so I’m told.

It was only after much trial and error that I stumbled upon shampoo. For those who haven’t heard of this item, don’t be scared. Shampoo comes from the Latin “sham” meaning fake and “poo” meaning feces. Like real fecal matter, shampoo will leave your hair with a glossy, youthful glow. However, unlike poo, which is readily available and has an unpleasant smell, shampoo is only found in the controlled environment of a bottle, and has little residue other than appealing scents such as mandarin orange, mint, or freedom.

As is the case with soap, shampoo is most easily removed from hair via water, though in a pinch there are products known as “dry shampoos” which may be used with no water around. These are particularly useful near an open flame, or in other environments where water is not readily available.