How To Make People Hate You While Driving: A Primer

Congratulations. You are capable of operating a motor vehicle on the road. You’re awesome. You know the rules of the road, the etiquette you’re supposed to follow, and the ways to stay safe in any situation. But you have a burning desire to be something more. You want to be a dickhead to other drivers. The problem is, you don’t know how. You’re a nice person who loves following rules, but you’re looking to change the way you behave to others.

Never fear. I’m here to help you. I’ve compiled five tips from years of watching other drivers be idiots on the road. If you follow these five suggestions, you’ll be hated by your fellow commuters in no time.

1. Don’t Use Your Turn Signal While Changing Lanes

Electric turn signals were first installed in cars in 1907 and were widely installed in cars in the 1940s. They’ve widely been proven to increase safety on the roads and are an invaluable resource to communicating with other drivers on the roads. If you really want to start making people hate you on the roads, the first thing you need to do is to stop using them. Remember that turn signals aren’t about remembering where you need to go. You obviously know where you’re going. Turns signals are used to help other people realize your intentions about where your car will be going next. You don’t need these. This is especially true if you’re driving a crotch rocket-style motorcycle on a crowded highway at rush hour, as you don’t need to obey lanes. You’re better than lanes, so why signal?

2. Merging Like A Dick Is A Fine Art

Ever heard of the asshole lane? Most people know exactly what I’m talking about, however if you’re truly talented at making other drivers hate you, this term is likely lost on you. That’s because it’s known as a passing lane to you. If you’re still unaware, see the picture below.

Image credit: evapohler.com

To most, the fact that the lane on the right is ending means that you should zipper merge with the traffic in the lane immediately to your left. But if you want other drivers to truly hate you, this means you should go as fast as you can to pass as many cars as you can before asserting your dominance and cutting in front of drivers in the lane to your left. Bonus points if you commit this action immediately after a stoplight.

3. Speed Limit > Flow of Traffic

Becoming a driver hated by their fellow drivers is not merely about going fast at all times. In some instances, it’s a matter of carefully following the laws set forth by local jurisdictions. Let’s say that you’re on a major highway. The speed limit on this highway is 60 miles per hour, however flow of traffic is routinely 70-75 MPH. You can’t let other people break the law! It’s time for you to make sure you’re going exactly 60. In the left lane. With your hazard lights on. After all, safety first.

4. Animals Are Targets

Some of you have been reading this list and likely thinking to yourselves, “Hey…I want people to hate me while I drive, but I don’t live near a ton of people for the first three items on this list to be relevant to me. How can you help me be an asshole?” Never fear. I have a solution.

Growing up, I lived in an area where wildlife made its way onto roads on a very regular basis. Occasionally, your vehicle would make contact with a bird/raccoon/deer/etc, and most sane human beings would feel bad. After all, you don’t want to hit an animal with your car, right? If you want people to hate you while driving, this is exactly what you want to do. Not only should you try to hit animals, you should go out of your way to try to run over that groundhog skittering its way off the road. I mean, doing so in no way makes you a deplorable human being or anything of the sort.

5. Assured Clear Stopping Distance Is Overrated

When all else fails and the other items on this list aren’t applicable to your driving situation, there will always be one never-fail item that will make other drivers on the road hate you with the fiery passion of a thousand suns: not obeying the rules of assured clear stopping distance. While that term is a fairly objective term to anyone with common sense and basic human decency, to the asshole driver, if a space is large enough for his or her car to fit into, then the car belongs there. Never mind being able to stop without hitting that person. Never mind that rain and snow change the distance needed to stop a car. Never mind that it takes a lot longer to safely stop a car from 70 MPH than 15 MPH. You’re the most hated driver on the road. Go right ahead and shove your car into a space that would barely fit your car in a parallel parking scenario. It’s the least you can do in order to cement your place in the underbelly of society.

Everyone Else Is More Talented Than Me

I used to do blog series on my old blog over various topics. I hadn’t officially started on here yet((That Tiny Tirade is a legacy series that pays homage to one I had on my old blog, Fuck You Fridays)), so I figured now would be as good of a time as any.

The idea for this series — Everyone Else Is More Talented Than Me — came about as a result of a pair of conversations I had just before Christmas. The first conversation came from a real-life friend, TK. TK and I have known each other since college, and though we live states apart, we do text semi-regularly. A recent conversation played out as such.

TK: Tim, you need to write a satirical book. I’m serious.

Me: I’m writing a fiction book currently. But I’m interested. What’s your idea?

TK: My idea? You pour your brain onto paper. Instant classic…Vonnegut would be proud.

The second conversation wasn’t so much a true conversation as it was a television show viewing and my reaction to it. As I’m sure you’re aware (since you’re on the Internet, that is), Comedy Central’s long running show, The Colbert Report, ended on December 18th. The show’s end is not a surprise, as lead man Stephen Colbert will be taking over for a retiring David Letterman next year. Yet, despite the notice (not to mention Colbert talking about it on the every episode of the show since roughly October), it still felt to me as though one of the greatest spectacles of satire was ending far too soon.

As a young child, many of my family members told me “no matter how good you are at something, there will always be someone out there who is better than you at whatever you’re good at”. I always felt this statement was nothing more than a way to advise me to temper my hopes and put a realistic set of checks and balances on what I think I can do versus what I actually can do. For example, I have a decent ability to catch things reflexively when they’re unexpectedly thrown in my direction. This has proven to be the difference between a pen being stopped in midair, and said pen hitting one of my coworkers on more than one occasion. That said, my reflex catching isn’t good enough to stop a line drive baseball from hitting me in the face. The line is somewhere in between.

I’ve tried to do a lot of things in my life that I thought would be a good idea. I’ll talk about them at some point in time in coming posts. An abbreviated list is below.

  • There was that time Rock Band (the video game) inspired me and a few friends to try to make an actual rock band
  • My spontaneity once prompted me to move across the USA on 10 days notice
  • There was another point in time in which I thought I was good at speaking other languages. Madrid taught me otherwise.
  • A rather recent occurrence involving said fiction book I’m writing and a non-fiction book that told a better story((At least in my opinion)).

There are other stories I’m sure I’m forgetting right now. Once I remember them, I’ll be sure to talk about them too. If nothing else, this will be an exercise in self-deprecating humor and humility. My hope is that it’ll amuse you along the way. After all, if I’m going to write satire and humor — both of which I feel I’m decent at doing — there’s bound to be someone out there who’s better at it than I am.

7 Reasons You’ll Read This Blog Post With A Click Bait Headline

Disclaimer: This post is part of this blog’s That Tiny Tirade series. It can (and likely will) contain harsh language, scenes and storylines not suitable for children, and some content that may be unacceptable to other readers. This post may also contain strobe lighting effects.

Hello there! You’re finally here. It’s great to see you around. But why are you here exactly1You know, other than the fact that you have a crippling addiction to my writing, as evidenced by the fact that you’re reading this at 4am on a Tuesday while sipping from a 40.?

*thinking….thinking…thinking*

Oh, that’s right! I have a list post 7 reasons why you’ll read a blog post — this very one, as a matter of fact — with a click bait headline. I guarantee you’ll be shocked at #4.

#1. You’re a super attractive person

And you’re generously endowed too. Image credit: ioneglobalgrind.wordpress.com

What? You don’t think you’re actually attractive? Fuck you, this is the internet. EVERYONE is hot on the internet. It doesn’t matter if you’re good-looking in real life, on the internet every man looks like a cross between all the good parts of Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, and Brad Pitt, while every woman is a mixture of Kate Upton, Beyonce, and whatever a Taylor Swift is2I’m presuming it’s an individual capable of fixing holes in my suit at lightning speed.. Face it — everyone wants in your pants. Or kilt, if that’s what you’re into.

#2. This post has lots of pictures that have nothing to do with the article at hand, but are great for image search hits

Image credit: weknowmemes.com

Some of you likely clicked on this article thinking there would be substance for you to read. Perhaps you could find something to learn amid all the bullshit and terrible writing on the internet. You would be wrong. That’s not how the internet works. If your articles aren’t picture-filled, you’re fucked. Well, that’s presuming you don’t forget about the fact that…

#3. This blog post is a content marketing goldmine

Image credit: wrestlingoutofcontext.tumblr.com

You thought you needed to optimize your posts for SEO? You thought wrong! SEO is dead and content marketing is where it’s at. It’s not enough to add subliminal this post is sponsored by http://wrestlingoutofcontext.tumblr.com/ messaging to your posts, tweet bomb the shit out of your friends, family, and coworkers, or even to take out a second mortgage to promote yourself on Facebook. If your posts aren’t sponsored by someone, they’re not getting read. After all, it’s not like anyone actually clicks on ads anymore.

#4. You’d rather read an ad masquerading as an article than click on an ad.

Funny thing about bloggers (or websites) in 2014…no one actually clicks on your ads anymore. Why would we?3There are apparently people online who disagree with me and will click on any ad that interests them in order to help fund the ad companies. I call these people masochists. Not only are advertisements notorious for providing computer viruses/malware/spyware a pathway into your computer, they’re also incredibly annoying to look at. If your readers are clicking on your ads, there’s a decent chance they’ve been in a coma since 1996 and have just woken up. Say hi to them, then come back here and introduce them to how advertising works in the real internet.

#5. This post is short — just the way you like it.

No one has time for a lengthy blog post anymore. Gone are the days where bloggers could write 3000+ word long-form articles and be lauded by those around them before that blogger goes onto become a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle or the Cleveland Plain Dealer.4For the younger crowd, those were newspapers, an archaic way of delivering news to people. News was what journalism was called before large…ah fuck it…

Image credit: ironydesign.com

#6. People are suckers for lists

When you GIS “dumbest top ten list”, this is one of the top results. No joke. Image credit: ranker.com

Everyone likes lists and everyone LOVES debating lists. Look at the success of sites like Cracked, Buzzfeed, and Bleacher Report. None of those sites would exist without the list post. Here, I’ll even give you a list to debate. Here are the Top Ten Things I Wrote Down In A List Format.

  1. Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog
  2. Faygo
  3. Testicular tortion
  4. A ban saw
  5. Jasmine
  6. Tupelo, Mississippi
  7. Cesaro’s pepperoni nipples. This is a thing.
  8. Scalene muscles
  9. Improper grammar
  10. Six women from Perth, Australia playing Twister against Duck Dodgers

Debate.

#7. You can’t help but share this list

It’s an uncontrollable urge. With the rise of social media you want — nay, NEED — to click like on everything. You MUST comment. You WILL SHARE THIS POST.

Image source unclear from searching, however it’s a still from the movie They Live.

Hygiene Tips For The Sophisticated Gentleman

I’m not a beauty or lifestyle blogger. Fashion is the furthest thing from my mind for 99% of the day, save for the 45-60 seconds I spend each morning making sure I haven’t put on any of my clothes inside out or backwards. This stems largely from my upbringing in a blue-collar household where the scent of motor oil and wood varnish were not only common smells, but also appropriate substitutes for cologne.

As I’ve grown, I’ve gained a greater appreciation for being clean. I shower nearly daily (save for the occasional lazy weekend day), which would have caused my stepmother to label me as one of those “pinko-commie hippies” (read: someone who doesn’t vote Republican). However, without my cleanliness rituals such as showering, I don’t believe I’d be nearly as successful as I am today.

Many of the bloggers I follow are females who will post the occasional post about their “empties” (like this one). These posts/videos discuss their takes on recently used health and beauty products, and the author then gives their recommendations to those products which they enjoyed. That said, these posts are typically targeted toward women, leaving a void in the blogging world full of modern, sophisticated gentlemen looking for hygiene advice.

That’s where I’m here to help. Below I’ve shared reviews of a few products I’ve used and my genuine opinions on them. These reviews are meant to be candid and direct, and I feel it’s a great way to help each of you develop a new mindset towards hygiene.

Soap

Photo credit to desiitaly on Flickr

I admit, I was a bit skeptical of soap at first. Everything I’ve heard about soap in the past involves how you shouldn’t drop it in a prison shower, so I immediately associate soap with criminal activity. I’m not a criminal, so why would I want it on my body?

Here’s a fun fact: soap can get dirt off your body. Seriously.

Who fucking knew, right?

In my search to learn more about soap, I discovered that there are numerous kinds of soap available — legally — across the United States. For me, it’s a tie between bar soap and liquid soap, though I must admit that foaming soap is an incredibly amusing novelty item. Soap is a great item for those of you with skin and are looking for a way to remove your day’s labors from that skin, all without the harsh effects that knives or acid sometimes can leave behind.

Water

Photo credit to Jenn Durfey on Flickr

This one surprised me a little. I’ve always heard of water for drinking. I use water on a daily basis for cooking. But use it along with soap to clean yourself? That’s the devil’s work right there.

Yet, despite what the corn syrup lobby will tell you, water really is the best liquid with which to wash the aforementioned soap off your skin with. Because water is easily absorbed into pretty much anything, drying yourself after cleaning is a breeze. Likewise, water makes up over 70% of our planet. It’s like the Earth is practically telling us to use it wastefully!

One word of caution, particularly to those of you who have never dabbled in water-based cleaning activities before. While boiling water is great for cooking and cold water is great for drinking, I recommend a more neutral temperature for bathing or showering. Apparently the body has a reaction called “shock” that can occur when it comes into contact with water if it’s at an “unnatural” temperature. A bath drawn at 100 degrees Fahrenheit — or just above natural body temperature — or marginally warmer is best.

Shampoo

Photo credit to Kate Sumbler on Flickr

So I got started in this whole soap craze while trying to learn to be a sophisticated gentleman, and it was wonderful. I did, however, experience a bit of an unexpected problem along the way. Before regular showers, my hair was greasy and oily, just like a good deep dish pizza. Unfortunately, the fairer sex apparently finds this “unappealing” and “gross”, which are both derogatory terms that essentially tell you that you’re doing it wrong. I tried using soap to clean my hair, however, it left my hair rather dry, which is also “unappealing” and “gross”, or so I’m told.

It was only after much trial and error that I stumbled upon shampoo. For those who haven’t heard of this item, don’t be scared. Shampoo comes from the Latin “sham” meaning fake and “poo” meaning feces. Like real fecal matter, shampoo will leave your hair with a glossy, youthful glow. However, unlike poo, which is readily available and has an unpleasant smell, shampoo is only found in the controlled environment of a bottle, and has little residue other than appealing scents such as mandarin orange, mint, or freedom.

As is the case with soap, shampoo is most easily removed from hair via water, though in a pinch there are products known as “dry shampoos” which may be used with no water around. These are particularly useful near an open flame, or in other environments where water is not readily available.